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“Are you okay?”
I nod, but another wave of nausea rolls over me, and I know I’m definitely not. I barely have the grace to set the plate aside without spilling the contents before I’m up on my feet and running to the nearest bathroom, where I proceed to puke my guts out.
I’m clinging to the toilet seat, my head a sweaty mess when I hear Solana’s voice behind me.
“Oh, God,” she chokes out. “The ginger tea…”
I blink up at her, too weak to deny my current reality.
“You have to swear you won’t tell anyone,” I beg. “Not even Georgie. Not yet, okay?”
Her eyes go wide, and she looks like she might be sick too. “Does Judge… I mean… are you sure?”
“Pretty sure.” I whimper as another wave of nausea steals my breath. “But I’ll need you to bring me a test this week and then take it away when you leave again.”
She looks at me uncertainly. “Shouldn’t you see a doctor?”
“I can’t.” I shake my head. “I just need some time.”
“Okay,” she whispers. “I’ll do it. I’ll figure something out.”
“Thank you.” I squeeze my eyes shut and focus on breathing. “It turns out I might need that tea after all.”
17
Judge
I am divided.
Ever since Vivien’s party and our fight, I’ve spent my days at the office only coming home to sleep and often not even that. The couch in my office is doubling as a makeshift bed.
It feels as though Mercedes and I are on repeat. Reliving the same hell over and over again. Sexually, I’ve never been as attracted to a woman as I am her. And attraction doesn’t begin to cover it. She has this strange power over me. Something I can’t seem to resist. And the things I do when I’m with her or near her—it’s like all these years I’ve worked so hard to maintain control, to be the man everyone knows, they just go out the window.
I care about her, but it’s not that simple. Nothing is with her. My feelings for her run deeper than simply caring for the sister of my best friend. These are feelings I should not have. I want her in ways I cannot want her.
Because every time I touch her, I lose a little more of myself to the darkness inside me. I should give her up, but I can’t. The thought of another man touching her, having her, brings about a violence inside me that burns so fucking hot its ferociousness scares even me.
We are what we are, all of us. No matter how we try to hide beneath what we show the world. And maybe it’s just a matter of time until we give in to the depravity of our true selves.
I arrive home in the afternoon on the day Mercedes is having her friends over for high tea. I wasn’t planning to return to the house, but Ezra called and insisted it was time to visit with my brother, and I decided perhaps I should go. I will need to deal with him at some point, and now is as good a time as any. So I’ve come to pack. At least I can use the excuse that she’ll be busy with her friends to not see her. It’s cowardice, I know, but I can’t trust myself around her.
I enter through the back door, greet Lois briefly in the kitchen, and let her know I’ll be out of town for the next two nights.
“You should say hello to Mercedes and her friends. They’re having tea. That way, you can let her know so she’s not disappointed.”
I make a point of checking the time. “I’ll miss my flight.”
“Judge—”
“She won’t be disappointed, Lois. She’ll be happy.”
“If you say so, Judge.” She returns to the work of preparing finger sandwiches.
I don’t overthink it. Instead, I walk quickly past the room they’re in, ignoring their laughter, and head upstairs to my bedroom, where I take a small bag out of my closet and set it on the bed, which hasn’t yet been made since Mercedes is sleeping in longer these days. I begin the task of packing the things I need. I’m just zipping the duffel when I see Mercedes’s phone tossed on the bed.
I have her phone linked to mine so I can see all the text messages she sends as well as know the numbers she dials. So far, it’s only been Georgie, Solana, and Santiago, and there’s nothing out of the ordinary. I’m about to set the phone on top of the nightstand so it doesn’t get lost in the mess of blankets when my thumb brushes the screen. There is no password. That was a requirement when I gave her this. And when I touch it, it lights up, and I see a message she is in the process of writing.
I really had a lovely time dancing with you at Vivien’s party. I’d love to see you again at the next dinner. Perhaps we can talk without interruption then. There is something I’d like to discuss but
