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“Slow down, sister. We’re not nearly that far yet. We’ve only kissed once.”
She laughed, hugging me once before getting up from her seat. “You have to start somewhere. Come on. I want to see what you brought to eat. You hungry?”
“Nah. You go on.” I hadn’t eaten, but I wasn’t hungry. Too many butterflies in my stomach for that. “I think I’m going to take a shower and go to bed. It’s been a long, tumultuous day.”
“I’ll save you something. You can reheat it later if you want.” Serelda gave me a smile and gripped my shoulder.
“It’s OK. Eat all you want. I’ll get something fresh tomorrow. You want to think about going down with me?” I knew it was pushing, but I was beginning to believe we both needed pushing. I’d been pushed by the club girls. I could push Serelda in a gentler way.
She looked away. “I don’t know. Maybe.” She shrugged, her head down. “We’ll see.”
Having planted that seed in Serelda’s mind for later, I went to the bathroom for a shower. As I undressed, I looked at myself in the mirror. I usually tried to avoid my reflection. It was a stark reminder of everything that had happened to me I’d tried so hard to forget. Scars crisscrossed my entire body. Even my face. The worst scars, though, were on the inside. Those scars were the ugliest of all.
I hung a towel over the mirror like Serelda and I usually did. Would I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror and not flinch? It had been more than a decade, and I still cringed every time I saw my reflection. I’d been a beautiful girl. The woman? Not so much.
As usual, I hurried through the shower, not wanting to touch myself any more than I had to. After all these years, the scars abrading my palms and the feel of the water slipping over me nauseated me. Using a washcloth or loofah didn’t help either. It seemed like I could feel the raised skin through anything. It was the same reason I didn’t put on lotion. I tried to stay out of the spray of water as much as I could, only stepping under it to rinse.
I didn’t wash my hair because I just wanted to crawl into bed. I’d wash it in the sink tomorrow and deal with the long mass then. I’d have to because I wanted to wear it down to cover as many of the scars on my face I could. Makeup helped, but I had to cake it on thick. I use a silicone gel underneath and a thick foundation to smooth everything over. It was a horrid ritual that took time, but it was the only way to hide the nasty things. And I didn’t want to see Roman unless my scars were covered.
Roman. God, the man was larger than life! He was quiet most of the time. No-nonsense. When he needed to take charge, he did so without hesitation. I saw the way the club girl had looked at him. She wanted him. What woman wouldn’t? He was tall, muscled, powerful. Everything a girl needed to keep her safe. He was the type of man to defend what was his with everything in him. At least, I thought he was. He’d also seemed to have claimed me. I hoped I was right about that, because that was the way I wanted it to be.
I lay in bed for a long time. Just thinking. I replayed the fight in my head. Roman’s response. The response of the other club members. Sting and Brick hadn’t batted an eyelash until I’d stabbed that woman. Then they hadn’t come after me, but her. They’d made it sound like it was the club girl’s fault. I’d attacked first, but I’d been provoked. They seemed to understand that.
I sighed, turning over to glance at the clock. One twenty-three. Had I dozed off or had I been thinking that long? I glanced at my phone on the dresser. It was way too late to call Roman. Besides, I was sure he was just being nice. Or trying to reassure me he wouldn’t be with another woman. But why? Was it all an elaborate scheme to get me to have sex with him? Again, why? He could have any woman he wanted. I wasn’t even sure I could have sex with anyone. He’d said it didn’t matter, but I knew in my heart it did. What man as rugged and strong as Roman wouldn’t need sex? And if I couldn’t give it to him, he’d get it somewhere else. And I’d be heartbroken.
No. Roman wasn’t the man for me. But I wanted him to be.
Chapter Four
Winter
I woke up with Serelda’s back solidly against mine. We often slept like that because we felt safer. Even in the years since we’d been safe behind the walls of Black Reign, it was a habit we’d never broken.
“You going to the common room for breakfast?” Serelda looked over her shoulder as she spoke. I should have known she was awake. We always woke together, no matter how long either of us had been asleep.
“I thought I might. You want to come with me?”
She was silent for a long while. I thought she might have gone back to sleep, but she let out a defeated sigh, then answered me. “No. Not today. Will you bring me back something?”
“You know I will.”
“You know what I like.”
“I do.”
I got up and showered, washing my hair thoroughly. The towel from the night before was still over the mirror. I didn’t remove it until I’d brushed and dried my hair. Then, with a sigh, I removed it long enough to put the putty-like silicone on my face to smooth out the scars over my skin, then cover it all with a thick foundation. Years of this same ritual helped me to hurry. Before leaving the bathroom, I replaced the towel.
Serelda was still in bed and had gone back to sleep. The scars on her face were much worse than mine because she’d tried to protect me. That had been her punishment.
A rage built inside me. It always did when I remembered how she’d protected me from those vile men when I couldn’t protect myself. I wanted to kill them all. Every single one. But I had no way of doing it. Not when I didn’t know who they were. Our father was dead. So was our stepmother. They were the only two people I knew of who could tell us the names of the men they’d sold us to. Truthfully, there were so many I doubt either of them could have remembered anyway.
Taking a breath, I closed my eyes and pictured a quiet, sunny meadow. The only sounds around me were birds singing, summer bugs buzzing, and a warm breeze rustling the leaves of trees surrounding the meadow. I pictured that scene in my mind until I could almost feel the wind on my face.
Deep breath in. Let it out slowly. Repeat.
Once I was steady again, I finished dressing before heading out of our room.
The common room was humming with activity. Men were up and about, the party seeming to be never ending. Though no one was drinking, and there were no women present other than Iris. When the younger woman spotted me, she smiled warmly, getting up and coming to me.
