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“Did I stutter?”
Hailey may have never asked me to fall for her, but I did anyway. She didn’t ask me to find her, but I searched even if she wanted to stay lost. She may not need me, but she won’t be alone. I’ll continue to love her enough for the both of us, even if it means I have to from a distance.
Besides, I’m more than accustomed to loneliness. Heartbreak was the only thing to ever speak louder than the voices inside my head.
forty-six
Hailey
Hetoldmeheloved me, but he didn’t understand how wrong it was. Finn can’t love me because doing that is like trying to reach for land when you’re stranded in the middle of the sea.
Impossible and draining.
You’ll reach, reach, reach for something solid, but after a while, you exhaust yourself enough you only end up drowning.
He wants to save me—I know that with every fiber of my being—but it’s too late because I’ve already drowned.
I’m not the girl he loved in high school or the one hethinkshe loves now. He wants her, the old me, and I can’t share her with him because that naive girl who believed in happy endings has been woken up.
Finn wants an idea of me. An illusion.
My judgment may have lapsed, and I let myself become unrestricted. I was more relaxed in these last few months than in years, but…it was easier than I ever expected it to be.
Finn has a way of doing this, though, he’s always had a way of easing my tension, so I grabbed hold and locked my grip before I understood what I was doing.
The soft clink of a glass pulls me from my thoughts. It’s Abram, Rory, and Finn’s father. He’s beaming, so proud, as he pushes back his chair and stands.
It must be time for speeches, or maybe he’s just pushing the agenda. How long have I been spaced out?
I’m at the rehearsal dinner, and I should be overjoyed because my bestie’s getting married tomorrow. A day filled with devotion and commitment, and I continue to believe I have none.
This summer has sped by and…that’s it. I refuse to allow myself to think more of it, especially since I know Rory’s been eyeing me suspiciously all night.
Has Finn told her what happened between us? What he confessed to me?
I clear my throat into my napkin before faking a smile over in Abram’s general direction when everyone starts to clap. He’s finished his speech and a better maid of honor would’ve paid more attention to what he said, or any.
Again, my mind tumbles like a ball of thread. The end of the string coming loose with only a small tug.
I should be the one to tell Rory. She’s my best friend and it would be terrible of me not to. I haven’t found the right moment. Her upcoming marriage is obviously more important than my own issues.
Selfishly though, I want to tell her everything, my conflicts, my worries, my doubts, right now. It’s been eating away at me since everything came to light in the hallway of my house. I need someone to talk to, not my parents, who coincidentally have seemed cordial with each other the entire evening.
At one point, I witnessed my father introduce his girlfriend to my mother and her smile wasn’t at all fake. Not surprising, but still unexpected, to say the least. My mom’s was genuine, unlike the one that’s been plastered to mine for the last few minutes.
People are watching, mostly him.
Shuddering, I refuse to turn sideways. However, in my peripherals, I do spot how his drinks seem to be not only bottomless but much stronger than the champagne everyone else drinks around us.
Finn can’t love me because I can’t love him.
My tongue clicks out of my own aggravation, but I hide it by taking a sip from my champagne flute. I mean, I don’t.
You don’t love Finn Casper.
It’s futile. Preposterous and can only end in one way.
Disaster.
