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I follow her through the living room, and into the foyer, quietly closing his apartment door behind me.
“Thanks for taking care of him tonight,” she offers evenly. “I know my brother can be a bit much, especially when he drinks. So, thank you.”
“I’ll always be here for him, no matter what.” I pause. “Just like I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”
She lifts her gaze, lips parting, unease stifling the air between us.
This is the first time I’ve been this close to her since that day in the stables. Since I turned her down out of duty and obligation, essentially pushing her into Jameson’s arms.
What choice did I have? Did either of us have? There are much bigger forces at play here, something I’ve reminded myself of every time I saw footage of them kissing, pretending to be madly in love.
Every time I found myself wishing I could kiss Esme whenever I want.
“Listen, Creed…”
At the sound of my name on her lips, I snap out of my thoughts.
“I’d like to apologize for my behavior the other day.” She holds her head high but doesn’t look at me. More like just past me. “I was caught off guard by how fast everything was progressing with Jameson. I said things I shouldn’t have, put you in an uncomfortable position, and regret it.” She finally floats her eyes to mine.
“You’re Anders’ best friend. He’s being deployed soon, and I won’t see him for six months. Since I’d like to spend as much time with him as possible before then, it follows that the two of us will also be spending a great deal of time together.” She gestures between our bodies. “I’d like it if things can go back to the way they were. If we can both forget what I asked of you. It was inappropriate, and you have my sincere apologies.”
Her words linger in the air for several long moments, neither one of us moving.
What do I even say to that?
Maybe if I were thinking clearly, I’d reply with something meaningful. The only response my brain manages to come up with is that she shouldn’t be sorry.
That I wanted to accept her proposition.
That I still do.
But I can’t tell her that.
Can I?
“Well…” She clears her throat when I remain mute. “I’m sure you want to get home. I’ll check on Anders every so often.” She crosses the foyer toward her apartment, stepping inside. “Good evening, Lieutenant Lawson.” With a final cordial smile, she closes the door, leaving me alone.
I don’t move for several moments, torn between what I want and what’s expected of me.
All my life, I’ve chosen the latter. Enlisted in the military at eighteen. Trained for special teams and made it through without quitting, something not many people do. Became one of the few selected for the elite protection squad when I’m sworn into the royal guard. This is the path that’s been charted for me since birth.
Just like Esme’s path has been charted for her.
Am I really okay always wondering what if? With depriving myself of what I want simply out of duty or obligation?
I thought I was. Thought I was content with my place in this world.
Not anymore. Not when it means sacrificing my own happiness, even if that happiness only lasts a few hours.
So instead of doing what’s expected of me, I step toward Esme’s apartment and gently knock on her door, praying this doesn’t turn out to be a colossal mistake.
Chapter Eleven
Esme
Why was that so damn difficult?
It shouldn’t have been.
