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He held her gently, and Misha knew she could step back from him, and he’d let her go. It was what sheshoulddo. But instead, she sagged against him, giving in to her need to lean on him.
Jay didn’t even flinch as her weight settled against him. Misha clutched a handful of his shirt, hanging on as all the grief and sadness she’d been carrying overwhelmed her.
She was no stranger to tears. Over the past month, she’d cried plenty of times. Nighttime was the worst, as everything seemed much more futile, and her heart ached so much more as she lay in the dark, praying for the oblivion of sleep.
She’d begun going to the gym every night after Ciara was asleep, working out at a pace well beyond what she’d done with Jay. It was the only way to exhaust herself so she wouldn’t toss and turn when she got into bed.
But having Jay there, offering her something she wanted so badly, her emotions bubbled to the surface, and she just didn’t have the strength—or desire—to hold them back.
When her tears were finally spent, Misha became aware of the thump of Jay’s heart beneath where her head rested on his chest. Focusing on that, she took steady breaths, loosening her grip on his shirt as her emotions subsided.
She’d never known the strength of a man like Jay, and it was hard to move away from it and all that his embrace offered her. Though there was nothing to fear right then, his arms around her had always felt like a promise of safety, of support, that would be there for her in that moment and in the future.
Except that his strength and everything else about Jay weren’t hers. He had other commitments that superseded their budding relationship, and none of that had changed.
She needed to remember that, so that her resolve to keep going in their new life in Serenity wouldn’t weaken. Doctor Martin had invested a lot to get them to a place of safety, and she couldn’t mess that up.
Taking a deep breath, Misha stepped back from Jay. His arms slipped away, dropping to his sides. One step wasn’t far enough, but she couldn’t seem to move further away from him.
Jay gazed down at her, and Misha’s breath caught in her lungs for a moment. The warmth and affection in Jay’s eyes hadn’t seemed to dim in the weeks since they’d gone their separate ways.
He lifted his arms, his hands gently cupping her face. “I’ve missed you, Misha. So much.”
She knew that to respond the way she wanted to would just make things more difficult for them. But his words… they touched her heart, soothing the hurt that had been lingering ever since the day she’d told him they needed to take a break.
“I’ve missed you too.” Though her words came out as a whisper, he heard her.
But even as she said them, the futility of their situation sank in again, and tears spilled over once more.
Jay’s thumbs brushed across her cheeks, sweeping the tears away. Misha lifted her hands and gripped his wrists, hanging on and never wanting to let go.
“Don’t cry, baby,” Jay said as her tears flowed once again. “Please don’t cry.”
“I can’t stop. I don’t know how to stop.” And she realized that was true. Her physical tears might not flow constantly, but she felt like she’d been crying on the inside for weeks.
Her overwhelming sadness made no sense, really. Things between them hadn’t even progressed as far as their first real kiss. He’d kissed her forehead, her cheeks, but not on the lips. At the time, she hadn’t felt any sort of rush to push for more, and after he’d revealed things about his past, she’d come to understand why he hadn’t pursued that side of their relationship.
So why did it hurt so much?
Was it because Jay was the first man she’d truly loved? Did it hurt so much because this was her first real heartbreak?
But it felt like more. Like the short time they’d had to explore their feelings had forged a deeper relationship than they’d first realized, building on the friendship they’d developed in the weeks following their first meeting.
“Nothing has changed, Jay,” she said, her throat tight as she tried to blink back the tears that kept forming in her eyes. “You can’t focus on a relationship right now. Peyton needs you.”
“He does,” Jay agreed. “ButIneedyou. I need the joy you bring. The smiles and laughter. And not just me. I think Peyton could use that in his life, too. I feel like I’ve got a big hole in my heart, and it hurts every day.”
Misha swallowed hard. “Me too.”
“I want to try again,” Jay said. “I want to make this work between us.”
“But what if it doesn’t? I’m not sure that I’ll be able to stay here if we try again and it doesn’t work.”
Jay’s brows drew together. “I will give my whole heart to this, Misha. I promise you.” He lowered his hands, taking hold of hers. “I love you, Misha. I know I didn’t tell you that before, but it’s true. My heart simply… longs for you. I’ve never felt like this before.”
“Never?” Misha asked, wondering about what he’d had with Casey.
“Never. The relationship I had with Casey was never like this. Even when it wasn’t bad between us, we were too young to know how to make our relationship strengthen and grow. I loved her as a teenage boy. I love you as a man.”
