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My pulse jackhammers, pounding into my ribs. Her throat’s moving, bobbing up and down, but no words are tumbling out.
Her eyes turn glacial, and the air feels as if it’s rippling off her. Unshed tears spring around the edges of her lids, but they never fall as she desperately tries to control whatever turmoil is wavering in her mind.
“Stop,” she begs when her bottom lip starts to tremble. Her shoulders seem to shrink in size right before me.
Bitter laughter bubbles at the back of my throat and I scrub a hand from my mouth down to my jaw, taking in her turmoil. “You think I enjoy seeing you like this? Because, Hailey…I don’t. Why would you think I would want to see you devastated?”
Why am I the one who sounds so wounded and broken all of a sudden?
Still, she says nothing, but with the way her jaw flexes, I know she can hear me just fine. My words drift through her clouded brain. In contrast, my heart is rioting with her carefully muted being.
I suppress a hiss, needing to know. After too much silence passes between us, my mind finds the time to do the worst possible thing.
Wonder.
My voice is deadly and quiet. “Was the anger better than me?”
The corded lines between her brows stretch before shrinking back in. Her body is rigid and exhausted, but I give her some credit because she refuses to leave.
This is at least one improvement. She hasn’t left me high and dry, not yet…
“Yes.”
Her simple answer makes the muscles around my stomach squeeze. Hailey’s eyes are suddenly as colorless as nitrogen but not as reactive.
“Yes,” she says again with more confidence, taking a step toward me when before she appeared to want the complete opposite.
Her chest rises and falls. “Yes, Finn, anger was better. Anger was better than tears. Anger was better than the grief of dealing with my parents’ divorce. Anger was easier to succumb to than the guilt of knowing I betrayed every last one of my friends.”
Pain slices down the middle of my chest at her pause. Her lips smash together before her nerves fire, coming back alive.
An unfamiliar something burns at my throat from the sight, but I shove past it.
“Anger was better than everything! It was easier to deal with the anger than convince myself how much I hated the absence of you…” Hailey gulps, going unexpectedly pale, as if she hadn’t been expecting the confession either.
She’s panting and blinking. The words as heavy as the stricken look in her eyes.
I can do nothing but watch.
I’m the one who’s now nonverbal.
My body goes numb. Not even my lungs attempt to scream for air. How can they when I am completely paralyzed in my spot?
It was easier to deal with the anger than how much I hated the absence of you.
I dip my chin, inhaling. “You’re the first person who’s ever made me feel seen, Williams.”
Unlike Cole, I’d never been the strong silent type or crazy smart like Eli. I’ve always felt like I had to run my mouth to get acknowledged, to be the entertainment if I wanted to be noticed.
With Hailey, I never had to do any of those things. I didn’t need to be loud or show-offy, I could just be Finn, and it was enough.
It was in high school; I remember the day perfectly.
“You were in your uniform. Navy blazer and matching skirt. You had your hair down, a rare occasion, but I loved it nonetheless.” I smirk at the memory. “I asked if you knew who I was. Do you remember what your response was? I do. You said, ‘everyone knows who you are. Finn Casper.’ I tried to flirt with you after you never texted back, and do you remember what happened then?”
I don’t give her a chance to answer. Call me superstitious, but I don’t want her to ruin this recollection for me.
“I told you it was a privilege to know me. You weren’t impressed and that’s when I thought, ‘this girl’s not like everyone else.’ I knew you were different right then, and in less than a minute, you had me.”
