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He opened his mouth, but found he didn’t know what to say. Did he mention the hallucinations? No, better to keep that to himself.
Finally, Dr. Firestone spoke again, her eyes kind. “I’m sorry to hear about the possible discovery of Darcy’s remains.”
His heart nose-dived into his stomach, but he tried to shrug it off like it was no big deal. “I’m glad she was finally found.”
“Are you worried about the sheriff’s investigation?”
“I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Okay, that’s okay.” Dr. Firestone shifted gears smoothly. “Why don’t you tell us about your injury?”
“The fire? There’s nothing to tell.”
“No. Your TBI. I don’t think you’ve ever told us how it happened.”
His chest constricted as he glanced around at the group. “I’m sure I have.”
“Nah,” Zak said. “At least, not since I joined.”
Pierce shook his head.
“Yeah, I haven’t heard it,” Sawyer agreed.
“Your turn,” Veronica said with a mean sort of glee in her dark eyes. “You forced me to tell my story. You’re not getting away without telling yours.”
He rubbed his palms on his jeans. Panic, his old friend, wrapped its arms around his chest and squeezed. He wasn’t ready to talk about it. He’d never been ready to talk about it with anyone. But he’d been coming to these meetings for years, and he owed them something. They’d all shared their stories, they’d all bared their souls to one another. It was only fair that he did the same.
Donovan took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment before he began. “We were supposed to sweep and clear an insurgent hideout. Routine shit, or so we thought.” Suddenly restless, he popped to his feet and ran a hand over his buzzed hair. “But then I found that fucking door. It was booby-trapped, like always. No big deal. I had disarmed hundreds of those things before. But this one was different. This one had something else, something I didn’t see until it was too late. A secondary device.”
The memory plowed into him like a train, sending him right back to those mountains. He swore he felt the ground shake under his feet again. He could taste the dust in his mouth, could hear the screams of his men. The coppery scent of blood and the acrid scent of fuel mixed in an overpowering stench that he could still smell. It was forever branded into his nose.
Dr. Firestone’s voice was soft, coaxing. “What happened, Donovan?”
“It exploded.” The words came out strangled and he cleared his throat as he sank back to his seat. “I don’t remember much after that. Just bits and pieces. There was a lot of smoke, and it was hot. I remember feeling like I was on fire. And having just been on fire, I can confirm it still sucks.”
Zak winced. “Not funny, Van.”
“Too soon,” Sawyer agreed.
“Go on,” Dr. Firestone prompted. “What happened next?”
Tears prickled at the back of his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He was a Marine, dammit. Marines didn’t cry. “I don’t know. I was... I was thrown. Like I said, I don’t remember much. Just pain then...nothing. We never knew what kind of explosive they used in that second device, but it was powerful. It killed two guys on my team and left me with my brain scrambled.”
He didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but the group was silent, waiting for him to continue.
Several seconds ticked by and he couldn’t stand silence. His ears always started ringing again when a room was too quiet, so he filled it with more words: “Ammonium nitrate is a common explosive used by insurgents. It’s odorless, which is why it’s so hard to detect. They mix it with other explosive materials to make it even more deadly. I smelled kerosene right before, so maybe that’s what it was. Ammonium Nitrate Fuel Oil. Just good old ANFO. The tried and true method to get rid of pesky American infidels. Or it could’ve been—”
“Donovan,” Dr. Firestone interrupted gently. “Do you blame yourself for missing the second device?”
Donovan’s head snapped up, and he stared at her for a long moment before he answered, his voice hoarse. “Every goddamn day.”
“You know it’s not your fault, right?” Pierce signed.
He scowled at the guy. “I should have seen it, but I didn’t. And because I didn’t, I failed my team, killed two men, and fucked up my head so badly I’m seeing my dead ex-girlfriend in the corner of this fucking room.” He stared at her. Darcy smirked and wiggled her fingers at him.
Everyone else turned to look at the corner, then looked at each other in shock.
But not Dr. Firestone. She nodded as if she had expected that answer. “It’s okay to feel guilty, Donovan. It’s a normal reaction to a traumatic event. And hallucinations are a common symptom of TBI, especially when you’re under stress. And you’re under a tremendous amount of stress right now, on top of suffering another concussion. But it’s important to remember that what happened in Afghanistan wasn’t your fault.”
