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She tightened her hold on his hands, wanting to hope. Wanting to believe.
Could they really build a relationship while he was trying to build one with his son? She would never stand in the way of Jay and Peyton’s relationship. But would her presence in Jay’s life be good or bad in Peyton’s eyes?
“If you don’t want to…”
“It’s not that,” she hurried to assure him. “I… love you too.”
A smile lit Jay’s face, but then faded. “So what is it then?”
“I worry about Peyton,” she said. “He’s had a lot of changes in his life lately. Does he need me to be a part of all that?”
“The fact that you’re thinking of him above your own good just reinforces for me that you’d be a good person in his life.” Jay sighed. “I’ve been slow in coming to understand that I can’thelp Peyton on my own. He needs to know that he’s part of a bigger family. One that loves and cares for him. That doesn’t just include my parents and my siblings. It includes Will, and it can include you, Ciara, and your mom. I think the three of you could be an important part of his life.”
“We can be part of his life without you and I being in a relationship.”
“I know,” Jay said. “But I want a relationship. I’m not saying it’s going to be smooth sailing, but I think the rough patches will be easier if we walk them together.”
Misha felt hope growing within her, desperately wanting what Jay was laying out. But were they being selfish? Wanting to build a relationship while so much else was going on?
Jay let go of her hands and slumped down in one of the chairs next to her desk. “The thing is that I’m struggling to cope with all the changes in my life since getting Peyton. Just like he is. I’ve had to put aside so much of what I enjoy in life to be a father to Peyton, including you. It’s been… hard.”
Misha placed a hand on his shoulder, feeling the tension there. “Most parents have nine months to prepare their lives for a child.”
Jay nodded, his head still bent. “I don’t want to resent him for forcing all these changes on me. And yes, logically I know that he’s not responsible for the changes. That’s me and his mom. But do I have to give up everything good in my life because of my past decisions? Is being without you meant to be my punishment?”
His questions hit at Misha’s heart, and she wasn’t sure how to respond. It would be hard to not view things like that, even for her. But if the demise of the relationship was a punishment, what had she done wrong to warrant that happening to her?
Misha tugged a chair over next to his, then sat down. She rested her head on his shoulder and took his hand in hers, saying the only thing she could think of. “I’m sorry you’ve been struggling.”
“I made a huge mistake in making our break permanent,” he said.
“I shouldn’t have suggested the break in the first place.”
Jay turned his head and pressed a kiss to her hair. “And if I’d been communicating better, you wouldn’t have felt like you needed to do that.”
They sat together in silence for a moment, and Misha mulled over what Jay wanted for them. The truth was, had they been dating longer, or had they been married, they certainly wouldn’t have called off their relationship because of Peyton’s arrival in Jay’s life.
Maybe they’d both jumped the gun in assuming they weren’t far enough into their relationship for it to survive Peyton needing Jay’s attention. And maybe they’d underestimated how quickly they’d developed feelings for each other, and how deeply those feelings went.
“If we do this,” Misha began, “you have to talk to me. Communication will be even more important now that it’s not just you and me building a relationship. I don’t want to have to guess at what you’re thinking.”
“I don’t want that either,” Jay said. “I’m still trying to learn how to communicate better, but I’ll try my best not to keep things in my head when I should be sharing them. I’ve learned my lesson. I think Janessa is still angry at me over what happened.”
“Are you really sure about this, Jay?” Misha asked.
“I am.”
“I’m not going to try to be Peyton’s mom,” she told him. “I’m not going to take any sort of parental role with him. I’ll treat him the way I treat Layla.”
Jay nodded. “That’s probably for the best. He still misses Amberlyn a lot, so I think he’d balk at someone trying to step into her role.”
“And I wouldn’t want to do that.”
“I’ve been praying for wisdom in dealing with him and everything else in my life,” Jay said. “Just the thought of having you in my life again fills me with peace, and I feel like I can breathe.”
Though Misha could see possible pitfalls in getting back together, she also couldn’t deny that something settled inside her with the decision made. She really had believed that God had brought Jay into her life, so losing him had felt like she’d let something precious slip through her fingers.
“Can we pray about this right now?” Misha asked, needing Jay to know that she wasn’t just relying on the two of them to make this work.
