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Cecilia
Opening my bathroom cabinet, I snatched the different prescribed bottles off the shelf and swallowed my happy pills. That’s what I call them in front of Sani and Raya. Pills that make mamma feel better when all they really do is make me numb. Numb to the intensity of my emotions that suffocate me on a daily basis. If I even miss one round, I am plunged into a world of stifling multi-tones and walls that close in around me. Rooms feel smaller, life feels heavier and my thoughts are unbearable. A mix of bipolar, depression and PTSD is what the doctor diagnosed. I have been bipolar all my life apparently, but I was just handling it well. Masking it until my mind and body were hit with the trauma of that night. The night I lost my Vinny. After that, I stopped trying. I let whatever I felt, whenever I felt it, consume me. Those six months after his death, I know I was unrecognisable to my children. And Gio carried the burden of it. He tried his best to keep it from the others. The self-inflicting pain and demise of their mother. I have always blamed Salvatore for not allowing him to grieve for the death of Vinny by forcing him into his responsibilities so quickly, but I am just as much to blame. I was absent for those six months. A hollow vessel filled with only grief, self-loathing and intense depression. He didn’t have time to grieve when he had me to deal with. To watch over me like a hawk. And he is still doing it now.
The day he found me trying to take my own life in the bath was the day it all came crashing down. Seeing my eldest son’s helpless and haunted face as he pulled me up out of the water is a horrific memory I can never erase. He knew I was trying to end it and I no longer had the energy to deny it. I cried and fell apart in his arms as he cradled me to his chest and rocked me like a mother should their child. Not the other way around. That was the turning point. He booked me into the best rehab facility in Italy and I agreed to start trying again. Raya was only two. Sani was four. Elle had just started university. I couldn’t leave them no matter how much I wanted to. So every day, I get up. I take my happy pills. And I plaster on a smile. For them.
Closing the mirrored cabinet door, I stared at my reflection. I no longer connected with this woman. I felt like an imposter in her body. Someone who was solely here for the purpose of others. Every day was a battle and today was going to be one full of bloodshed. Because tonight, I will have to play the part. The Mafia Widow who holds her own. We were hosting a rival family, the Aianis. They were not technically our rivals as we have established a good relationship through business, but in this line of work, everyone is your enemy. That is just the mentality we have to have. Never trust anyone unless they are family. Family first. That is the Buccini motto.
Brushing down my Stella McCartney dress, I braced myself for the day ahead. I liked these events as much as I liked Salvatore Buccini. Not at all. But it was still my duty. To be present. To sit with the wives and chat pleasantly. As Salvatore, the sleaze, has never married, the role still falls to me. Oh, how I wish that man would just find some pretty little thing off the streets to warm his bed and give him an heir. This was not the life I wanted for my son. Yet, Salvatore seemed set on making it his business.
Strutting out of my wing towards the children, I forced an air of fake confidence and contentment to waft from me like the grace of a butterfly in flight. I had perfected it by now and not many knew that I was screaming inside. Knocking once on the education room door, I opened it to see Olivia and my youngest children sitting on the floor doing a jigsaw and ordering the alphabet. I smiled as they all looked up. The difference in my children since Olivia had started teaching them was phenomenal. They were happy. Genuinely happy. And they were enjoying whatever it was she was doing with them so much that I had barely seen them set foot in that games room during the day.
“Good morning my darlings,” I cooed as I strolled towards them. “Olivia, could you meet me in my office in ten minutes please? Marco can watch the children. We won’t be long.”
She nodded at me briefly with a small smile that didn't reach her eyes. She found me intimidating. That much was obvious. Kissing my children goodbye, I made my way down to my little haven of an office. I loved it here and often redesigned it on a monthly basis to suit my mood. I currently have a new mood board up on a large stand in the corner of the room. I am thinking of a tropical theme next. Large plants, greens, creams and beiges. Calming.
A gentle knock came and Olivia’s pretty face poked around the door. I smiled widely and flapped my hand for her to enter and take a seat on my white leather sofa by the bookcase. Smoothing my silk dress behind my legs, I perched on the seat next to her. She glanced around the room nervously before her bright, unique eyes fell on my face. She really did have such beautiful eyes. They reminded me of a cat. Piercing and hypnotic with earthy tones. Cats were my favourite animals.
“Thank you for coming. I have a favour to ask of you my dear.” Her face remained blank but she gave me a small nod. “Giovanni will be hosting an evening event tonight for some business associates here at the house. In the onsite club. I am obliged to attend as well, so I was wondering if you would be able to stay over for the night with the children?”
