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“This isn’t a fucking love song, Boone. Go get her!” Remy stepped towards the stroller and gagged. “Oh, my God. No, you stay here. I’ll chase the kid. I think one of these is rotten.”
Wells was slowly backing towards the stairs, but Boone caught him and grabbed him. “You’re not getting out of this! I’ll find the runner. One of you two handle the funky one.”
Remy grabbed Boone and a pushing and pulling match ensued as they tried to decide who would deal with the smell. Wells lost his towel and I fought to keep Bea’s eyes covered so she didn’t see all of his business. When Levi released himself from the stroller like a little magician, I let out a wild laugh at the fear on their faces. Levi took off in the opposite direction of Sara but stopped just a few feet away to turn back to the guys and stare directly at them while grunting and straining.
“Is he…?” Wells fumbled with his towel and gagged so hard the top half of his body lurched forward. “He’s shitting. Oh, God. He’s staring right into our eyes as he shits! What’s wrong with these children? Did Bea marry a fucking bear?”
Julie, Levi’s twin sister, Houdini’d herself out of the stroller and then immediately fell over and started scream crying. That set the baby off and then two out of four kids were screaming so loud that Jake muted the volume.
“I think I feel bad for them.” He shook his head and gave a big shudder. “Why are your kids clothed animals, Bea?”
She slapped the back of his head. “I gave them sugar before bringing them. They’re all hyped up on kid cocaine and this is their American Psycho moment. There’s a reason we don’t allow it in the house. They literally turn into monsters. Look at them. I wouldn’t let these kids into my house.”
“I can’t believe you just referred to American Psycho while talking about your children.” I couldn’t help giggling, even if it was terrible. “What are they doing? Are they huddling?”
Jake unmuted it and the screaming was just as intense, but just under the roar, I could make out the chanting of ‘rock, paper, scissors’. We all fell into another fit of laughter and watched as Remy approached Levi slowly with his hands raised while Boone took off in search of Sara. That left Wells with Julie and baby Lily.
We laughed so hard my stomach ached while Remy attempted to convince Levi that he could change his own pull-up and Boone chased Sara in and out of rooms like an oldScooby-Dooepisode. Julie had stopped crying, but only because she’d taken interest in trying to pull out Wells' leg hair, one by one while he clutched his towel like a lifeline in the middle of the ocean. His toothbrush had ended up tucked behind his ear and one wrong move sent it into Julie’s curious hands, which then sent it into her wide open mouth.
“At what point do we put them out of their misery?” I fell into another fit of laughter when Sara ran out of Remy’s office with a cigar in her mouth. It was unlit and I hoped she wouldn’t eat the tobacco, but Boone’s horrified expression told me he was thinking the worst.
“It’s been fifteen minutes.” Bea nearly choked on the popcorn she’d finally brought out when Levi kicked off his shorts and pull-up before running away from them, poopy butt still on display. “Remy’s throwing up. Code vomit!”
Jake was dark red from laughing so hard and all he could do was hit another button so the sounds of Remy’s heaving reached us. In the background, Boone could be heard shouting. “Don’t eat that! Jesus, what are you made of? That’s not normal!”
The last thing we saw before Bea and I left to rescue them was Julie shoving her brother ass-first into Wells’ bare legs. I bit my knuckles to stop laughing as Bea parked in front of the house. We could hear the mayhem through the closed door.
Bea hiccuped and fought to control her own laughter. “Okay. I’ll get Levi and Julie. You think you can take Sara?”
I nodded and we opened the door and stepped into what had to be one of Dante’s levels of hell. The stench was out of control. There was poop on more than just Levi’s little butt, Remy’s vomit was filling a vase next to him as he continued to heave, and Julie was brushing shit through Wells’ leg hair as he gagged violently above her. Without saying a word to the guys, Bea and I engaged parent mode, level hard.
I found Sara hiding under a hall table while Boone ran from room to room, calling out for a ‘little girl’. She still had the cigar in her mouth, though it was very wet from where she’d been chewing on it. I scooped her into my arms, dodged a wild swing as she cried out, and snagged the cigar from her in one fell swoop.
“Nobody found me! They left me hided!” Boone sprinted towards the sound of her voice and bent over with his hands on his knees, winded and stressed. Sara glared at him. “You left me, mister. You mean!”
Boone snapped up and glared right back at her. “You better hope I’m retired by the time you potentially need heart surgery, little girl.”
I tossed the soggy cigar at his chest. “Be nice to her, Boone. She’s just a baby.”
As soon as my back was to him, I had the biggest grin on my face. Sara smacked me on the side of the head once, but I didn’t even mind. It was probably karma for putting the guys through real torture. Downstairs, Bea had the twins in their stroller, both cleaned and smelling fresh. The baby had a bottle and was slowly starting to doze off. Wells was nowhere to be seen and Remy leaned heavily against the wall he’d been standing by the whole time.
I handed Sara to Bea and smiled calmly. “I’m so glad the emergency ended up being a case of mistaken identity. Let me help you get the kids back in the car.”
Bea and I managed to hold it together until the kids were all buckled in and already starting to fade. They were quickly becoming little angels again. She held her hand low and I high-fived it. “Well, that was a crash course if I’ve ever seen one. They may decide one kid is enough after this.”
I shook my head. “Nah. They seemed to really want kids. It melted my heart a little to hear them talk about it. We’ll let them panic for a night or two and then let them know this was sugar induced torture.”
Looking away, Bea nodded with less excitement, but when she looked back at me, she seemed normal again. “Maybe let them suffer for a little bit longer than a day or two. Anyway, I can’t wait to get home and tell Adam about this.”
I hugged her close. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for lending your kids for a mean cause.”
She winked. “Honestly, anytime.”
38.
***Boone***
“Justalittlebaby,my ass.” I stared out at the backyard, wishing I could see the guest house from where I stood. It’d been over a week since Bea released her demon kids on us and I still got a shiver every time I heard the laughter of children.
