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We just stand here some more, with me seeming awkward, and him seeming cold and frigid even.
"Look, I’ve really got things to do, so I don't know what to tell you," Derek finally responds.
I'm taken aback by his demeanor towards me. He really must know something or, I don't know, maybe he's envious. It could be anything but it's strange that he would treat me this way. We've been friendsthroughout our whole childhood, adolescence, and adulthood until now.
Then again, maybe if I was a real friend, I wouldn’t have slept with his sister. And yet, in my defense, it wasn’t just a one-off. I mean, it was supposed to be, but in my heart, it was forever. I’ll never be able to get her off my mind and I truly care about her.
I’m not sure those things would help me mount a defense if he finds out, though.
Maybe he already knows and that’s why he’s acting like this.
If so, there’s probably nothing I could say that would make him change his mind. But at least I’m here trying. Obviously, he doesn’t want to let me in, though, so there’s nothing further I can do.
"Oh, okay. Well, I don't mean to take up too much of your time. I just wanted to check in on you guys. You know, you guys are my friends," I reply.
"Yeah, we're doing fine," Derek answers coldly before closing the door on me.
I'm saddened by his response. I turn and walk away with a very audible sigh. Then I get in my car and drive back home.
I can't believe that this trip has turned out the same way as my last one here did. In fact, this one is even worse. I feel like I've lost both of my best friends now.
I drive back to my parents’ house and go upstairs. I'm not in the mood to eat or do anything. This is going to be the worst vacation ever. I might as well go back early.
I sit at the kitchen table with my laptop out and reconfigure my vacation time. I look online at the airport website and check my flight arrangements.
It turns out that this airline is being pretty particular right now, and not accepting any trades or rescheduling of airfare, maybe because of the holiday weather, or the fact that it's peak travel season. No matter though, since this was only supposed to be a short break from the start.
I have to be back quickly anyway for practice, so I fly out in two days, and that's good. I wish it were sooner but it could be worse.
I kind of can't wait to be back. We're at the height of our football season right now and I've been doing extremely well. I know that's because I've been doing my best not to focus on Bella or any other distractions.
Clearly I haven’t always succeeded at that goal but as time passes, I’m able to clear my head some, which has really helped. My coach has been happy and that’s all I can ask for.
I go to the fridge and grab myself something to drink. Try as I might, there are times like right now that I just can't help myself and Bella is all that I can think about.
When I grab my drink and sit back down, I get on the computer and try doing searches for her online. This consists of finding out what school she goes to and things like that, or typing up her name to see if any of her social media links will appear.
I know some people might consider me to have stalker-like tendencies when it comes to this hobby of mine, but I just wonder if Bella is okay and what she's thinking or feeling and if she misses me and what we did together.
After about an hour of doing this, I find nothing new, so I give up like usual. I can never resist the urge to try again, though, so at least I know it’s still futile.
I grab my drink and go back upstairs to my old bedroom to get ready for bed. I strip off my clothes and walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower.
I don't even wait for the water to get steamy before climbing into it. It warms up as I stand there underneath the water, thinking.
There is no way to contact Bella no matter how hard I try. Maybe it's time I finally forget about her and move on.
I mean, what's the point of still obsessing over her if I can never talk to her again or get a hold of her?
Besides, Derek is still acting weird again, so I guess that's the fucking end of all that for now.
Yes, this is my only option, to forget about her and move on. It’s not just the best option but it’s also truly the only one.
Plus, there are some positives to this only option. It's going to keep my head clear and keep me focused on the game. I know this is going to be easier said than done. Obsessing over Bella has become as natural to me as breathing.
We've both been a part of each other's lives for so long that to have her missing from it now feels so weird. But I have to respect her wishes, and Derek’s, and since I can’t be with her, this might be what’s best for me, too.
I soap up and scrub up and just spend a long time showering because I don’t want to have to move forward with anything.
