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“That’s sad,” Alice says, tucking a stray piece of hair behind one ear.
I follow the motion, unable to form a coherent thought.
It’s been too long.
I realize that I miss the touch of skin on mine, the way a woman’s body feels underneath my hands. I didn’t have to worry about it with Vicky as Ivy’s nanny—there was no attraction to someone old enough to be my mother or grandmother. But Alice, she’s beautiful and kind, and her lips look like something I could get addicted to. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts right now. Or ever.
“Sure, call it sad, but he wouldn’t believe her when she said she wanted to be with me. He always thought she would end up with him. When she didn’t, he blamed me, tried to get me kicked off the football team—”
“You played football?” Alice asks.
I grin. “Yeah, I was pretty good.”
“So humble,” she quips back.
I laugh. She bites her bottom lip in an effort not to join me, but her eyes sparkle, letting me know she thinks it’s funny too. It’s not supposed to be like this, is it? So easy and carefree. She’s taken something that has always caused me pain to talk about and made me laugh in the middle of it.
“Always.”
“How did he try to get you kicked off the team?”
“The age-old story of planting drugs in my gym bag. I had to take a drug test showing that I wasn’t on anything. I went through that whole ordeal and then had to prove my innocence that the drugs weren’t mine. Eventually, they cleared me—thankfully—and continued to let me play. It would have ruined my chances of going to medical school if the charges had stuck.”
“I’m so glad they didn’t,” Alice murmurs, and I nod.
“It only made him more furious when I got off scot-free, in his opinion. He started smear campaigns against me, spreading rumors throughout the school. But this was senior year, and we were almost done. But his plan to take me down ensured that Jane stopped being his friend, which only made it worse. Back then, he hated me, and I guess, now, he’s trying to rub what he deems his successful life in my face. But he doesn’t see what we do—that he looks crazy. Then and now.”
“Young love can feel so monumental when you are in the midst of it,” Alice says, a slight frown on her face, making the spot between her eyebrows crease. I want to take my finger and smooth it out.
“Yeah, I guess that’s what happened to me too.”
“You loved Jane?”
“In the worst way possible,” I admit. “I don’t think I’ve ever said that before.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“She became my everything. The reason why I got up every day. Why I kept pushing through medical school, grueling work hours, infinite internships and residencies and jobs to keep us on our feet. She was my driving force, but no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. Jane always wanted more of my time or a bigger house. She wanted name-brand clothes and to live the high life with extravagant trips. Things I couldn’t provide then.”
“Love is blind,” she says.
I nod, really wishing for something stronger to drink now. I feel like my heart might burst from my chest. I absently reach up and rub a circle across my pecs. “Yeah, something like that.”
Alice sips on her wine while I stare out over the pool. The sun is starting to lower. It’s not quite evening, but it’s making the water sparkle. It’s mesmerizing, but at the same time, I’m very aware of the woman at my side. The way she uncrosses her ankles to re-cross them the other way. The way she takes a drink and then lowers the glass, trailing one finger over the rim every so often. I wish I knew what she was thinking, but I don’t know why. I’ve never really cared before. Well, after Jane, I haven’t cared to get to know a woman … intimately.
“We weren’t expecting Ivy,” I say suddenly.
Alice glances over at me. I don’t know why I continue to talk. It’s like now that she’s opened this can of worms, I can’t stop thinking about it; it’s consuming me right now as we sit here in the summer air.
“Neither of you?”
“No. I was up to my eyeballs in school and work, and Jane never wanted children.”
“Did you want children?”
“That’s hard to know now that I have Ivy. Back then, it wasn’t even on my radar. I think I would have eventually wanted a family, but it happened sooner than I’d expected. Back to that whole love is blind thing, I completely missed how incompatible Jane and I were. We didn’t ask the hard questions, and by the time we married, it didn’t matter. It was done at that point. But I think it was hard for her to handle—the sudden shift in our life. It wasn’t what she’d envisioned for herself, and ultimately, she picked her own wants and needs over me and Ivy. She left, never looking back, and I didn’t really get answers beyond a signature on divorce papers and termination of parental rights.”
“Just like that?” Alice gasps.
