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“Here’s to a better year,” I agreed. “We need some champagne to clink on it.”
“How about a high five?”
“That works.” Awkward, so awkward to exchange high fives. Why didn’t I just confess my true feelings, now, with the view and the wind?Alice, I love you so much that I can’t let myself have you. That’s how deep you live in my heart.
Juliet knocked on the glass, getting our attention, and held up five fingers before she disappeared.
“Five minutes until the ball drops,” I said. We could hear the rising wave of sound from Times Square. “I guess we should be good guests and go inside.”
“Yeah, they’ll want us in there for the countdown.”
I followed her, gazing down at her beautiful hair, and yes, her gorgeous ass that was perfectly framed by her jeans. By the time we got to the living room, all of them were standing up, champagne glasses in hand. We grabbed ours, and I took a sip for Alice’s sake. Yes, to a better year. I’d do everything in my power to make it better for her. The hosts nattered on TV, small talk about New Year’s resolutions, as the crowd drunkenly sangAuld Lang Syne. Ella and Devin shared champagne between kisses, and Fort and Juliet stood together, grinning, wrapped in each other’s arms.
5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
The fireworks on TV were echoed by live fireworks outside the window, booming like bombs. While the couples around us kissed, Alice met my gaze. I took her hand without thinking, and she stood still, waiting. She was waiting for me to kiss her, wasn’t she? It made no sense not to kiss her when everyone else was kissing, and I stared at her lips, wanting to taste them. Just a peck. Nothing serious, just a brush of my lips against hers…
Devin nudged me, nodding toward Fort and Juliet. Their heads were bowed together as they gazed down at the engagement ring Fort had put on her finger a couple months earlier. This was the year they’d become husband and wife. They embraced, kissing with all the passion of a couple who’d decided to stay together their entire lives. What a crazy leap of faith. Well, Fort had always been the responsible one, so of course he’d be engaged first. Devin teased Fort about “saying goodbye to the good life,” but he’d probably be engaged to Ella by the end of this new year.
As for Alice and me, the opportunity for a New Year’s kiss had passed. Instead, we watched the others, and listened to their settled-couple chatter. They were so happy, and I was happy for them, but I felt fucking sad, because happy couples were the worst.
Chapter Six: Alice
Blue poked hishead in my door, and I beckoned him to join me in my empty, cold bed.
“Sorry we were late getting home tonight,” I said, when he’d settled down beside me. “It was New Year’s. Do you know what that is? A new beginning?” I stroked his head as he looked at me with his deeply communicative eyes. “You should know. You got a new beginning when Milo adopted you. What was it like to run around that dog track, and live in a noisy, smelly kennel all the time?”
Blue gave a soft sniff and snuggled closer to me.
“That bad? I believe it. I hate running, and a kennel isn’t nearly as nice as this place.” I laid back and stared up at the ceiling. “What is it about me, Blue? Does he still see me as a kid? As ‘Lala’? Does he worry about us competing as violinists? We have completely different styles, and we’ve chosen different career paths.”
Blue stretched his long, thin legs, pointing his toes and yawning. He wanted petting, not questions, and he was ready to fall asleep.
“Okay,” I said, scratching his ears. “I know it’s past your bedtime.”
I kept the rest of my thoughts to myself, like the thought that Milo just didn’t see me as girlfriend material. I’d never have a heartfelt scene like the one Juliet had experienced tonight, thinking about a wedding with the man she loved most in the world.
Maybe it was my odd coloring, my light green eyes and blonde-ginger hair. Maybe I was too tall, or too focused on my career. Maybe my breasts weren’t big enough, or my feet were too big. Ugh. I cuddled around the curve of Blue’s body and tried, without success, to fall asleep as peacefully as him.
Chapter Seven: Milo
Iscanned thetables at Coleman’s, looking for Fort’s dark hair and Devin’s blond crew cut. Our weekly Saturday night dinners had been scaled back to once a month, since my friends rarely attended The Gallery afterward anymore. I was okay with it, because Juliet and Ella made them happy. When I located the table, I noted that they both looked way more relaxed than I did.
“Hi,” I said, sliding into a chair. “What are you boys drinking?”
“A Saint-Emilion merlot,” said Dev. “Have some. It’s a spectacular vintage.”
I raised a hand and called to the waiter. “Can I get a scotch?”
My friends exchanged a look as Devin put down the wine bottle. “Things aren’t getting any easier, I see.”
“Not really.”
Alice had been living at my place for almost a month now, leaving her scent, beauty, and energy all over my apartment, her strands of light hair, her coffee cups and charging cables. Before, she’d been a distant fantasy. Now she was always close, and too real. Worse, she believed that I didn’t want her, when the truth was that Icouldn’twant her.
“It’s fucking frustrating,” I said, as our waiter deposited a neat scotch in front of me.
“I can see how it would be,” said Fort. “You’re living with a woman, while reaping none of the usual benefits.”
