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“Now she sees me all the time,” I joked, a nervous reaction to their scrutiny.
“I was so sorry to hear that you lost everything in the Michelin fire,” Fort said. “I’m glad Milo was able to offer you a place to stay.”
I stared at Alice, unsettled as always when I thought how close I’d come to losing her. “Blue was the one who insisted she stay,” I said. “He’s taken a shine to her. I doubt he’ll ever let her move out now.”
Alice laughed, looking around at the others, and the conversation moved to brighter topics. I tried to be bright too, because this was a celebration of a new year and new beginnings, but I soon felt the pull of moodiness. My friends and their girlfriends were so happy together, so at ease, because they’d been aware of each other’s kinks from the start. Fort and Juliet met outside a BDSM club, and Devin and Ella had participated in a dungeon scene together before they’d even met.
I studied Alice, the way she moved, the way she talked. Was there something submissive in the way she lowered her eyes, or positioned her body? Any clues in the way she sat or moved her hands? It was a stretch. I usually sensed these things in submissives I met, and I didn’t sense them in Alice, but maybe that was because I’d known her for so long.
Did she sense she was in a room of profoundly kinky people? Most likely not.
Juliet poured another round of champagne as midnight crept closer. I wasn’t drunk enough, but I didn’t dare drink more. One look from Alice, one innocent kiss at midnight could easily go sideways if I let down my guard.
When the conversation came back around to music, and Alice’s job with the New York Metropolitan Orchestra, she told my friends I was making her a new violin to replace her other one. Once again, Fort and Dev threw me speculative looks. Juliet clasped her hands to her heart.
“That’s so romantic.”
They all laughed, and I forced a smile. “I’m not known for my romantic gestures, but I’m happy to do it. I rarely get to make instruments for friends, especially friends with the talent to appreciate my efforts.”
Alice’s eyes shone as she met my gaze. “I’m still so excited that you offered. I can’t explain how much it means to me.”
She meant those words for my friends, but I was the one who couldn’t look away. To my left, Devin and Ella put their heads together, whispering. They were both pretty drunk. Fort and Juliet, as hosts, weren’t drunk, just buzzed. I downed an entire glass of champagne, and Juliet refilled it for me with a secret smile. Like my parents, my friends wanted me to settle down with someone nice.
Like my parents, they didn’t understand how difficult it was for me when it came to my feelings for Alice, the back and forth of caring for her at the same time I wanted to destroy her in bed. I could see Devin and Ella start kissing in my peripheral vision. They’d been drawn to each other from the beginning, even though Ella had held him off for a while in self-preservation. I doubted they’d even notice when the ball dropped at midnight.
There’s nothing worse than spending New Year’s Eve with happy couples.I remembered Alice saying that in my car, the night of my parents’ party. On the other side of me, Fort stared at Juliet, then away, like his love for her was too much to deal with.
“I think I’ll go out on your balcony for some air,” I said, getting to my feet.
“It’s almost midnight,” said Fort.
“I’ll come back before then.”
Mean of me, to leave Alice in there with them when she barely knew them, but if I didn’t get away from all their lovey-dovey moon eyes, I was going to lose my mind. I walked through the kitchen to Fort’s spacious covered patio, his porch in the sky. In the summer, walls of vines provided shade, but in the winter, the vines died back and let in the wind. I hugged myself, looking out at the skyline. Should have brought a coat. Shouldn’t have come in the first place. Alice was right, happy couples were the worst.
You could be in a happy couple if you wanted, my subconscious whispered. It was true. There were plenty of hardcore maso subs at The Gallery who would be interested in a relationship with me. They were fun women, all of them, and easy to get along with. Many times, I’d considered asking one of them out, but the deeper connection wasn’t there. What was this curse, that a girl I’d called Lala for half my life would end up growing into the woman my soul pined for?
“Milo?”
Her voice drew me from my thoughts, and I turned before I gentled my frown. She looked apologetic. “I just thought you might like your coat,” she said, bringing it to me.
“Thank you.” I managed a smile, noting her own coat, wrapped hastily around her shoulders. “Want to join me? There’s a great view.”
She took up a place beside me, and we scanned the surrounding buildings together, finding the lit-up area of Times Square. “Have you ever gone to Times Square on New Year’s Eve?” she asked.
“Hell no. It’s too cold, with too many crowds.”
“I used to see the feeds on TV in Sweden. I always wondered if you were there, since you were my only friend in Manhattan.” She grinned. “I had this idea that I might catch a glimpse of you.”
“There are a lot of people there. Hard to pick out any one person.” I looked over at her profile, and those damn braids. “You should put your coat on and button it up. I think it’s getting colder.” I couldn’t resist helping her, touching her soft fleece coat, brushing my fingertips over one shoulder as I straightened the warm garment. “I don’t even know why I’m out here. Too much champagne inside,” I joked. “I don’t want to get wasted.”
“Devin and Ella are pretty far gone,” she said with a laugh. “But I like your friends. I love the way you’re all so comfortable around each other.”
“I told you they weren’t fancy.”
We settled into silence. I wasn’t touching her, but I wanted to be. She was close enough to touch, close enough to pull into my arms, but I resisted the urge and shoved my hands in my pockets.
“Here’s to a better year,” she said softly, turning away from the wind. “This year wasn’t all bad, but it could have been better.”
