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“Is she always like that, Jonas?” I asked.
He blinked. “No. At times she thinks I’m Mathias and we just married. Other times, she doesn’t remember anyone.”
I wrapped my arm around his waist and we walked together, outside to the car that was parked out front. Once we got inside, Jonas sat still. An uneasiness settled between us. I didn’t understand how I could feel so close one minute and so far away in the next. I was unclear what had changed, but as the minutes went on, my stomach soured. As were my thoughts.
“We should have lunch before we go to your friend’s home,” Jonas said. “How about Thai? There is a nice Thai restaurant nearby.”
I licked my lips. “I want to talk about something. Our companionship. I’d like to try again,” I blurted.
His eyes glimmered and he interlaced his fingers with mine. “I don’t think that’s possible, not with how we feel about each other. I have feelings for you, but I’m not ready for more. My life is my work and family. I travel and I can only do short stays in New York. With my book being published, possibly next year, I have a lot more promotional engagements, which will take me away even longer.”
“I understand that,” I said. “We discussed as much before. I didn’t mean to put a demand on your time. I had too many expectations. We have only been together a short while. I didn’t realize that until now. I want to try and compromise.”
“You shouldn’t have to compromise. I was being selfish when I can see so clearly that you….”
He let the words die, but we both knew what he was having a hard time saying. I knew in my heart that I had fallen in love with him. I had formed an attachment in a way that blossomed out of our intimacy and moved on to wanting a more secure commitment, something he wasn’t ready or willing to give me. I stared at him, and saw his struggle. As well as the resolve. He was letting me go. My mouth went dry as my face jumped, unable to settle as everything fell apart.
“I wasn’t sure until now. I regret hurting you. It was something I was concerned about from the beginning, but I was too selfish to not have taken you for myself. I’m too much like my father.”
Jonas’s hands trembled as he collected a cloth and started wiping my face.
My lip quivered. “You’re nothing like your father.”
Not from what he had shared, what I’d read about him, or even what his mother said in the nursing home.
When I continued, my voice was just above a whisper. “Let me try.”
But looking at him, I knew that wasn’t going to happen.
“Try not to care?” Jonas said softly. “Impossible. Your heart isn’t made that way. I’m selfish. I’m used to things going my way in my life. I oversee all that happens and control its flow. That’s how I survived and made things work for me. Relationships have to fit into what I have to give and that’s not what you need. I want to do the right thing for you.”
I swallowed hard, unable to answer. My mind played over what Melissa had warned me of before. Jonas had needs, too. Needs that outweighed what I wanted from him. Being with me would only make him feel out of control and lost again. I needed to get myself together.
“I don’t want you out of my life, and friendship is better for us right now,” Jonas said to me, and himself, I supposed.
I shook. My mind reached out and held on to “right now” for a sliver of hope to wrap up my heart that was breaking apart. I didn’t care about my tears. I didn’t want to care about anything.
“Lily, please,” Jonas pleaded. “Don’t cry. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still your friend, and I will be that forever. Whenever you need me, I’m here.”
He kissed my lips again and again and I let him, tasting the saltiness of my tears as he tried to coax me to calm.
“Try for our friendship,” he said. “Promise me.”
“I promise,” I was incoherent.
Even though I promised, I didn’t see the possibility. I loved him. Couldn’t he see that? Didn’t he care? What-ifs played through my mind as this incredible man I loved was moving out of my life. What-if I had agreed last night, would we be making love right now?Making love.I loved him and wanted his love back.
“We are pulling up to the Thai restaurant,” Jonas said.
I shook my head. “I’ll eat at Mary’s. Please, I just want to go now.”
Jonas gave me a look as if he wanted to argue, but he didn’t. That was when I knew for certain that he had already left me.
We made it to Mary’s in record time. Part of me thought David must have sensed the urgency and drove like the Devil was behind him down the highway until he reached her apartment in Somerville. I pulled out my phone to text her once we reached her street so that she would meet me at the gate. The three-story Victorian house was a bit of a commute for Mary to Boston College, but it was less expensive than living in Chestnut Hill, though she had to make extra time to drive and park for her burgeoning course schedule. While plowed, the snow was heavier in Massachusetts.
Our silence was tense. There wasn’t anything left to say between us. Jonas had let me go, and the more we stayed in each other’s company, the harder it would be. I wanted to argue and state a case against his decision, but I realized that wasn’t fair to him. I wasn’t enough for him. I had thought as much myself.
As the car pulled up, the front door of the house opened and out came Mary. I smiled despite everything. Mary was in her “no-fuss-academic crunch attire” that consisted of a red tank top a few shades lighter than her hair, which was all atop her head in a messy ponytail. Her flannel pajama bottoms were red with cows all over them. She had on her cow slippers so she matched, I thought in amusement. Her horn-rimmed glasses covered her pale green eyes that I was willing to bet were squinting.
