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Before I can respond, my son goes on, “I did this to you. Fuck. Dad, I’m so sorry. I… You should be retired by now, not taking on new responsibilities. Everyone retires their parents. They don’t make them take on more jobs!”
“Son, stop and sit your ass down. Now.”
Alex gawks at me, and I’m reminded of a time when he was a little kid. Back then, I raised my voice, and he did as told. I scared him then; I probably still do, but he’s grown now, and he hides it better. After a couple of beats, my son takes a seat next to me. It would boost my ego that I make this giant tremble, but I don’t enjoy intimidating my son. I want his respect, sure. But there’s a line.
Even for me.
“You didn’t force me to come to Katantia,” I start in a sober tone. “I chose to do it. I took over because that’s what I do. You can’t retire from my line of work. What’s been happening to me is my fault, not yours, not Kamila’s, not Fylox’s. I love our family, and I would do anything for them.”
I’m not wearing a beanie, but I wish I was. I rub the back of my neck. “Right around your playoffs, my psychiatrist let me go.”
“Let you go how?”
“She said I wasn’t making any progress. The truth is I haven’t been honest with her. For five years, I’ve shut her out. I went to the meetings, but I never gave her permission to cross the threshold. I did this to myself. She’s brilliant at her job, but I’m ruthless, and you know how I can get. I retreat easily. I don’t mind going through things alone.” Alex nods, and it fucking pains me that he knows what I mean. He knows I’m unyielding when I must be. “My psychiatrist vowed to find me a new fit. She did. My appointment with the new guy’s in a week.”
Alex wants to comment, but I don’t let him. “Yes, Ivy’s not my doctor anymore. We didn’t tell you or anyone else because of everything that’s been going on. I never want you to worry about me. I worry about you. That’s what we do.”
“Is it bad? Please, Dad. If you need help, we should get it for you. You’ve never been irrational. When I heard that you trashed the gym you worked so hard for, I was speechless. I didn’t believe that it was you.” The worry in his voice fucks with my insides.
“I’ve got something to tell you, but I’m afraid of your reaction,” I state.
“You? Afraid? Please.”
“Son, I’ve got a girlfriend now.”
“You, what?”
“I’m in a relationship.”
Alex doesn’t say anything, and his past words haunt me.I learned from the best. You weren’t there, Dad. Get over it.I go on, “I will always respect your mother, and you know how I’ve felt about her for—”
“This isn’t about Mom. This is about you. Leave Mom out of this. When did you get a girlfriend?” Alex asks. He’s bad at interrogating, but he’s my son, and I owe him the truth. “Who is she? Did you vet her?”
Of course, I vetted Ivy. Who does he think I am? “I know, son. I can’t help but think I betrayed you.”
“It’s been thirty years almost! I never knew you two as a couple. I’ve never known anything but divorced parents. It’s nothing new to me. I was always worried about you pining after mom after she dumped you. You never let go even while Mom had Howard,” Alex says. His exhale is harsh. “But Howard was never the right guy for mom, and thank God, she finally realized it and got rid of him. She’s enjoying life now, and you should, too. Is this woman you’re seeing a good thing, or are you just passing your time?”
“She’s no Howard.”
“She isn’t?”
“No.”
“Who is she?” Alex asks sneakily.
“Will you ever forgive me for leaving you?”
My son pales at the question. He avoids eye contact, and I don’t fault him. It’ll forever haunt me that I missed a huge chunk of his childhood. If it hadn’t been for Fylox’s abduction and subsequent decade-long disappearance, I would’ve never returned. I was content in the shadows. At least, I pretended to be. I add, “You said that you learned from the best. Is that what I am to you?”
“It’s a figure of speech,” Alex says. His gaze is lowered, fixed on his shiny shoes. I can’t interpret his tone. Is he mad at me for diverting the subject? “I’ll never get over the fact that I had to grow up in a house with Howard. I hate him, and that’ll never change. He didn’t hurt me, but I didn’t like his attitude. We had irreconcilable differences. When you weren’t there, my mom loved me enough for the both of you. You came back at a time when I needed you most. Fylox wouldn’t be with us if you hadn’t helped to find and bring him back home. I forgave you a long time ago. You should forgive yourself at some point. You’re not perfect, but who is? You’re here now… Dad, if you want to leave Katantia, nobody’s going to blame you.”
“I don’t want to leave Katantia,” I clarify. My throat is dry, and I feel heavy where I sit. “I can’t get over what happened. It was the hardest decision of my life, leaving you and your mom. I’ve just learned to move on from your mom. I… I talked to her about this when she was here. I haven’t worked through all the guilt I feel for that decision, and it’s eating me up. I saw you succeed because you are you, and why the fuck would you not succeed?”
“I watched the finals with my girlfriend. She wasn’t my girlfriend at the time. It was an out-of-body experience. I was with her, and everything was going great. I felt like the dominoes were set up the right way. Nothing could disturb my peace. Then, Kamila called to check on me because I wasn’t with the family during the game, and it all crumbled. It is weak. It’s embarrassing, son. I don’t know why it felt that way, but I couldn’t stomach it. The palace, the kingdom… You, back home, taking all the risks, playing your heart out, and achieving your goals. I spread myself too thin, and at that moment, I felt it. I’m not Travis. He handled all of this without a care in the world. He was a warrior like that.”
“Travis suffered,” Alex comments. “Kamila talks to me about it. He wasn’t just a warrior. He was human. He made mistakes. Ask Felicita about it. You need to accept that you make mistakes, too. You need to trust more. We all love you, and we will support your every choice.”
I let out a long sigh. We should be working out since that was the plan, but having a heart-to-heart with my son isn’t that bad after all.
