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“You leaving?”
“Yeah. I don’t think Jungle wants me here… not in the way I want to be here. See you around, Vegas.”
My heart was heavy as I got inside my car. He looked to be stunned. He didn’t say a word in response to what I said and just watched me back out of the driveway. By the time I made it to the Beltway, Jungle was calling me. I took a deep breath and answered through the Bluetooth. “Hello?”
“Why did you leave?”
“There was no sense in me staying in a room alone. I mean, Jungle, I accepted your friendship in hopes that we would have more. Maybe I should just cut my losses, huh?”
“C-Mar, for real? You done wit’ a nigga? That’s what you sayin’?”
“I’m saying that I’ll still be here if you need me. Thank you for everything you’ve done for us since we met. You’ve been the true definition of a friend. I just can’t handle being around you as much anymore. This is becoming unbearable for me. Okay? I need you to understand,” I said as my voice quivered.
I ended the call, refusing to let him hear me cry. I knew he hated me hanging up that way, but I couldn’t be this weak concerning him. Tonight was my last-ditch effort at trying to get to him. Maybe all the trauma I suffereddidaffect me. I hated being alone. Manman wasn’t exactly the type of company I needed. I didn’t want sex with just anyone either. I wanted Jungle. I felt a genuine attraction and connection to him.
My phone started ringing again, and when I saw it was Jungle, I couldn’t answer. I literally had to pull over and cry my eyes out. It was killing me to make this decision, but I knew I would go beyond desperation where he was concerned. He probably already saw me as being thirsty. Iwasthirsty, but only for him. I didn’t want anyone else. Well… it wasn’t like I’d been out and about to even meet anyone else.
Besides the few that flirted at work, I hadn’t met any men. The few I came in contact with didn’t compare to Jungle. He was the total package. I’d never forget his sensitivity the first night I was there. The way he held me told me that he needed what I had to offer and vice versa.
When I turned in the apartment complex, I remembered that Mama had put the chain on the door. I didn’t want to wake her up.Shit.I reclined my seat and tried to get comfortable enough to sleep, although I knew it would be a while before I fell asleep. My phone rang, and I saw it was Whitney. I silenced the call because I just didn’t feel like talking to anyone right now.
Right after, my phone chimed with a text message, so I picked it up to see a message from Jungle. I didn’t know if I wanted to read it or not, so I just sat here with the phone against my chest. However, I knew curiosity would kill me, so I pulled it in front of my face and opened it.
I’m sorry, C-Mar. I just can’t take things where you want them to go. I’m involved with somebody right now, and I promised Jericho that if I ever went there with you, it would be because I want something more. I thought we’d established a pretty decent friendship. I’m fucked up about losing that. Real shit. Please call me. Maybe we can talk this out.
I rolled my eyes only for tears to spring from them. He just didn’t understand. The only way this could be anything like it had been, was for us to be a couple. I was tired of settling for his friendship. I wanted more. Isaiah seemed to think that I had romanticized my abuse in order to endure it. I was starting to agree with him. I’d often close my eyes and pretend to be somewhere far away with someone else… a man I didn’t know.
Maybe that made me enjoy the moment instead of being sick to my stomach. Jules had been raping me for nearly fifteen years. I’d long stopped fighting him for something he was gonna get anyway. I’d gotten used to my romantic thoughts and truly wanted to experience them. It seemed life had other plans though.
Turning up the radio, I listened to Solange talk about crying shit away. I understood that song more in this moment than I ever had. I could never be happy just being Jungle’s friend. I’d be miserable watching him give another woman everything I knew I deserved.
CHAPTER3
JUNGLE
“Had he paid me my money instead of me having to harass his ass for it, he would be here to live another day. Fuck you and him for thinking my money wasn’t something y’all should be worried about. Just be glad you wasn’t at the shop last night, or you would have suffered the same fate. Get the fuck out of my face before you catch that shit anyway,” I said to one of my runners as I pulled my weapon.
Vegas and a couple other niggas had him surrounded, so his best bet was to just walk away before he couldn’t. I’d been in a bad mood for the past couple of days, and I needed to work out my frustration on somebody… whether that was fucking some good pussy or fucking a nigga up. Either one of those options would suffice.
Chelsea was being extreme. I missed her ass… even more than I thought I would. All that bullshit she talked about always being here was just that… bullshit. She’d agreed to be friends. That was all I was offering. When she rubbed her knee against my dick, I nearly fired off in my pants that easily. I had to go to my room and fucking regroup, only for her to be gone when I came out.
She wasn’t answering my calls or text messages, and that was wearing me thin. If that shit wasn’t bad enough, I’d gotten a money order in the mail this morning for three grand. I didn’t know where in the fuck she got that money from. I was insulted. If I wanted my money back, I would have let that be known from the beginning. I’d spent much more than that. She didn’t even know that I was the nigga paying the rent. I was more than sure she believed Jericho was doing that. However, I wasalsomore than sure this wouldn’t be the last money order I received.
I put it in my nightstand drawer. I started to tear that shit up, but it would be much easier to just cash it and give the money back to her at some point. As I watched Ray get the fuck out of dodge, Vegas said, “Let me holla at you.”
I stood from my desk at the warehouse and followed him outside. When we got there, he turned to me and said, “Chad was tryna get a hold of you to let you know you don’t have to look out for him tomorrow since he will be with Shy all day.”
“A’ight.”
“When you just gon’ go to the apartment or her job? You been in a fucked-up mood since Saturday night.”
“I’m not. She don’t wanna be bothered, so I’m gon’ let her be. Ain’t shit changed about what she wants. My wants haven’t changed either. That shit ain’t no longer good for her, so we done.”
“You love her?”
“Naw. I care about her though. You know I ain’t never had female friends… shit, friends, period. You family. I’d gotten used to her being around… all clingy and shit.”
“I know. I think she’s in love with you though.”
