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“Answer me, Hurian.”
I clench my jaw and stare at him for a moment before nodding. “Yes, I haven’t eaten much; it’s been more of a nuisance lately.” I sigh and sink onto the hut's wall, looking at Ur.
He joins me, sitting against the outside of the hut as I look at the window. He catches the panic in my eyes and tips his head to look at me reassuringly.
“They’re going to the pond; it’s okay. They won’t be back for a while,” he says gently.
I exhale in relief as I look at the ground and shake my head. “I’m not sleeping, Ur.”
“I can tell,” he responds as he looks at me. “Hurian.”
I look up at him, embarrassed that he’s seeing me like this. Come to think of it, maybe I’ve been avoiding the compound not only because I don’t want Dana to see me, but perhaps I don’t wantanyoneto see me.
“Just talk to her,” Ur continues. “Apologize to her. Your pride is killing you, literally.”
I grab onto my hair and rub my hands over my face. “I can’t!” I exclaim.
“She is pregnant with yourchild,”Ur emphasizes. “You’re not eating, not sleeping…” He begins counting on his fingers. “Isolating, and you’re spying on her. I hate to break this to you, Hurian, but you love the girl. People who don’t care about someone don’t have this kind of fallout when they lose them.”
“Even if I do, that doesn’t matter. I can’t be in love with someone.” I tell him quietly.
“What are you talking about?” he chuckles. “You sound insane.”
“People get hurt when I love them, Ur.”
“What are you talking about?”
I sigh and look at the sky. I swore I would never speak of this again, but I’d already broken a few of my promises when I slept with Dana. I look at Ur and see him curiously staring at me. My heart begins to race as I think of how my old clan betrayed me. I don’t believe Ur would do such a thing, but I still find it hard to trust anyone after what happened to Flora.
“I was in love once before.” I cave, sighing and avoiding Ur’s gaze. “Her name was Flora. She was my everything. I never found out why or who did it, but someone in my clan murdered her.” My eyes begin to water, and I try to keep my voice from cracking. “If I hadn’t loved her if I protected her more, if I hadn’t been so selfish…” I punch the ground, and the tears spill out onto my face. “She would still be here. A woman died because I loved her, Ur. How can I put Dana in the same kind of danger? Isn’t that more selfish than leaving her alone?”
Ur remains silent for a moment as I weep into my hands. The tears don’t only come from the memory of Flora’s murder. Mostly, they come from knowing I could have had a different life with Dana if I hadn’t acted so coldly.
“Hurian,” he begins gently as he pats my back. “Your love isn’t what killed Flora. Disgusting, vicious members of your old clan did. Your love for her…” His voice trails off, and I look at him as I wipe the tears from my face. “Is what gave her life. Isn’t that what hers did for you?”I nod in response, and he continues.
“Right, so why wouldn’t your love for Dana give her the same feeling? You know me, Hurian, I would murder anyone that tried to hurt Bonnie, but no one at Burning Sun would ever do that. You know that.”
“I do,” I respond with a sigh. “But is it worth the risk?”
“Look at you, Hurian. You’re underweight, not sleeping, and spying on Dana. Would you want Flora to see you like this?”
I pause, thinking that I’ve never considered that. “Of course not.”
“Right. She wouldn’t want you to suffer like this. How long have you beat yourself up for this?”
“Years.”
“So Flora’s watched over you as you hate yourself for years now. You can never change what happened, and you can’t control the future; none of us can. Don’t you think it’s time to let go of that unwarranted blame? Don’t you think she would want you to? ”
I smile sadly and shake my head. “Even if I did, what would I do? Dana hates me; she wants nothing to do with me.”
“Maybe right now she does, yes…” He looks at me with sympathy. “But you’re the father of her child. Look…” He stands and offers me his hand. I take it, and he helps me up. “If you want to repent because of this guilt, which you shouldnotbe feeling, why don’t you make sure Dana and your baby are happy for the rest of their lives? Give to them that feeling Flora gave you.”
I dust myself off and exhale, relaxing my muscles. Ur is right, I’ve been locking myself away in a dungeon of pain for years, and I’ve been dragging others with me unknowingly. I pulled Dana into my pain, thinking I was saving her.
He’s also right about Flora; she always used to tell me not to beat myself up, that I was too hard on myself. I imagine she would say the same now, and I can’t hold onto the event anymore. Beautiful things are happening around me, like Dana collecting her herbs and being pregnant with our child.
I sigh again and look at Ur. “You’re right. I’ll talk to her.” I pause, and he nods his head. “But what if she never forgives me?”
