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My eyes drifted close in relief. Somehow those words hit harder hearing them from Shaw. Maybe it was because it was confirmation of something I barely dared to believe. Or maybe it was because I trusted Shaw far more than I trusted Joshua.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
My eyes flew open as I heard a sudden rustle and then a sound of creaking metal close by. The next thing I knew, Shaw was easily climbing over the railing of the balcony. The moonlight shone across the taut muscles of his body, and then he was standing beside me.
I glanced down at the ground, then up at him.
He shrugged and smiled. “Anything’s possible with proper motivation.”
“You’re a climber like my sister,” I told him, and his smile dimmed.
“I ran into her,” he said quietly. “She’s… intense.”
A wave of protectiveness washed over me. “Where did you run into her?”
“She’s working at the diner where you used to work.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t picture my little sister there, in the place where I once sat across from Brennan in a booth. The memory used to be lit with a warm glow but now when I pictured Brennan smiling at me, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, it was tainted by the memory of what came after. Of Brennan, fighting desperately, going down under a pile of shifters… “Is she okay?”
He hesitated. I thought he was going to lie to me until he said, “She doesn’t seem great. She said your mom’s been unhinged.”
“She’s always unhinged,” I said, but I still worried about her. “God. I wish…” I ran my fingers through my hair and stopped, unable to even think of what I wished for.
I just wanted the world to be different. I wanted my mom to be loving and kind and just… a mom. I wanted someone to love me like I loved Dylan.
“I was thinking I’d go visit Brennan’s grave,” he told me quietly. “I wanted to tell you what I saw, but… I’ve got a lot to think about and that’s where I go. You look like you have a lot to think about too.”
They had his body? I didn’t know there was any grave for him.
I hesitated, not sure if he was inviting me to come with him or not. I didn’t want to ruin his time alone. “Can I come?”
Shaw nodded. “Of course.”
Dylan was still sleeping soundly, his dark lashes resting in the hollows above his round baby cheeks. I knelt and kissed one of his sweet cheeks before straightening and pulling on Brennan’s old sweatshirt.
The two of us went up a long, dark trail that wound through the forest, steadily upward, until we emerged in a small clearing at the top of the hill. From here, it seemed as if we could see all of the pack territory.
As if Brennan were the alpha still keeping watch.
Longing rose in my chest, longing for someone and something that could never again exist. I just wanted Brennan to wrap his arms around me and hold me against his chest.
But instead, Shaw was beside me, uncertainty written across his handsome face as if he could tell I was struggling.
I managed a smile, although it felt hollow. “Do you come up here often?”
“Sometimes. We all came up here on the anniversary of the day…” He trailed off.
“I was thinking about it too that day.”
“But it feels like everyone else comes up here to remember he’s dead. I come up here…” he trailed off. “He was always the one who I could talk to. I love Stone, but he’s, you know, Stone. And Liam is impossible to talk to; he’s like a sentient fortune cookie. But Brennan, Brennan would listen to me.”
He rested his hand lightly on the tombstone, and for the first time, I faced it: it was a stone cross and the vines of the rose bushes were beginning to creep up it. But if the vines pricked Shaw, he didn’t show it. He was too lost in his thoughts. “Still does. But now I don’t get to listen to his advice. Or his shitty jokes.”
I rested my hand over his. “I miss him too.”
“I know you do. It’s good to share that with someone.” The sadness in his eyes was unusual when Shaw was usually full of laughter and glib remarks. “It feels like the whole world shattered when we lost him, and we didn’t even know he was leaving. One minute my brother was there and alive, and the next he was gone…” he trailed off, shaking his head.
“He didn’t tell you?”
