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“Only if I want to be.”
“What kind of man doesn’t want a little boy?”
“It’s not that he doesn’t want a little boy, he doesn’t want one that is so obviously not his.”
Her words chilled Jay. “He’s a racist.”
“No,” Amberlyn insisted. “He just wants to have a son who looks like he belongs to us.”
“And you really love a man like that? A man who would reject a little boy over something he can’t control?” Jay tried to keep his anger from spilling over. “You’re the one who made the decision to be with me, a Black man, and now you’re abandoning your child because someone has made you regret that decision?”
“I don’t expect you to understand,” Amberlyn said, her gaze hardening.
“I think Ineedto understand, Amberlyn. You’re asking me to take on a child who doesn’t know me at all.”
“If you care so much about him, then you should be willing to step up and take him. You’re his father.”
“And you’re his mother. Are you planning to just leave his life completely? What are you proposing here?”
“I’m giving you legal and physical custody, but no child support. I didn’t go after that from you, so I don’t owe you anything.”
“And if I say no?” Jay asked, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to abandon a child of his.
“You’d rather him be part of a family where he’s not wanted?”
“And how do you know he’d be wanted in my family?”
“You don’t have a family,” she said. “No wife. No kids. And from the look of your immediate family, they wouldn’t have a problem with him.”
No, they wouldn’t have a problem with Peyton. They’d have a problem with him and the decisions he’d made. The disappointment he’d always feared bringing to his family was now staring him down, and he wasn’t going to be able to avoid it.
Jay was torn. He wished there was a way to help the boy without having to reveal his past actions. But hiding what hadhappened wasn’t possible if he was going to step up and do the right thing.
It didn’t matter if he understood why Amberlyn was doing this. It didn’t matter what the fallout would be for him. All that mattered was that there was a little boy who needed a welcoming home.
The sick feeling in his stomach only increased as he wondered what impact this might have on his relationship with Misha. He had portrayed himself as a certain type of man, and this revelation was going to prove to everyone that he wasn’t who they thought he was.
Even though they didn’t care for Casey, they might have been more understanding of a child resulting from their relationship. Only Will had ever known about the women he’d dated when he and Casey weren’t together. Dated… and slept with.
But before he disappointed everyone around him, he needed to know for sure.
“I want the paternity test,” he said.
“Of course. I figured you would. I’ll leave you with information on how we can get a test done that will legally allow us to add you to his birth certificate, and it will work for the change of custody, too.”
The more she spoke, the more Jay realized this wasn’t a snap decision for Amberlyn. She’d clearly thought it through and had planned for what was necessary to make this happen.
By requesting a paternity test, he’d bought himself some breathing room. Or maybe he’d just delayed the inevitable. Nothing she’d said or how she’d acted had shown anything but total confidence in her belief that he was the father of her son.
Amberlyn got to her feet, then pulled something out of her purse and laid it on his desk. “I think I can find my way out.”
Jay didn’t bother getting to his feet as Amberlyn opened the door. With one last look over her shoulder at him, she stepped into the hall, pulling the door closed behind her.
Bending his head forward, Jay closed his eyes. Regret filled him. Not just the familiar regret of the decisions he’d made, but also the regret of not having lived a more honest life. He’d compartmentalized so much, trying to uphold an image that would make his adoptive parents proud, while also appearing to not break the promises he’d made to his birth mom.
The thing he’d come to realize far too late was that regardless of whether they knew or not, he’d already disappointed them with his behavior and decisions. He knew from sermons and Sunday school lessons that what was done in the dark or behind closed doors rarely stayed there.
And even if no one else knew, God did. That was a fact he’d tried to ignore. He hadn’t wanted to acknowledge that he’d failed to please God as well.
