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This whole thing has taken its toll on me. Emotional exhaustion, I guess.
I’m sick almost all the time, I can barely eat, and my sleep pattern is a hot mess. The only constant in my life is Elliot. He’s my clock, my reason to live and to wake up in the morning, sometimes. He’s also the reason why I’m so tired when I put my head down, but I’m thankful for him. Were it not for Elliot, I’d have many more sleepless nights than what I’m currently dealing with.
Ugh, even the water tastes funny,I realize as I put the glass down. Nothing tastes right today.
“It’s like my tastebuds have decided to rebel,” I mutter to myself.
Finally, the coffee is ready so I proceed to pour myself a full mug. I add a teaspoon of brown sugar and take a long sip. I can hear phones ringing and people talking throughout the bullpen, but I can’t see anyone from here. For a moment, I feel completely removed from the company. From Todd. From absolutely everything. But then the coffee turns sour on me, and I can’t understand why.
“This is so unfair,” I sigh, no longer able to enjoy the one drink that once served to lift my spirits. “So frickin’ unfair…”
“Hey, Becky,” Piper says as she comes in.
All of a sudden, I’m stiff. Slowly, I turn around to face her. “Hey, Piper.”
“Todd wants to see you in his office,” she says matter-of-factly.
I take a moment to measure her from head to toe while the taste of coffee lingers and transforms into something utterly foul on my tongue. Piper looks gorgeous as usual in a simple but elegant turquoise pantsuit and beige pumps, her lips perfectly painted matte red—I’d give my right arm to know the shade, but she never shares any of her beauty secrets, the selfish fiend.
“Excuse me?” I ask, pretending I’m okay. I’m not. I’m going to be sick.
“Todd wants to see you in his office. Like, right now.”
“He can call me himself if he wants to talk to me. I don’t see the point of dragging you into the conversation,” I reply bluntly.
“It’s probably work-related, not John-related,” she says, raising an eyebrow. The tension spikes when she crosses her arms and purses her lips at me too. This is a pre-statement of trouble looming unless I comply.
But the knot in my stomach is swelling and now working its way back up to my throat, burning everything in its path. “It doesn’t matter; he can just call me himself,” I manage.
“Are you okay?” Piper asks.
I shake my head. “I think… No, I think I’m gonna be sick.”
Before she can say anything else, I run out of the kitchen and into the employee bathroom. With trembling hands, I manage to lock the door behind me just before I turn and puke my heart out. My whole body quivers, breaking into a cold sweat as I clutch the porcelain bowl, holding on for dear life.
It's been going on for a couple of weeks now, this constant discomfort.
It’s stress-related, most likely. I haven’t been eating well; I haven’t been sleeping well, either. I am exhausted in every possible way, but I cannot put more pressure on my sisters—they’re already dealing with enough from me on top of our parents’ situation.
The way it’s looking right now, it seems like my body has decided to call it quits. This has to be exhaustion. Nothing else comes to mind. Gah, I hate every frickin’ smell now, even the minty bathroom spray, the floral hand soap, the lavender-scented paper towels.
I look at myself in the mirror. I’m green. I’m downright green, my lips quivering as I manage to wash my face and pat it dry with this horrid-smelling paper towel. I feel awful. I feel about as awful as I look. Something tells me it will only get worse. And I think I know why…
CHAPTER20
BECKY
I’m not as good at distancing myself emotionally as I thought. I’m pretty good at keeping a physical distance from Todd, but that’s about it.
The more recent development that I’ve been dealing with hasn’t made anything any easier, either. It has made everything worse, in fact. Worse enough to fill me with resentment—the kind I can’t throw back at anyone, especially Todd, since it takes two to make certain events happen. The best I can do right now, when we’re this close to selling the company, is keep my head down and my mind in the game and pray he doesn’t notice.
It has been hellish without him, I’ll admit. Not that I had him for long.
Every time he comes around to spend time with Elliot and me, it’s like nothing happened. It’s just the three of us, laughing and having a good time, talking and enjoying heaps of fun with my little man. Elliot lights up like a Christmas tree whenever Todd walks into the room. I think I do the same. It will be hard without him, but we will manage. I think we’ll manage.
My head is a jungle. My heart is trapped in a continuous storm. I only have small measures of peace left, and I find those while holding my child close and praying for better days to come. I have fallen in love with the wrong man, and based on the pregnancy test I took earlier this morning I am going to have his baby.
Todd doesn’t know. I don’t even know if I should tell him. The stress of this entire situation is pushing me past my limits, both physically and emotionally.
