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He may have wanted to hide what he’d done, but it hadn’t guaranteed it would never come to light. He’d been naïve to think that. And now he had to deal with the ramifications.
Pushing back from his desk, Jay grabbed his phone and keys, then after a brief hesitation, he snatched up the packet of information Amberlyn had left on his desk. Jerking open his door, he strode down the hall toward the back door, pausing only long enough to tell Janessa he was gone for the day. She gave him a concerned look, but since she was with a patient, all she did was nod.
Once outside the building, he dragged in a deep breath, trying to loosen the tight band around his chest. When thatdidn’t help, he jogged to his car. He didn’t know where he was going. He just knew he couldn’t stay there as he tried to process everything he’d just learned.
All the walls he’d erected in his life to keep the parts separate were crumbling, and he needed to shore them back up while he dealt with this situation. Until he knew for sure that his life was really going to change, he couldn’t let the cracks show.
He drove aimlessly along the roads outside Serenity, ignoring his phone when it rang, Janessa’s name popping up on the display on the dash. Talking to anyone was the last thing he wanted to do right then.
His heart hurt with the thought of what was to come, but Jay knew he had no one but himself to blame.
Reaching a hiking trail he’d used in the past, Jay pulled into the small lot that marked the start of it. He didn’t have any hiking gear with him, but he didn’t care. Getting out of the car, he left his phone behind but brought the thick envelope.
Thankfully, the trail was dry, so the shoes he’d worn to work didn’t sink into mud. He followed the trail for close to half an hour until he reached a stopping point. Thankfully, the clearing was empty, so he could sit alone with his thoughts. Mid-afternoon on a Monday meant that there weren’t many people around.
He stared down at the package in his hand, wondering what all it contained. It was possible it might just be paperwork, but part of him wondered if Amberlyn had given him pictures of his son.
With shaking hands, Jay broke the seal on the envelope and pulled out the contents. The first thing he saw was the picture of a young boy smiling at the camera. He had light gray eyes, amop of loose dark brown curls, and he was missing his two front teeth.
A sob escaped Jay’s aching chest as the boy’s image went blurry. Blinking, Jay gently wiped away a droplet of moisture that fell on the picture.
Even without a test, he knew this boy was his. There were obvious differences between them, but he could see the similarities, too. They had the same smile, and the shape of their eyes was similar.
More hurt layered over what was already present in his heart. He should have been there for his son from the start. Now this boy would be uprooted, abandoned by his mother, just like Jay had been. Oh, of course his mom’s abandonment had been beyond her control, but she’d still left him behind. And Peyton was going to feel the pain of that, just like Jay had.
Tipping his head back, Jay let out a pained yell. The papers in his hands crinkled as his grip on them tightened.
He wanted to rage and throw things. He needed an outlet for his pain and anger. But he knew it wouldn’t change anything.
And who was he going to rage at? God?
He, and he alone, was responsible for all of this. The disappointment of the people who cared for him. The pain of a little boy.
Jay wanted to call out to God for help, but he didn’t. All of this was the consequence of his selfish decisions, and God wasn’t going to save him from it.
Looking down at the papers again, Jay drew a shaky breath as he looked through the other pictures Amberlyn had included. Pictures starting from the day Peyton had been born. She’ddocumented so much of his life. Clearly, she cared about him. How could she just give him up?
When he reached the last picture, Jay put everything back in the envelope and set it on the bench beside him.
For what felt like an eternity, he stared unseeing at the scene in front of him, trying to calm his mind as he struggled to handle the emotions that had shattered him.
He knew he needed to get back to Serenity, but he couldn’t do that until he had pulled himself back together. The temptation was high to just get into his car and drive. Leave everything behind and find a way to live his life somewhere else.
But Jay knew it was a selfish desire and that it would solve nothing, because what he couldn’t leave behind was the ache in his heart and the knowledge of what he’d done. He’d never be able to outrun those thoughts when he carried them within him.
As the sky darkened with twilight’s approach, Jay picked up the envelope and got to his feet. Without his phone, he couldn’t risk getting stuck out on the trail in the dark.
Whether he was ready or not, he needed to go back.
The sun had set by the time he reached his car. Getting behind the wheel, he put the envelope on the passenger seat beside his phone. He stared at it, almost afraid of what it would reveal if he picked it up. Would there be countless missed calls? Or just the one from Janessa?
Ignoring it for the time being, Jay turned the car on and began the drive back to Serenity. He’d only been driving for about five minutes when his phone rang.
Gareth.
Well, if Gareth was calling him, he’d left his family in a panic. Tapping a button on the dash, he answered the call.
“Hello?”
