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I sigh. She won’t understand. She can’t. “I don’t want to see you hurt, and he will hurt you.”
“You’re impossible. Your demands are impossible!”
“Enough!” She winces as if physically struck. “You’ll do as I say, or you’ll face the consequences. Am I clear?”
“Yeah, you’re fucking clear as mud.”
I open my mouth but close it again and walk out the door, leaving her staring after me. Being exactly the jerk she accused me of being.
29
Mercedes
Even though I’m not hungry, I eat a quick breakfast with Lois and trudge back to my room. A part of me wants to disobey Judge just to spite him, but the other part of me is too exhausted to put up a fight right now. I didn’t sleep at all last night, and after everything that happened this morning, I can barely keep my eyes open.
Everything hurts, and my throat is so scratchy I don’t want to talk to anyone. I need to rest. And then I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I always do this. I always swear I’m not going to forgive the people who hurt me. I’m not going to give them the opportunity to keep hurting me. But that’s all I know, isn’t it? Chaos and pain are the closest thing to love I’ve ever felt. It’s what my father taught me. It’s what my brothers taught me. And now, here I am, hating myself for letting Judge do the same to me.
I shouldn’t have wanted him to touch me this morning. I should have held on to my anger. But the second he showed even a sliver of regret, a will to comfort me for even a moment, I clung to it like the life raft I so desperately needed.
I’m lonely. So fucking lonely. My heart is fragile, and it pains me to admit I need those glimpses of comfort from him, however fleeting they may be. Because for all his showmanship, his insistence that this fire between us can’t be stoked, he can’t hide the truth in his eyes. He doesn’t just want this. He needs it as much as I do.
But it doesn’t change anything. The lines have been drawn. I’ve humiliated myself trying to get his attention. I’ve offered my body to him on a silver platter, and I’ve done everything short of begging. Enough is enough. After this morning, there can be no question in my mind about where he stands.
He will use me, and then he will leave me cold. I need to have more respect for myself than that. I’ll show him I’m worth more than that, whether he believes it or not.
Those are the thoughts waging war in my mind as I fall into a fitful sleep. When I wake again, it’s far too soon, but the sight of Miriam lurking at the end of my bed drags me back to an abrupt consciousness as any dark cloud would.
“What are you doing in here?” I glare at her.
“Just bringing your riding gear.” She smiles far too sweetly as she sets the laundry on the tufted bench.
“Why?” I study her skeptically.
She shrugs. “Judge said you might want to get some fresh air this afternoon.”
Two conflicting thoughts enter my mind. The first is that Judge is thinking about me while he’s at work, and the second is, why the hell is Miriam still standing here? Can I trust that what she’s telling me is even true? But then again, why would she lie about something so stupid?
“Okay, you can go now.” I shoo her away with my hands. “I don’t need you to supervise.”
“I’ve been instructed to tell you to be back by five o’clock if you go.”
“Duly noted.” I drag myself upright and breathe a sigh of relief when she finally turns and leaves. That woman gives me the creeps.
I’m still painfully sore and not entirely certain riding is even a good idea, but after I splash some cold water on my face and brush my teeth, I figure some fresh air might help get me out of this funk. I can take Temperance out today and go slow.
Every muscle in my body aches as I dress and force my bandaged feet into the riding boots. But even so, I have to admit they are beautiful. Judge has good taste.
Downstairs, Lois catches me before I walk out the door and asks me if I’d like some lunch. I decline the offer but tell her I will take the hounds for some exercise too. She smiles at the idea and calls them to the entrance to meet me. After a few moments of eager greetings, they join me on my walk to the stables.
Paolo is nowhere to be seen, thank God, because I don’t think I could even look him in the eyes after this morning. But as I retrieve Temperance from her stall and begin to dress her, the hounds alert me to someone’s presence with their barks.
I turn around, dreading an encounter with Paolo, but to my relief, it’s another familiar face. Theron is leaning down to greet the dogs, his smile wide and easy.
“Miss me, boys?” He chuckles.
“I’d say so.” I laugh as they nearly knock him over in their excitement.
