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“Just getting a drink.” I knelt next to him, and the words froze to ice on my lips. What could I say to him? After all the lies I’d told, I still hated lying to my son. “I love you so much, Dylan.”
I couldn’t promise I’d always be there for him, that I’d always protect him, and that made me hate Nathan more than anything else.
Dylan merely stared at me, and I wondered if he still believed that I loved him when I didn’t protect him. The thought made something tear open in my chest.
Then he threw himself into my arms, hugging me fiercely, and even though every bruise throbbed where he touched me, I hugged him back tightly.
I carried him into his room and lay down beside him. I stroked his hair, watching his face relax into sleep. He was such a handsome little man; sometimes, he smiled in a way that was all Brennan, causing my heart to melt and terror to overtake me all at the same time. Surely, someone would eventually notice that he looked just like Brennan as a boy. What would Nathan, in all his fragile pride, do to Dylan if he realized?
Despite all the fear, all the anxiety racing through my blood, I felt myself soften toward sleep while watching him. Dylan was my only peace, but he depended onmeto make the world peaceful for him. The most overwhelming thing about parenting is that kids think you can fix anything, and it’s an innocence that can’t last, but it still hurts to kill that innocence with your failures.
I meant to get up before I fell asleep, but sleep claimed me. The next thing I knew, it was morning. Bright sun streamed through the windows, and I sat up, horrified.
Nathan hated it when I slept in the same bed as Dylan. Since Dylan was a baby, Nathan had insisted that he go to sleep in his own room so Dylan couldn’t ruin his time with me. Nathan thought he deserved me all night, whenever he wanted me. The memory of Dylan’s feeble newborn cries from his crib while Nathan crushed me against the wall, then covered my throat in his wet kisses, made my stomach twist all over again.
I rushed out of bed and headed to the bedroom, where I found rumpled bedcovers. No Nathan.
There was a rumble of tires outside, and I looked out to see trucks parking along the street in front of our house. The convoy was getting ready to roll out. Hastily, I pulled on jeans and a sweater, brushed my teeth, and smoothed down my hair gingerly; my scalp still ached. I stared at my bruised face and debated if there was even a point to caking makeup painfully over those bruises before deciding I couldn’t handle it today. Then I rushed downstairs to make coffee for Nathan and the others. It wouldn’t be too long before he’d be gone and I’d have a respite.
While the coffee steadily filled the glass pot, the front door opened. Nathan’s boots were noisy on the floors.
When I turned to him, he drew back slightly at the sight of my face. “Good morning.”
“Good morning.” I got his thermos down for him. “Sorry I slept so late.”
“It’s all right,” he replied magnanimously, squeezing me around the waist.
Dylan came down the stairs, his feet a slowthump-thumpthat indicated he was sleepy. He started to walk into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes blearily.
“Get dressed,” Nathan said, riffling his hair with his hand. “Big day today, son.”
I almost poured coffee over my hand instead of into the thermos. “Big day?”
“I don’t want to miss the two of you. You can ride along with me.” He kissed the top of my head. “It should only take you a few minutes to pack, now that you’re finally up.”
No, no, no. I said nothing, my mind reeling. I had to find a way to get out of this without making him suspicious. He was usually tender with me the day after. “I don’t feel that great today, honey. Maybe Dylan and I could ride along with you next time?”
My voice came out soft and level. He hated when I blamed him, so I did my best to make it sound like I might be sick instead of bruised and battered.
“I know,” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist. I swayed into him, despite the way the odor of his body always overwhelmed me. To me, he carried a faintly metallic scent, with notes of nail polish remover. We were never meant to be mates; mates wouldn’t smell like that to each other. “You’ll be okay.”
I had to make sure Dylan didn’t get in the truck. I glanced at Dylan, who luckily chose that moment to run toward his stash of Legos in the living room. The sight of his russet hair and bright blue eyes filled me with a sudden burst of emotion; I couldn’t stand the thought of orphaning him today. But his life would be better, safer, without Nathan, even if he was also without me.
“It’ll be nice to spend some time together,” I said softly. “What about sending Dylan to ride with Aiden? Dylan will love the time with his uncle, and you and I . . .” I trailed off, twisted in his arms, and kissed his neck, since he was so much bigger than me that I couldn’t easily reach his cheek. “Well, it’s a long drive. I can use my mouth to make the miles fly by . . .”
His laugh rumbled against my chest. “That sounds good,” he admitted. “You’re always so sweet to me after we make up.”
His words made me freeze, but I just smiled.
“Yeah, send Dylan with Aiden,” he agreed.
I got Dylan dressed and put some clothes and our toiletries in our bag. I took a few moments to hug him tightly, even though he was more interested in talking to me about his Batman T-shirt and his new Lego build. When he squirmed out of my grip, I led him downstairs.
Aiden was outside his truck, smoking a cigarette and looking more grouchy than any rumple-haired twenty-two-year-old should. His life of sleeping around and sleeping in must be exhausting.
His truck was one in a line of a dozen vehicles. The packs tried to stay away from outsiders as much as possible, protecting our way of life. He’d loaded his truck with lumber from the pack’s forest that would be taken to another pack for their homes. They’d come back with mostly empty trucks but some guns taken in barter. Because not every other pack could be trusted, the trucks were accompanied by faster-moving vehicles filled with armed shifters. We would stay on highways—neutral territory—but there was still the possibility something would go wrong.
“Hey,” I said to him, crossing the yard with Dylan.
