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“I know. That’s why I brought you. Don’t think I missed the leaflets you kept leaving around the house, Ash. You’re not exactly subtle.”
“So you noticed then. I love it, thank you.” He leaned across to kiss Hayden’s cheek before sitting back in the seat. “This is just so thoughtful.”
After parking, Hayden paid the entrance fee and followed Ash around, falling for him a little more each time he gazed with wonder at the art before him. He’d reach behind him to grab Hayden’s hand, squeezing it as each new piece enthralled him. So beautiful, such a kind, gentle soul, and he was about to possibly ruin the whole thing.
“I can’t wait to see the rest,” Ashok said as they walked back to the car. They were both hungry and decided to break for lunch.
It wasn’t quite warm enough to sit outside, so Hayden laid the bag out between them, opening each of the individual boxes containing the food: halloumi cheese, little snack pots of roasted vegetables in flavoured olive oil and small cakes he’d brought from work. They deserved a treat.
“You seem distracted,” Ashok said to him as they ate.
“I’m OK. Just something on my mind.” He could hardly speak; he was so nervous.
“Anything I should know about?” Ashok fed him a piece of the cheese, and Hayden chewed it, feeling nauseous as he swallowed.
As the day had progressed, so had the queasiness. Add in a cold sweat that covered his body, and he was about ready to call it a day, but he’d promised himself and his mum that he’d tell Ashok the truth.
He took a big breath. It was now or never.
“So, I know you think I’m this good Samaritan.” Hayden glanced across at Ashok, seeing his curious expression. “Angela talks about it enough, and maybe now, I am a good person. I try to do my best by people, you included.” Saliva filled his mouth, and he felt a desperate need to throw up, but he swallowed it down. He’d started; he needed to finish.
“I…” He faltered, gathering his words. “I wasn’t always this person. I think it’s only fair to tell you the truth about who I was.”
Ashok looked at him worriedly. “Should I be concerned?”
Hayden shrugged. He didn’t need to benow. He’d left that life behind a long time ago, but how it would affect them both going forward, he couldn’t say.
“Not now, but what I’m about to tell you might change the way you see me. You might not like me anymore.” The thought of that brought tears to his eyes. He couldn’t lose him now, not after having just found him. The one person he felt he could trust. He needed Ash to trust him, and he needed to earn that trust.
“I’m sure it can’t be that bad, but I’ll listen and make up my own mind.” Ashok touched his hand. “Tell me, let me decide.”
Hayden looked out of the windscreen. He couldn’t look at Ashok and tell his story. He couldn’t face seeing the disappointment that was bound to be there It would kill him inside.
“When I was younger, before I even moved here, I struggled with a lot of things. The man you see today isn’t the boy I was all those years ago, and I don’t just mean I’ve grown. I’ve changed. I had to, otherwise I wouldn’t be here today.” He wasn’t making any sense, but he ploughed on regardless.
“There’s no easy way to say this, but I was a bully to people like you.”
Ashok shifted in his seat, and Hayden could sense the tension coming off him.
“What do you mean? Mixed race? Person of colour? I don’t understand.”
“I was a bully to anyone who didn’t conform to my idea of a man. So, gay, trans, effeminate men that weren’t how I thought they should be.”
“But you’re gay yourself.”
“No, I’m not. I’m bisexual, and every sexual encounter I’d ever had was with a woman. Until one night, a friend of mine invited me over. I was eighteen and still undecided about what I wanted to do with my life. I’d not even considered university at that point and was living off my parents, much to their disgust. I was lazy and obnoxious with it.”
Ashok opened his mouth to speak, but Hayden stopped him. He needed to get the words out now he’d started.
“I went around to his house, and his girlfriend was there. She was fit, or I’d always thought so, but she’d confided in him that she’d always wanted a threesome. She liked me and as I was his friend, he thought he could ask me. I went along with it. I’ll not go into too much detail but, suffice it to say, she wanted to see two guys together. At the time, it sickened me. I was a man’s man, definitely not interested in men, or so I told myself. She was insistent, though, and we’d had a few drinks, so I agreed.”
Hayden looked at Ashok. He was sitting there wide-eyed, listening to every word.
“The thing is, I’d been lying to myself for years. I watched the guys as they got changed in the changing rooms at school, eyed them up in the showers, all the time telling myself it was nothing. I was just curious, and it meant nothing. I slept around with girls, used them, but often I was thinking about what it’d be like to fuck a man, and when that opportunity was offered to me, I took it and fucked my friend. When I got home, I threw up, and for the next few weeks, I avoided him. Drowned myself in booze. I was vile, a horrible human being.”
“It was a long time ago,” Ashok said. “We all have secrets.”
“I don’t want this to be a secret anymore, not between us. It’s eating me alive not telling you, and if it means you’re done with me, then I’ll accept that, but I can’t go on living this lie, living as this Hayden when you need to know who I was before.
