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“I know.” I nodded, biting my tongue. “But maybe…”Maybe too much happened. Maybe this is a dangerous line we’re about to cross.
“You think I’m this innocent,” Alice said, keeping her voice light. “Even last night, I could see on your face that you thought you were being too mean to me.”
“I wasn’t being mean.”
“I know, it’s your sadism thing.”
“I wasn’t being mean,” I repeated, willing her to listen. “That violence is how I express passion. I get off on causing anxiety and pain, so a lot of the time, I’m too rough.”
“I didn’t stop you. If it was too much, I would have used the safe word. Honestly, when you were tying me up, I wanted to die from excitement. And what you did after… I mean, it hurt, but it felt good at the same time. It felt thrilling. Everything in my body was buzzing.”
I drained the rest of my coffee, giving up the argument for now. She had stars in her eyes. She wanted more, and it would be so easy for her to convince me to give her more.
“You know, there’s a BDSM club in this area that’s really popular. I saw it online. It’s called Underworld.”
Underworld? My God.
“Maybe we could go there together.” She ducked her head, my little innocent. “I mean, you’ve probably been there already.”
“I have.”
She looked delighted. I closed my eyes a moment, wondering how to tell her that I’d outgrown the play scenes at Underworld in my teens. For a moment, the crunching of her dry cereal was the only sound between us. I had to end this before her blush got any pinker, before she got any more excited about going to Underworld.
“I don’t want to disappoint you, because I love you so much, Alice, but we’re not doing any more BDSM together.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s too dangerous. I’m afraid you don’t really understand the sexual sadism thing.”
“I understand it fine.” She frowned, huffing out a breath. “We had such a great time last night. What am I missing? Am I crazy?”
“I told you last night that we weren’t going to go any further,” I reminded her.
“And then we did, because we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. What’s the deal? It seems like the more compatibility we find with each other, the more you shove me away.”
“Alice…I’m afraid you’re making yourself compatible because you want to promote this relationship between us that’s never going to work.”
“Why won’t it work?”
“Because I…I’m not good at relationships.” Maybe that was a way to put it that she’d actually understand. “And I don’t plan on getting married, ever, so I don’t want to lead you on.”
“I don’t care if we get married. Just because I babbled about it that one time…” She shrugged. “I don’t know if I want to get married either. Can’t we just have fun?”
“I’m not going to be your fuckbuddy. Jesus. I took advantage of your willingness last night when I shouldn’t have. What happened was a mistake, something I didn’t intend to do.”
Mistakewas probably a bad way to phrase it. It definitely upset her, but I was damned either way. If I agreed to keep playing with her, things would eventually become unmanageable. If I insisted on a platonic friendship, I probably wouldn’t have a friend.And if you’d controlled your fucking urges, jackass, you wouldn’t be in this situation.She pushed back her chair, the hurt I’d caused apparent on her features.
“You make me so angry.” She didn’t stamp her foot, but the voice was classic Lala, blunt, icy, and Nordic. “Friends can become lovers, you know. Friends can fall in love and have crazy, kinky sex, and everything can still be okay.”
She was driving me crazy. I wanted to slap her, or spank her, or read her the rules of The Gallery, and ask if she still believed everything would be okay.Any submissive brought into The Gallery shall be considered communal property and shared in any way her sponsor desires. The Gallery is a no-safe-word zone. The submissive’s limits will be determined by her sponsor.She didn’t understand that my idea of crazy, kinky sex was so much crazier and kinkier than anything she could dream up in her BDSM-beginner’s brain.
She didn’t understand how much I didnotwant to reveal that side of myself to her.
“It’s not okay for me to…be with you in that way,” I said. “For me, it’s not okay. Please try to understand.”
The earlier warmth between us, the embrace, the chaste kiss on the top of her head, it all seemed a million miles away. She was furious, and I was a jerk. The passion we’d experienced in our all-night lust explosion had become something negative, a point of contention. I hated that everything was ruined, that she wouldn’t be able to look back on our encounter together with any fond memories.
“I’m sorry,” I said, spreading my hands in apology. “I want us to stay friends, along with our families. I want to help you whenever I can, and make you that violin.”
