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Frustrated, I almost left without saying a word. But of course, being so soft hearted, I kissed my father goodbye and went back to the loft.
When I got home, all I did was debate whether I should call Brody or not. I stared at my phone, feeling restless, yet able to do nothing. I was still under watch from the guards, but everything was pretty relaxed. I could go where I pleased, but I didn’t want another man accompanying me.
At this point, do I really want Brody?
The answer was absurdly easy - yes. But then, should I let a man disrespect me by not including me in his plans? He told me “the less you know, the better.” That was ridiculous. And overprotective, just like my dad.
I was also curious as to why my father was suddenly ok with Brody.What could Brody have done short of saving the world that would have my father so happy with him?
I wanted to ask him, but the last conversation I had had with him had been so frustrating. He basically just wanted me to talk to Brody. The truth was that I wasn't ready.
What’s love but patience and kindness? Did Brody really love me? Did he even care? Was he even worthy of me?
My father had said he was, but when I asked him what he thought of Brody, he left the question up to me. That didn’t help.
It’s not that I didn’t know what to think of the man. I was just scared of what the future might hold for me. I was too hung up on a lot of things, and I just couldn’t bear the thought of talking to Brody.
I couldn’t believe that I had dumped him, let alone let myself be in an on-again off-again relationship. I had never seen myself as being that kind of girl. No, I was the kind of girl who made the right decisions and was sure of herself.
Or so I thought.
I had to decide what I wanted. It wasn’t just the simple fantasy of being with an older, incredibly attractive man. No, it was so much more.
I wanted a partner. I wanted someone who would treat me as an equal. The thought of having his child was great, but I didn’t want to be in it alone.
If he could sleep with me, he could make time for me.
If he could be in a relationship with me, then he could treat me as an equal.
I neededhim but more so, I neededallof him. I needed to know that he was committed, and that he would love me and be there for me. Not just for the sex, not just for the romance, but for the hard stuff. I wanted to know that we could make it through anything.
Everything in life is uncertain, but unlike myself, I was definitely unsure of what to do.
Feeling like I had shot myself on the foot I realized that, if he was going to prove these things that I needed from him, then he needed to come to me. I couldn’t make the first move.
All I could do was wait.
He didn’t call. I couldn’t call. It felt like my world was ending.
I missed his touch. I desired the space he left empty with his absence. If only he could just come to me, I think I would forgive him.
There was definitely an internal struggle that I battled when I was alone. I had never felt this way, and the fact that someone was able to have this power over me…it was both tantalizing and very jarring.
How could someone have such control over me? How could I let him do that to me?
Of course, the truth was something I avoided. I think we were meant for each other. He complemented me, and I him. Our duality was what made things work, and I was reeling from the fact that he wouldn’t let me be a part of whatever deal he was making to “keep us safe.”
In the end, I had no idea. I didn’t know how much he truly loved me, if he did at all.
I just knew that I needed him back, and that I had made a grave mistake by letting him go.
20
BRODY
When I had spoken to Frank, I had come to him knowing what I wanted. I wanted to be the father of her children. I wanted her to be my partner. As much as I thought I didn’t need his approval - what was I, a teenager?! - I just couldn’t do that if her father didn’t accept our love.
There’s something old-fashioned about me that was instilled in me as a child, without me realizing it. So when it came time to finally talk to him about her, to ask him for her hand, I had to confront everything about my friendship with Frank.
