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I opened my hands against my knees, rubbing my sweating palms along my pants. All the scenes were over. The Gallery was empty, except for a few lingering Dominants, and a couple of subs waiting in the balcony. Neither of them was Ella.
“Where is she?” I asked.
“In the bathroom, I think. Juliet will stay with her. How are you feeling now?”
“Embarrassed. Regretful.” I put my head in my hands and groaned. “I don’t know what happened, Fort. I just… I looked at him, and I looked at her face, and I saw him beating her up. I know that’s not what happened.”
“No, that’s not what happened. Milo would never do that. Not to Ella. Not to anyone.”
“I know.” I lifted my head and rubbed my eyes. “Jesus. Fuck. I feel sick. I don’t know what happened.”
“Sometimes things just…happen. If I had to guess, I’d say it involves your feelings for her.”
Her.Ella. I hadn’t had many “feelings” before her, but now here they were, violent and unmanageable, tarnished by my fucked-up childhood. I’d catapulted back through time, seen an old nightmare taking place, even though it wasn’t taking place. “You know I’m sensitive about…you know…abuse.”
“I know, and Milo knows, but you should explain it to Ella if you haven’t.”
“I explained it to her, a little.”But I’m still afraid to face her. I totally lost my shit.“I don’t know what to say to her.”
“Tell her you’re sorry,” said Fort. “She’ll understand it’s related to your past. Everything will be okay.”
I hoped so. The calmer I got, the more I realized the outrageousness of my behavior. She was my submissive, and while she was in The Gallery, I was supposed to keep her safe. I stood, steeling myself to face her—and Milo. I’d broken up their scene, which was so against the rules. I’d punched my best friend and accused him of abuse, which was possibly outside the bounds of forgiveness, and I’d terrified Ella, which I’d never, ever wanted to do, except in a fun way.
“Thanks for holding me back,” I said. “Thanks for stepping in to look after my submissive.”
“Returning a favor,” he replied, so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.
In the midst of my angst, I’d forgotten that Fort had lost his shit at The Gallery less than a year ago, abandoning Juliet, leaving her terrified when his demons had become too much. I’d stepped in and handled things when he wasn’t able to. That’s what responsible Dominants did.
Now Milo and Fort were the responsible ones, and I was the one with the demons. One demon. My biological father, whose blood flowed through my veins.
“How bad did I hurt Milo?” I asked as he led me toward the bathroom.
“Not as bad as he hurt you.”
I touched my nose and realized that it was bleeding. I looked down and saw smudged, red drips on my shirt. “Let me clean up before I see her.”
“That’s probably a good idea.”
Fort left me in the bathroom, telling me he’d check on the others. I hunched over the marble counter and stared at my haggard, bloodied face. I’d really fucked up. I took off my ruined shirt and tie and threw them in the trash, then stood in my undershirt, wiping the blood from my nose and mouth.I’m sorry, Ella. I’m not this person. I’ve worked my whole life to avoid being this person.
I looked up when Fort brought Milo into the bathroom. “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice sounding hollow, even though I meant it. “I’m a piece of shit, and I didn’t mean any of what I said.”
“I know.” He leaned his hip against the opposite counter, studying me. He had a darkening bruise beneath his eye. “I know the difference between play and abuse, Dev. I know where the line is. She was okay.”
“I know she was okay. I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
“I don’t either, but you took a good, consensual scene between two people and blew it all to shit.”
It had been my scene, too. Maybe he’d forgotten? I saw one of Fort’s brows rise in the periphery, but I wasn’t going to fight with Milo again. I needed to see Ella. “How is she?” I asked. “Is she still with Juliet?”
“Yes,” said Milo. “She’s shaken up, but she’ll forgive you. She understands you were trying to look out for her, even if you did it in a psycho way.” He stood back and gestured toward the door. “She’s sitting with Juliet and Rene in the lobby. Everyone else has gone home.”
We walked out together, leaving the empty, echoing Gallery dungeon behind us. I’d never heard it so quiet before.Your fault, for losing your shit. All of this is your fault.
Ella was sitting beside Juliet in the lobby. Coats on, collars off. They weren’t submissives now, just women. Ella had taken off her glasses, and cleaned the mascara trails from her face. She looked incredibly beautiful, and incredibly harsh.
“Where are your glasses?” I asked. “Are they broken?”
