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“I knew it was a risk, Ashok. I just hope in time you can forgive me.”
“Let’s take it one day at a time, Hayden. I’m not going anywhere.”
Hayden nodded and looked a little happier. “I’m going to take a shower. I’ll see you later.”
Ashok sat quietly, thinking about what both Hayden and Dianne had said about honesty. He wasn’t exactly being truthful with them, keeping the situation of his family under wraps. It had taken courage for Hayden to speak out like that. Perhaps he needed to be that brave, too. Didn’t they say a problem shared was a problem halved? He’d give it time, see how they got on over the next few days.
Last night, he’d done what he usually did when he was worried about something and had made a list. Things he could control and things he couldn’t. A friend had suggested it to him a while ago. He called it his worry list. He was to write things on it and was allowed to worry about it for a set time each day. Once that time was up, he was to try and forget as much as he could, put it out of his mind until the next day when he’d look again.
Usually, the things he’d worried about the day before were no longer relevant, and it at least helped him control his anxiety. There was always something on there, the list never empty, and right now, at the top of the list was his father, not this thing with Hayden. He had a feeling that would be resolved.
He’d been ignoring the situation, ignoring the messages from Manvik telling him how angry his father was at not being able to find him. He’d downplayed it, put it out of his mind while he tried to build his life here, but sooner or later, he was going to have to address it. Perhaps he could talk to Hayden about it. At least it wouldn’t be about the very large elephant currently occupying the room.
By now, his tea had gone cold, so he made another and sat quietly in the kitchen.
“For what it’s worth. I’m sorry to have caused you so much pain and make you relive probably the worst day of your life.” Hayden sat down next to him. He looked marginally better, though not by much.
“You didn’t, and actually, the worst day of my life happened way before the assault. Try twenty-three years earlier, on the day I was born.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Hayden
“Whatdoyoumean?The day you were born?” How could anyone hate a baby?
“That’s when my problems started. OK, I’m probably exaggerating a little, but the day Ashok Miller was born was the day my father decided he didn’t like me.” Ashok didn’t sound bitter, just matter-of-fact.
“Why are you telling me this now?” Hayden placed his hand over Ashok’s, fully expecting him to pull away. When he didn’t, his heart did a little jump. Maybe all wasn’t lost after all.
“Honesty? Truthfulness? I don’t know really, but I think it’s the right time.”
“The right time for what?” Hayden was confused.
“To come clean. To tell you why I’m here, sitting in your kitchen. Knowing I should be so fucking angry with you when all I can feel is sorrow. For Bill and Dianne, for Vic and yes, damn it, for you, too. I should hate you right now, but I just can’t. You’ve been so good to me since I moved here, and actually, I am angry at you, but I know, deep down, you’re not that person anymore.”
“I took a huge chance telling you, but I couldn’t go on letting you believe I was this saint, never having done a thing wrong. That wasn’t right. I wanted you to know me, warts and all.”
“And now I want the same. According to my brother, things are escalating. He’s talking of hiring a private detective, although why he’s so intent on finding me, I don’t know.”
“Who’s trying to find you? Your father?”
Ashok nodded. “My dear father. The father who tried to beat me into submission almost every day from the age of ten. The very same father who gave me the bruise you saw the day I arrived.” Ashok touched his face, the bruise gone but not forgotten. “I lived with his abuse for years. My mum has lived with it for over thirty, but enough was enough and this job was my chance to get away from it all. Except now, I think he might be on the verge of finding me.”
“How? I didn’t think you had any contact with your family?” Hayden couldn’t believe a father could do that to a son, but then he remembered how he’d almost done that to someone he didn’t know.
“I don’t. Just the odd message here and there. Mum said she was moving away after I left, but I don’t think she has yet. We’re keeping things vague right now. My father isn’t happy I’ve left and did not tell him where to. The situation was untenable. I couldn’t continue to live that life, Hayden. It was slowly killing me, and Mum. He expected me to join the family business, and I didn’t want to. I just want to dance, Hayden. That’s why I’m here.”
“You’ll always have a place here, no matter what happens. This will always be a safe space for you.” Hayden paused, not knowing if he should ask what was on his mind. What had been on his mind all day. “What happens now, though? With you and me?”
Ashok looked at him sympathetically.
“I can’t say right now. Give me a few days, Hayden. Let all this sink in. I need a little space, and I think it’d be best if I stayed in the little room for the time being. I hope that’s OK.”
“Of course. Take whatever time you need. I completely understand.” And he did, but he was also disappointed. This was all his fault, but he couldn’t live that lie anymore.
“I’m going to take a shower too, and then I’ll be in my room until I have to go teach. Dom’s already said he’d pick me up, but I’ll be home around six.”
“I’ll have dinner waiting for you.” Hayden would do anything to keep him happy.
