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“You know, Milo, you could conceivably start a relationship with Alice andnottake her to The Gallery,” said Fort. “You could keep things mildly kinky at home, show her as much of your dark side as you felt comfortable with, and visit the club when you needed to let loose. Lots of Gallery people play outside their traditional relationships. As long as both partners are okay with it, no one gets hurt. Well, except in ways they like to get hurt.”
“Yeah, I considered something like that for about ten seconds. Here’s the shit thing.” I scowled, pushing my plate away. “I don’t want to play at The Gallery with someone else. I want to connect that way with her, and it’s so fucking wrong.”
“Why?” Dev frowned at me. “Who says it’s wrong? It’s an expression of your sexuality, and she may be on board with it. You don’t know, because you’re too chickenshit to explore the possibilities.”
“There are no possibilities.”
“For all you know, she’s a raging maso subslut who’s just waiting for you to reach out and choke her and cane her, and fuck her up the ass.”
“No.” My loud, sharp denial rung out in the restaurant, and Fort held up a hand, silencing both of us until the people at the other tables turned back to their food. “No,” I repeated more quietly, staring at Devin. “Even if she begged me for that, I couldn’t do it to her. That’s what you don’t understand.”
“That’s such a Dominant thing,” Devin said. “If I love her, why do I want to hurt her?”
“Hey, Dev,” said Fort, the peacemaker. “Maybe you should let it drop.”
My lips flattened and my hands made fists beside the table as I imagined hurting Alice, binding her, fucking her mouth and her ass, forcing her to service me. I wanted it, and I hated myself for wanting it.
Then I thought about sharing her per The Gallery’s rules, letting someone else do those things to her, and my mind shut down. “No,” I said for the third time, shaking my head. “Just no.”
“So you’re basically fucked,” said Devin, after an appropriate silence. “It’s going to be hard for you, living with her, pushing all that stuff down. Hey, I wonder if Ella’s apartment is still open, the one her science foundation provided before she moved in with me?”
“Hmm,” I said.
“Want me to ask her about it? It’s not that far from where Alice works.”
“It’s probably not available anymore.”
“I’ll text Ella.”
I put a hand over his before he could get out his phone. “No. Like I said, I don’t want her to feel pressured to leave. Anyway, she’s still processing what happened, so I think it’s better for her to be around someone who can look after her. It was a hard loss. Especially the violin. Let me get this,” I said, as the waiter brought the bill.
Neither one tried to stop me. I owed them, for acting like a jackass. We had our codes.
“It’s nice of you to make her a new Fierro,” Devin said. “Have you started it?”
“I’ve got the wood.” It was a relief to talk about something besides hurting Alice. “This violin has to be perfect, you know? I got all the wood pieces from Eastern Europe, which has the best quality and density. I’ve got a contact I trust.”
“She’s lucky,” said Fort. “I think she’s going to get a really special instrument.”
“I hope so. Anyway, thanks for meeting up tonight. I needed it. Sorry I behaved like a prick.”
“You’re always a prick with the scotch,” joked Devin. “No worries.”
“No, seriously, I’ll find my way through this. I don’t want to lose my closest friends in the process.”
“We’ve been through shit before,” said Fort. “Everything will turn out okay.”
I nodded, wishing I shared his positive outlook. Dev gave me a nudge. “So, not sure if this is a good time to ask, but are you going to The Gallery tonight?”
“Not sure. You guys?”
I knew even before they made their excuses that they probably weren’t going to go. In a weird way, I felt like I shouldn’t go because of Alice, even though she’d be at work for another hour, playing with the orchestra. Maybe she’d want to go to a movie afterward, something to take her mind off things. Maybe I could catch the end of her performance.
Maybe I should go to The Gallery to take care of my urges so I’m not fantasizing about her every time she walks by me.
“I might go,” I said. “I should go there and play hard with someone, and really work things out.”
“Lucky woman,” laughed Fort. “I can think of a few regulars who’d volunteer for the privilege of slaking your violent lusts.”