Her beautifully shaped eyebrows pulled into the bridge of her nose and her lips pouted. “Why would I need to stay?”
I loved her boldness. It was the first thing that made me realise she was perfect for Giovanni. No matter how much a situation intimidated her, she would always speak her mind and stand her ground. I smiled as I replied, “Sani and Raya are not used to lots of people in our home. They might be quite unsettled and if they wake up in the night, I would like to know that they have someone they trust there to comfort them.”
She nodded her head slowly, understanding my point, but she still looked conflicted. “I understand Mrs Buccini, but I am really sorry. I already have plans this evening.”
My smile fell and I sighed. “Please. Call me Cecilia. Oh, that is difficult. Are they plans you cannot get out of?” I prodded. I was also a woman who stood her ground.
She hesitated and shuffled uncomfortably on her bum. Her reaction piqued my interest. “Well. Actually, it’s a date,” she mumbled, playing with the elastic hair band on her wrist. My eyebrows raised in surprise. A date? Well, that would not do!
Pretending to be extremely delighted and supportive, I gave her a cheeky look. “Oh, a date! You have a boyfriend? I hadn’t realised.”
“No. No I don’t. It's just a first date...with a friend. Actually, I am not even sure about it. My roommate kind of set it up and I... sorry I am rambling. Um. I can probably rearrange it. If it is really important to you that I be here.”
Thank God. A first date. This could work in my favour. Nothing will kick Giovanni up the arse like him knowing someone else is interested in his little temptation. “Well, it is very important for the children’s sake, Olivia, but I also don’t want to make you change your plans if you are really looking forward to your date. That is important too,” I soothed, placing my hand on her arm.
“No. It’s okay. I will just see if he can do it another night. It’s not a problem,” she smiled back at me and I nodded.
“Well, thank you. That is very kind and, of course, we will pay you overtime for staying the night. I will get Lucinda to set up another bed in Raya’s room for you. I really appreciate it, Olivia. Truly.” She stood up with a polite smile.
“It’s fine. I will just go and text my date now and get back to the children.” She walked out of my office and I crossed my arms over my chest. This changed things. Now I was going to have to start meddling in my son’s love life because he is clearly messing it up!
Climbing the stairs to the top floor of our elegant mansion, I didn't bother knocking as I walked straight into his office. He was signing some papers and had one of his Capo’s on the loudspeaker. It sounded like Leo, our Capo of Venice. He was saying something about the hit being ready to go and everything in place. Gio glanced up at me with an irritated expression at my sudden intrusion but pointed to a chair for me to sit all the same. Instead, I walked around the room and glanced at the bare shelves that only held a few crime novels, the history of Mala Del Brenta and one photograph of our whole family. Vinny stood in the centre of it proudly. It was taken a year before his death. Raya was just a baby in my arms. My chest tightened as I swallowed down my emotions. Placing the frame back down, I turned and took in the doom and gloom of this room. Just being in here felt like it was sucking all the life out of me. Why Gio chose this decor I will never understand. It was gothic chic apparently. Very on trend according to my interior designer, but I just couldn’t get onboard.
Gio finished up the phone call and hung up, leaning back in his black leather office chair. Underneath the smart, designer suit and neatly styled hair, he wasn’t fooling me. He looked like shit. He hadn’t slept and I could tell he was already in an unpleasant mood. Well, this might just push him over the edge.
“Mamma, you need something?” he asked as he went back to signing whatever papers had been thrust into his lap by Salvatore. That was the job of the underboss. To do whatever the boss didn’t want to do.
“No, I am good,” I gave him my most persuasive smile so he didn’t worry and noticed his shoulders relaxed a little. “I just spoke to Olivia about tonight.” I studied his face and body for any reaction but he kept his eyes fixed on the paperwork and continued to scribble at the bottom of the page.
“Hmmhm,” he hummed and I rolled my eyes.
“She said she couldn’t stay tonight,” I said nonchalantly as I ran my finger down the spine of one of his display books.
His head snapped up to me and his pen paused on the paper. “Why not?” His voice was calm and even, but his eyes gave away his intrigue. His eyes always gave him away. They were just like his fathers. Windows into his soul.
I shrugged my shoulders, “She has a date or something.” I allowed my eyes to flicker over to him to judge his reaction. His face stayed expressionless but his hand gripped so tightly around his pen that I could see the whitened knuckles under his skin.
“A date with who? A man?”
