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“It’s different,” he spits out. “My family didn’t want me to marry your mother at first because she was previously divorced and already had a child with another man. You are trying to have a relationship with your own uncle.”
“Except he isn’t my uncle. I didn’t even grow up with him in my life. Theo has always been more of a friend to me than anything else. Then our relationship changed into something more. Something neither of us planned.”
“I can’t accept it,” he whispers, turning his chair fully around in my direction.
“Then I guess you can’t accept me then. I’ll be grabbing my things and staying with Zane until I find a place of my own. Who wants to be around a man who’s so focused on labels and pleasing other people that he doesn’t care if he sabotages his brother’s and stepson’s happiness?”
The silence deepens between us and I have to leave the house in order to breathe again. I rush over to Theo’s house, my heart breaking when he won’t open the door and my spare key won’t work because he’s locked the dead bolt. Snatching my phone from my pocket, I call him and he doesn’t answer. It isn’t until I text him that he finally responds, and his words threaten to rip my heart out of my chest.
Theo: I’m sorry, Finn. I really am. You need to go home and stay there from now on. I can’t do this anymore with you. I’m sorry.
I kick at one of the bushes next to his porch. I don’t want his fucking apologies. I only want him. With tears streaming down my face, I knock on his door again, pleading with him not to turn his back on me. Not right now.
“You’re supposed to be mine and I’m supposed to be yours, remember?” I say, before finally leaving the porch, my body hunching over as I head for my car. I sit in the driver’s side for what feels like hours before finally pulling out of the driveway and going to Zane’s. Theo might not be my safe place to run to anymore, but I’ll never stop being his.
****
Burying myself under the covers, I ignore Zane’s plea for me to get up and dressed for school. I don’t want to go today. Maybe I’m done going. My heart is too heavy for me to move from where I am, causing a radiating ache in my bones. I feel as if I get off this couch, I’ll forget how to move and the ground will swallow me whole. Would it be so bad if it did?
“Please, Finn. It’s been three days.”
Yes, three days, and not a single message or call from Theo. I didn’t realize I’d miss him saying the word sorry so much. I’d do anything to hear him say anything again if it meant we were in the same room.
“Finn. We are so close to summer. You can’t mess up now. You have to take your exams.”
I stay quiet, biting down hard on my tongue to feel any other kind of pain than what I’ve been experiencing in the last few days. Why does it hurt so damn much? He was so worried about me leaving him and changing my mind when he ended up being the one who ended things. I tried so hard to assure him I would never hurt him, and in return I’m the one who got his heart ripped out of his chest. I was once numb to all this. I spent my other relationships unable to reciprocate the lust and want of my partners. No pain ever came when they walked away first.
Why did he have to go and make me feel so much? If being the one to fall saves him, then I guess it’s better it happened to me instead.
“Fine,” Zane says, puffing out a breath of frustration. “At least take a damn shower. You smell fucking awful.”
Normally I’d laugh but I’ve forgotten how to do anything else other than stare into space and sleep. I don’t move until the front door opens and closes. Tossing the covers off me, I walk to the bathroom, hoping the burning water will be enough to wake something up inside of me. Eating doesn’t help and all sleep does is tire me more. Maybe the water will be enough to wash away the sadness from me. If only for a little while.
Closing my eyes, I step under the hot water, picturing Theo’s face from when we danced at the Lake Tahoe resort underneath the shining lights and disco ball. He held on to me so tightly, I didn’t think he’d ever let go. Until he finally did.
Eighteen
Theo
A loud knock has me rushing toward the door, hope quickly dying when I pull it open and the wrong person is standing on the other side.
“Oh good, you’re home.” Lydia offers me an unconvincing smile, tugging her jacket tighter.
“Yeah. Is everything okay?”
Sadness fills her eyes and she looks to her feet. “Finn hasn’t answered any of my phone calls. Have you heard from him?”
My chest tightens and my breaths come out strangled. “No.” He isn’t responding to me either. I told him to go away five days ago and he did. I’ve regretted it every night since, tossing and turning in bed, the nightmares stronger than ever. Each knock at my door has let me down lately. I undid the deadbolt the night he took off, hoping I’d wake up to someone cooking in my kitchen or disrupting my shower. It never happened.
“Benjamin said Finn was staying with Zane, and when I called I was told he left two days ago.”
Dread fills me and I widen my eyes to keep the tears from pouring out. “He… This is my doing, isn’t it? I ended things on the day we returned and by the time I finally opened the door to take it back, he was gone.” It was stupid. I panicked. “When Benjamin came to my house, calling me all these names, I thought maybe he was right.”
She reaches for my arm, her fingers warm and comforting in a different way than Finn’s are. Gah, what have I done? I made him promise he really wanted me. Had him convince me he’d never leave, and what did I do? I forced him to walk away. “Oh, Theo. Your brother was speaking out of anger, you know that. I’m not saying he was right because he wasn’t, but your family really knows how to get in his head.”
“Yeah. They all hate me too right now.” They turned their back on me and I punished the wrong person for it. Finn came to be here for me and I didn’t let him. I was so scared…of I don’t even know anymore. My thoughts got tangled in my head, and I forgot what was right and went the wrong way.
Disgusting. Perverted. Shameful.
