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“Do you think he stands rather too close?” he asked.
She studied the pair, the way Becky’s laughing eyes shone up at the lieutenant’s. “She is enjoying his company.”
“Rather too much, I fear.”
“She will be wise.” She hoped.
“Will she? Her mother proved that she was not the best judge of character when it comes to men.”
“Yes, but she did not have the advantage of such wise old heads as yours and mine to advise her.”
“You do indeed have a wise head upon those shoulders, just as I mentioned a moment ago.”
His words released a gush of warmth within. So hehadmeant her. What was the word he’d used?
Remarkable.
Her heart seemed to fill with a hundred points of light, like a starry night in the coldest depths of winter. No man had ever expressed admiration for her before. Well, no man that she regarded highly had done so. And while her head still warned that she was most likely to have her heart broken if she dwelt too long on his words, she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to venture into the realm of romance.
For years it seemed as if her heart was numb, that she had not realized a darkness veiled the light of her heart and life. She had found a measure of purpose and contentment in her duty, in her quiet focus on her family and village life. And then this man appeared, and it was like the dawn had come. Now a path shimmered before her, filled with possibilities and a future oh so bright. She might have prayed to reconcile these feelings, but how could she ever quench this gnawing desperation? Oh, how shelongedfor her foolish dreams to come true. But simply longing for something was a lesson in destruction she knew by heart, romance being a far-flung star impossible to obtain. It was only a matter of time before the light faded and she tumbled back to the dirt of reality. Romance was not for her. Hadn’t the captain made it plain, time and again, he was wedded to his military career and had no plans for marriage or a family?
She inched away, telling herself firmly to guard her emotions. She’d been led by her feelings before and allowed herself to dream of things impossible. That man had laughed and mocked her stained cheek and her pretensions, then gone and married her sister. She could not trust her foolish heart again. She wouldnotfall like that again. She would find contentment again one day. She had to.
Chapter 20
The return of Mr. and Mrs. Riley brought the return of bickering and comments that were no doubt designed to bring unease, but which afforded Daniel an unhealthy amount of pleasure. Seraphina and her husband seemed not to know how to deal with him, questioning why he and his friend joined the rest of the family downstairs, which Daniel did not respond to, leaving that to the general who demanded to know what business it was of theirs to dictate where his guests might take their ease.
For himself, Daniel determined that his leg-propped presence would not intrude or impinge on any of Theodosia’s comfort, nor lead anyone to question his motives or hers, which was another reason it was good to be downstairs in more public spaces. The general had permitted Daniel’s use of a small bookroom, a space off the library, which allowed for a degree of privacy from those visitors who might drop in unannounced but also permitted opportunity for conversation. Indeed, the general had more than once enquired of Daniel and Musgrave whether they knew this soldier or that one and seemed glad to reminisce about his glory days of old.
Lieutenant Musgrave’s presence was proving equal parts pleasure and dismay. Daniel enjoyed having his friend with him, feeling at ease with someone who knew him and had experienced similar trials. But the man’s presence also brought a degree of concern. Might Musgrave’s garrulous nature bring other challenges, especially with the presence of young ladies, one of whom seemed happy to forget her matrimonial bonds as she nagged him to know more? Seraphina’s interest vexed Daniel more for what Musgrave might spill than concern that Musgrave would get emotionally entangled. No, it was his friend’s effect on the other two younger women with which he was irked. At times Musgrave seemed intent on charming Becky, young though she may be. At other times he sought out the company of Miss Stapleton, which proved more problematic.
Daniel already despised himself for the tentacles of envy that had appeared during that unnerving billiard-room encounter, when his friend had spent time far too close to Theodosia. He’d ground his teeth as the pair of them talked and laughed together. He was not proud of such emotions, for Musgrave’s tall, broad-shouldered good looks and handsome features had always appealed to the ladies in a way Daniel’s plain features never had. He should be reconciled to this by now. But recognizing he should be reconciled was different from actually feeling it, and led to more of those persistent questions about what he desired for himself and his own future.
Daniel studied Miss Stapleton now, as she and Musgrave helped Becky piece together a dissected map, the contents of which were spread liberally across the oak table in the library. The general was still abed with gout today, and Mrs. Stapleton used the drawing room to entertain her younger daughter. Where that daughter’s husband was now was something Daniel neither knew nor cared.
He must look like an old man with his leg propped out on the cushion of a small chair positioned near the fire, a book in his lap. The days remained cool and wet, and outside activities remained unpleasant, not that his injuries would permit him to do much anyway. So staying inside, like the aged uncle he truly was, had become his role.
Compared with the others here, hewasaged. And it was more than the number of his years or the injuries that had him buttressed here, wondering if he needed a blanket and nightcap to complete the picture. These past two days, ever since the time in the billiard room, he’d known a new sense of unease.
Not just from watching his friend engage in pretty nothings with his niece. Their time together, despite what he’d admitted to Theodosia, he was not overly concerned about. Becky was far too young to truly capture the lieutenant’s interest.
But it was what their mild flirtation represented that made him feel his age. Until he met Miss Stapleton, he’d never really engaged in the kind of witty exchanges these two did now. He’d enjoyed that, felt the spark of life within, a quickening of his pulse different from those moments before he faced cannon fire.
And yet, encounters with her felt every bit as filled with potential to destroy him, to destroy all he had known. Perhaps these were the ruminations of a sick man. Perhaps this was what happened when one had too much time to think and had hit one’s head. One started to question, to doubt, to wonder, to grow discontented with a chosen path in life.
Theodosia smiled at Musgrave, and Daniel felt another queer sensation cross his chest. How galling. Simply because he wished for her smiles didn’t mean he deserved them. For what was the point? He had a job to do, a role to fill. His life was hundreds of miles south, not here. He had nothing to offer a wife, no fancy home, no great income. And staying here, he could see just how accustomed she was to living in this great house, being the lady who near singlehandedly ran an estate such as this. He could offer nothing of great substance or means.
What could he offer, should the most ridiculous of his secret dreams be revealed? A small cottage in Wiltshire, the promise that he would be away for extended periods of time, the fair possibility that he might be maimed or killed. His lips twisted. How could that appeal?
And what alternative could there be? Become a farmer like Adam Edgerton? Perhaps work in a shop? He had little education beyond the basic, so he could not retrain to become a clergyman or legal clerk. And while he might have faith in God and a desire to see others walk in His ways, he did not want to learn and succumb to the rules and laws of the church, not when he’d spent years learning to submit elsewhere.
What else could he do?
Who else could he be?
The thought was almost frightening. For all his life, the army was all he’d wanted. Since his parents’ deaths, it was all he’d known. Some might call him courageous—although they might question that now—but he doubted whether he evencoulddare take that step sideways and forgo a future in the armed forces.
Who would he be without the known, without the rules and routines that had served him so well for two decades?
