Page 64 of His Ring Is Not Enough

“I would think not,” he said, his voice hard.

“I didn’t know you. I didn’t know you’d been raised in a drug house and brothel. I didn’t know you felt like you were a monster, that you kept so much of yourself in chains. I didn’t know you lost your virginity to a prostitute. That you’d run from a certain position of power and wealth into nothing to save the life of a girl. To save your own soul. I didn’t know you hadn’t touched a woman for eighteen years for fear you might relinquish hold on your control.”

“You’re quite fixated on that.”

“Yeah, well, I think it’s kind of hot. Really hot, actually. I’m glad I was your first in so much time. I’m glad you were my first ever. And that’s the thing, really, I’m glad that I know you. Even if the truth isn’t easy. Even if it’s not pretty. Because now that I know you, Ajax...everything you were, everything you are, now I love you.”

“You just said...”

“That I didn’t love you before. I loved the idea of you, but not you. Not the broken mess you are.”

“You shouldn’t love the mess I am. I’m...I’m...”

“You’re a monster, so I’ve heard. A monster who has not once done anything to hurt me physically. A monster who spent all these years giving nothing but respect to my family. A monster who dismantled one of the world’s most insidious crime rings. Yeah, you’re a monster.”

“You don’t understand,” he said.

And then she saw it. The terror in his eyes, the depth of fear, and she did understand.

“I do,” she said. “I do understand.”

“If you did, you wouldn’t be standing here offering me anything but a divorce. If you really knew...”

“Ajax, you are a damn coward,” she said.

“Because I want to protect you?”

“Because you want to protect you!” she said. “I know because until tonight, I was doing the same thing. This is the honest truth of it, Ajax. You aren’t afraid of what will get out. You’re afraid of what will get in. I know your life was hard. I know it was...more than I can possibly imagine. I know that. And I know that you had to go down deep to forget, to protect yourself.”

He closed the distance between her and grabbed her arms. “You think I’m afraid? That I’m some sort of victim? Was I the one huddled on a bed crying while some asshole who was high out of his mind tried to force himself on me? No. Don’t try to make me out to be anything other than what I was. What I am.”

“It was a terrible thing, Ajax. The whole situation. But in the end, when that woman looks back on her life, how do you think she sees you? As a monster? Or as her savior? Because if it hadn’t been you in that room with her, it would have been someone else. And would they have stopped when they saw her tears? Or would they have kept on? Would they have forced themselves on her without a thought? Would they have left her there in your father’s compound? Would she have ever seen her family again?”

“Stop,” he said, turning away from her.

“You need this lie, don’t you? That you’re somehow beyond redemption, because it gives you an excuse to cut yourself off from the world and then you don’t have to admit how scared you are.”

“This is all there is, Leah. This isn’t a lie. This is just me. You can’t possibly love this.” He hit himself in the chest with his closed fist.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t!” he roared. “Because I truly know me. And I despise everything in there. I changed my name, I left my home. But none of that changes what I am on the inside, who I am. And if you...if you can somehow see past that? You’re a damn fool, Leah Holt. I will do nothing but drag you down to hell with me, so if you have a brain in your stubborn head you’ll get dressed and walk out the door.”

Something in her broke. Her heart probably. Because there was so much truth in what he said. He hated himself, and she saw it now, could see just how broken he was, how sharp and jagged the pieces of him were. Always cutting, always leaving scars.

“No,” she said. “I’m not going to leave. I’m not going to walk away just because it’s hard.” She wouldn’t give up. She wouldn’t hide. Always she was hiding. To avoid comparison, criticism, to avoid feeling vulnerable, but that had to stop. She wouldn’t do it now. Not with him.

“This is as easy as it will ever be, agape,” he said. “This...this won’t work.”

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