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***Memphis***
KnoxwassilentafterI explained everything to him. I was just about sick of men being at a loss for words after I announced things so I might’ve been stomping through the house while I waited on him to say something. It was strange to feel like I was going to get in trouble with him somehow, like we’d switched roles momentarily.
“Knox, if you don’t open your mouth right this second and say something to me, I’m going to scream.” I plopped down on the couch and groaned. “Please?”
He grunted once. Then again. Finally, on his third grunt, I screamed in his ear and he figured out words again. “Fuck, Memphis. I need to be able to hear shit in here.”
“And I need to hear shit right now, out of your mouth.” I threw my arm over my eyes, in true dramatic fashion, and sighed. “I’m dying here.”
He let out a sigh, a signature of his that meant he was about to say or do something he didn’t want to. “I really, really wish you’d talked to me about this before you just up and did it. I also really wish you hadn’t told me that you decided to sleep with all three of these guys. That’s not something I ever needed to know, sis.”
“Sorry! I was just…it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m in over my head. Right?”
“I’d fucking say so, Memphis Mae King! If they decide you’ve breached their contract, they’ll bury you. You don’t fuck with rich assholes, not at that calibre. Not to mention that you’re so fucking far away that anyone I still know on the outside couldn’t help you if you needed it.” He grunted, another signature of his. “Why, Memphis? I know you. You’re not hungry for money like the rest of us. You have your dreams, but they don’t require millions.”
I was quiet for too long and I could tell that Knox was going to start pretending to be my big brother again, so I just spilled all the beans. The rest of them, anyway. “Jackson.”
“Sonofabitch, Memphis!” His explosive outburst caused a commotion in the background and I held my breath while he swore at someone else. “Mind your fucking business, asshole, or I’ll make you eat this fucking telephone.”
“Knox, stop it!” Tears filled my eyes, the same way they always did when I thought of my little brother in prison. He’d been a thief, just like his big sister, but he’d done it with less finesse. He was sharing space with murderers, though, and that scared me so deeply that it was hard to breathe when I thought about it. “Please, stop. I can’t hear you fighting.”
“Aww, come on, little MandM. Don’t cry. You know I hate it when you cry. I’m just playing around with a friend. Okay?” Knox used the name he and Jackson had called me until they’d learned to say Memphis without such a struggle. “Now, talk to me about our fuckup little brother.”
“He’s sick, Knox.”
“Yeah, he’s fucking sick in how comfortable he is with manipulating you.” Growling out his anger, he didn’t hold anything back. “You’ve got to stop playing his mommy, Memphis. Stop saving him. You’re not doing him any favors.”
Sitting up with a good amount of my own anger, I gripped the phone tighter. “He’s in rehab. I paid for his rehab. I had a little saved up again after Charlie robbed me blind and I would spend it again and again to send him to rehab, just on the chance that it might work. If I could’ve bought you out of prison, I would’ve. I’m your big sister. I’mhisbig sister. I’m supposed to help y’all. I’m supposed to take care of you and make shit right.”
“Jesus, Memphis, listen to yourself. You’re our sister. The best sister we could’ve ever asked for, but still, just our sister. You did more for us than anyone could’ve ever expected of you. We know that. Jackson knows that. You aren’t supposed to keep taking care of us. We’re grown men.”
“Maybe I didn’t do enough. I should’ve done more to protect you both. I know you saw things, Knox. I know he did, too. If I’d protected you from that, maybe—”
He sighed. “You were a kid yourself. You needed someone taking care of you, Memphis. You did everything for us. You can’t keep holding onto this shit. Every time you give in to Jackson, you enable him. He’s never going to get sober if he doesn’t have to do anything for himself ever. Spending your last dollar and putting yourself in a dangerous situation doesn't help anyone. Now you’re trapped in a five year contract, popping out babies like some dystopian breeder, and your feelings are already hurt.”
I rubbed at my chest and sniffed. “They are now.”
“You’re already upset about these men. I know my sister, Memphis, and my sister doesn’t sleep around. You’re not a no-strings-attached kind of girl.”
“I could be.” I stomped my foot and growled. “I’m not. I’m already in too deep, Knox. There’s no way out, though. So, what do I do?”
He laughed. “Can’t say I’ve ever been in this situation. You’re a smart woman, though, and I’d trust you with my life and my money. You’ll figure it out. Then, you’ll call me and tell me about it. Not the sex, though, Memphis. Seriously, that was weird. I’m your brother, not your girlfriend.”
“I said I was sorry about that, Knox. Jeez. At least I think I did.” I shrugged and stood up to go to the kitchen. “I wonder when I’ll start getting weird cravings.”
“Get a female friend, Memphis.”
“I did!” I looked at the small vase overflowing with flowers that Bea had left for me. “She’s great. She’s working, though.”
“Shit. They’re taking us to the yard early today. I’ve gotta go, Memphis. You, too, sis. Keep your shit together and call me earlier next week.”
“You most, Knoxy.” I sighed sadly as I hung up the phone and went out back to my swing.
You, too. You most. Our ways of avoiding saying I love you after seeing it as an empty promise made to us a million times by parents who never should’ve been parents. We each knew what the other meant and we each knew that the promise was as far from empty as possible. Knox was my best friend and hanging up with him, knowing I wouldn’t get to speak to him for another week, left me feeling down every time. I missed him. I missed who Jackson was before the drugs.
I didn’t want to be trapped inside with my negativity, filling up the warm house with darkness, so I pulled on my shoes and decided to go for a walk. Some time in the sun would make me feel better.
34.
