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Reaching his bedroom, I carefully lower him onto his bed.
“That was a stupid question,” Anderson continues as Esme helps him out of his shoes and I go to the bathroom to grab a trash bin in case he needs to vomit. “Of course you know how fucked it is. They’re planning to marry you off to a man you don’t love.”
“Jameson isn’t that bad,” she argues, keeping her gaze averted. “He does a lot of volunteer work.”
“But do you actually want to be with him?”
Esme nervously glances at me before looking back at Anderson. “It doesn’t matter what I want.” Grabbing a blanket, she drapes it over his body.
“See. Fucked. We’re both bloody fucked.” He pulls the blanket up to his chin, curling up on his side, eyes closing. “Sometimes I wish I was never born.”
Esme sighs, leaning down and kissing his forehead. “But I’m glad you were. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. Just sleep it off, Anders. I’m sure you’ll feel better in the morning.”
“Not likely.”
She stares at him for a beat, pulling her lips between her teeth. When she briefly looks to the ceiling, I catch a glint of moisture in her eyes. But she schools her frustration quickly, tousling Anderson’s hair.
“I love you.” She leaves another kiss on his forehead, then turns, meeting my eyes before heading out of his bedroom, through the living room, and into the foyer.
I follow, quietly closing the door to his apartment behind me.
“Thanks for taking care of him tonight,” she offers evenly. “I know my brother can be a bit much, especially when he drinks. So thank you.”
“I’ll always be here for him, no matter what.” I pause. “Just like I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”
She lifts her gaze to me, lips parting, unease stifling the air between us. This is the first time I’ve been this close to her since that day in the stables. Since I turned her down out of duty and obligation, essentially forcing her into Jameson’s arms.
But what choice did I have? Did either of us have? There are much bigger forces at play here, something I’ve reminded myself of every time I saw footage of them kissing, pretending to be madly in love.
Every time I found myself wishing I could kiss Esme whenever I wanted.
“Listen, Creed…” Her voice cuts through my thoughts, and I whip my gaze to hers as she squares her shoulders. “I’d like to apologize for my behavior the other day.” She holds her head high but doesn’t look at me. More like just past me. “Admittedly, I was taken by surprise with how fast everything was progressing with Jameson. I said things I shouldn’t have, put you in an uncomfortable position, and regret it. So I think it’s best if we could both forget that conversation ever happened.” She finally floats her eyes to mine.
“You’re Anders’ best friend. He’s leaving on deployment soon, and I won’t see him for six months. Since I’d like to spend as much time with him as possible, it follows that the two of us will also be spending a great deal of time together. So I’d like it if things can go back to the way they were before. If we can both forget what I asked of you. It was inappropriate, and you have my sincere apologies.”
Her words linger in the air for several long moments, neither one of us moving.
What do I even say to that?
Maybe if I were thinking clearly, I’d reply with something meaningful. But the only response my brain manages to come up with is to tell her she shouldn’t be sorry. That I wanted to accept her proposition.
That I still do.
“Well…” She clears her throat, increasing the distance between us. “I’m sure you want to get home. I’ll check on Anders every so often.” She crosses the foyer toward her apartment, stepping inside. “Good evening, Lieutenant Lawson.” Then she closes the door, leaving me alone.
I don’t move for several moments, torn between what I want and what’s expected of me.
All my life, I’ve chosen the latter. Enlisted in the military at eighteen. Trained for special teams and made it through without quitting, something not many people do. Then became one of the few selected to be part of the elite protection squad when I’m sworn into the royal guard. This is the path that’s been charted for me since birth.
Just like Esme’s path has been charted for her.
And our paths were never supposed to cross.
But am I really okay always wondering what if? With depriving myself of what I want simply out of duty or obligation?
I thought I was. Thought I was okay with my place in this world.
Not anymore. Not when it means sacrificing my own happiness, even if that happiness only lasts for a few hours.
