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“Okay, kid,” said Milo. “Don’t fuck this up.”
We got off the plane, navigating from the back of the cabin as I glared impatiently at the other passengers. I’d brought an overnight bag, but Milo had nothing, since he was turning around to go back. I didn’t have a ticket to go back, although, shit, I’d eventually have to get on another plane to go home. I chose not to think about that as we navigated customs.
“You should text Dev,” said Milo. “Find out where he is.”
I took out my phone, staring at the screen. This was a new start, possibly the start of something messy and emotional, and maybe…long-term. I thought of my father, who loved my mother unconditionally, through the backwards and forwards of time, and realized how brave that was. If he could love her so deeply, for so long, then I could love someone, too.
I brought up Devin’s name and composed a text.I’m here.
He answered right away, like he’d been waiting.Good. I’m outside customs.
My fingers hovered over my screen. There were so many thoughts in my head.Are you mad at me? I want to see you. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I was afraid on the plane, but I flew here anyway because you mean something to me.
You mean a lot to me.
You mean the world to me.
I love you.
I didn’t text any of that. Maybe I’d say it to him when I saw him, if I found the courage to tell the truth. Instead I texted,we’re almost through customs. I’m wearing a blue striped cardigan.
I know. I can see you.
I looked up, and there he was on the other side of the customs area. It was so white and bright in the terminal that his hair looked platinum, and his eyes electric blue. He was smiling. I could barely breathe.
I tore my eyes from his gaze and looked back down at my phone, and forced my fingers to move.I love you, I typed.
I saw him get the text notification, and look down at his phone. The edges of his lips curled up in a wider smile as he composed an answer to my declaration.I know. You came here on a plane.
I half laughed, half sobbed, and looked up to find him staring at me. He looked away to type again, but then it was our turn at the counter, and I tried to explain in a tearful mess of gobbledy-gook that I didn’t have a return ticket yet because I didn’t know what was going to happen between me and Devin, and that I loved him, and that I wasn’t sure where we were headed, but that everything would be okay because he’d smiled at me, and love wasn’t such a terrible thing. Finally, Milo cut me off and explained in a much more coherent manner that I’d be returning to New York on Friday via Gibraltar Air.
The kind, graying customs agent behind the counter gave me a forbearing nod and I was free to pass. I left my bag with Milo and walked to Devin, then walked faster as his warm gaze drew me in. I think I was running when I threw my arms around him, or maybe he’d run to me. I clung to him, feeling at ease for the first time in weeks. Feeling safe. What I’d been missing wasn’t a need for pain, it was a need for Devin’s control and security. Milo couldn’t have given that to me. I’d known that all along.
Milo…I turned to find him coming up behind us, wheeling my carry-on. “Don’t mind me,” he said in a gruff voice. “I just took half a day out of my life for your nonsense.”
“Ignore him,” laughed Devin. “God, let me look at you. You flew here. Are you okay?”
“Mostly.” I felt giddy just being close to him. He held my waist, and I pressed against the front of him, needing him near. “I have so much to tell you,” I said. “Mainly that I’ve been stupid and afraid, and I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I need you. I missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too.” His voice sounded like the Devin I knew, but not. It was a little more tender. Maybe he was anxious too, like me.
“I’m so sorry,” I cried. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get my shit together.” I pressed my cheek to his, grasping his shoulders. “It took me forever to understand.”
“It’s okay. Time is only a concept, right? What matters is this.” He pointed down at my phone. He’d texted:
I love you, too. I’ve loved you forever.
Foreverwas a loaded word to someone like me, but I had to accept that forever was possible. I pressed my face into Devin’s neck, glasses and all, and thought to myself,okay, I understand about love now. This is day one of forever…
And that’s okay.
Chapter Thirty: Devin
We were inlove. I felt like a different, new man as we waited for our driver, and as I opened the door for her to get in. I didn’t feel different in a movie-of-the-week kind of way. It went deeper than that, like something in my actual body shifted to make room for her, and Jesus, I used to be the guy who didn’t want women’s toothbrushes taking up space in my bathroom drawer.
I looked over as she settled beside me. “You okay?”
“Oh God.” She gave a shaky laugh. “That’s the same thing you asked when we met, when we got on that plane.”
