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“I…,” I begin, but struggle to find the words I need to explain how not okay I am. Especially when I peer into his dark gaze, the breeze kicking up his addictive scent of citrus and leather.
Now that I’m in his presence again, I’m reminded of my conversation with Marius and Harriet. About how I should ask Creed to take my virginity.
Days ago, I had no intention of ever propositioning him.
Or anyone, for that matter.
That was before I learned my father, my last line of defense, is actually on board with this arrangement.
Before I realized there’s nothing I can do to stop this out-of-control freight train.
“I’m a virgin,” I blurt out.
“Umm…” He runs his fingers through his hair.
“And I don’t want to be anymore.” I keep my head held high, despite the nerves wracking me. “This is probably going to come off as a…strange request. You’ll think I’m crazy for even asking this of you. And maybe I am. But I was hoping you’d…” I wave my hand around, avoiding his stare, “help me take care of that.”
“I’m sorry.” He coughs. “Are you asking me to…sleep with you?” His voice is barely louder than the gentle wind blowing through the stables.
“I know how it must sound.” I laugh under my breath. “Now that I hear it out loud, it sounds absurd. But the royal household is determined to announce an engagement by the end of the summer. For me,” I clarify.
“To Jameson Gates?” His jaw ticks as he clenches and unclenches his fists.
I look at him quizzically. “How do you know?”
He shrugs. “I saw him roaming around. Thought it unusual, but now it makes sense.”
“I don’t get a say about much that goes on in my life. I’ve made my peace with that. I can try to resist all I want, but experience has taught me that if the royal household wants to announce an engagement by the end of the summer, that’s exactly what they’ll do. I don’t want to give them this, too,” I manage to say through the heaviness in my throat. “I want to decide who gets to be my first.”
“And you’re choosing me?”
I swallow hard. “I am.”
He stares at me for a protracted beat, rubbing the back of his neck. Then he expels a long breath, arm falling to his side.
“You’re my best mate’s little sister. And the Princess Royal.” He leans closer, his proximity causing a shiver to roll through me. “I’m to be royal guard in a few months. And not just one of the ceremonial guards on display in front of the palace for the tourists. But part of the elite protection squad. I could be assigned to your protection team.”
I erase the last remaining space between us and tilt my head back, meeting his eyes. “But you’re not yet.”
He hesitates, neither pushing forward nor retreating. His gaze fixates on my mouth, pupils dilating, breaths coming quicker.
I wonder if he’s recalling that kiss I gave him all those years ago right before he left for basic training. I didn’t know what came over me back then. I just hated the idea of something horrible happening to him before I could have a taste of what I’d fantasized about since I discovered boys weren’t as gross as I’d originally believed.
“Esme…” His Adam’s apple bobs up and down in a hard swallow, every muscle in his body growing taut with indecision. He flexes his hands, like he’s desperate to yank me against him and kiss me in a way that would leave me utterly breathless. At the same time, he knows he should walk away. That this will only end in disaster.
But that doesn’t stop the anticipation from coiling within me, his need for me palpable in the lust that consumes his dark eyes. I may not be overly experienced when it comes to sex, but I know what hunger looks like.
And right now, Creed peers at me as if he’s been starved for days, months, and he’s finally stumbled across the one thing that will satisfy him.
“Please, Creed,” I breathe, inching closing still. “Kiss me. There’s nothing saying we can’t. Not right now.”
He doesn’t move for several long moments, seemingly consumed by indecision. Finally, he groans, dipping his head toward me, lips so near I can taste them.
I close my eyes, bracing myself for his kiss, his touch, his anything.
“Except my conscience.” He abruptly pulls back.
I snap my stare to his. “But your conscience will allow some guy I have no history with to sleep with me after my grandmother and Silas Archer all but whore me out to him.”
