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“I’ll hold it until you do the right thing,” Declan said. “My having it with me will remind you that if you betray me again, I’ll betray you, too.”
In my heart, I knew this was all a game to him. And that I may never see that book again.
Be like Dani, I thought. Be strong.
I so wish I could be.
My mind gave way to fear, conjuring up memories of him abusing me. His hands and his words. Memories I didn’t want to relive again. How could I stop this from happening? I would have to do what he wanted. I would give in again.I already made the decision, my mind crowed. Why was I fighting? I tried to soothe myself as I prepared for the inevitable. I was going to give in. Still, I couldn’t stop the words that fell from my lips in my own quest to hurt him.
“You may not hate me.” My voice wavered. “But I… hate you. You won’t give me that book back anyway. Just stay the hell away—”
“Stop the dramatics.” His voice was like ice. “I want those charges off my record. Now. I’ve got no more time to waste. I work.”
He hung up, and I sat frozen on the floor, unable to move.
The slam of the front door broke my trance, and I winced as the pain on my hand registered. The line was as empty as I felt. I had made a mess of everything. Natasha had left. What other choice did I have left? Declan wasn’t going to stop. What if he did something to Natasha? Or someone else to hurt me? I needed to make to make everything right.I need to get him out of my life.The only way that had worked in the past. The only way I knew how.
I had to give him what he wanted.
I dialed the building and got Carla, the building manager, on the phone to use the lie given to me.
“I understand, Lily. However, if he broke in, as your roommate Natasha said, it is a police matter.”
“He didn’t. I take full responsibility. It wasn’t Declan’s fault. I… I gave him the keys. Nothing was… stolen. It was a mistake. I am going down to the station to drop the restraining order. I really overreacted. I’m sorry.”
“Well, you will need to fill out an incident report,” she said. “You will also have to cover the fees for lock changes. You’re roommate has requested to move out and we plan to grant that move to her. You will need to cover her security deposit, after she schedules her walk through and we check the apartment. Any new tenants would have to be approved and meet our requirements. If you move anyone in without our permission, you will not be allowed to renew your lease. Do you understand?”
“Yes. I’m sorry,” I said hoarsely.
Who would move in for three months? Then again, I wasn’t going to be able to afford to stay past that on my own.
“We’re sorry, too, but we have to consider the safety of our building,” she said and ended the phone call.
I slowly started cleaning my room. I went about the apartment, cleaning it for hours. By the time I was done cleaning, everything was sparkling. I went back to my bedroom and curled into a ball, finally falling asleep. When I woke, I heard my phone beeping with a text from Natasha.
Ari offered me a place in Manhattan. Movers will come for my stuff.
I won’t be back.
Everything was ruined.Again, I thought morosely, as I went to my bedroom and changed into my sweats. I exercised hard, until my whole body hurt as much as I hurt on the inside. I then went across the hall and showered, scrubbing myself raw, but not clean. I was dirty. My lies made me dirty, filthy. My phone beeped and I took it out to check the messages.
I found missed calls from Dani, Ian, the criminal lawyer, and Jonas. I licked my lips and erased all the messages that had been left without listening. Once they found out I planned to drop the charges, they would all be gone anyway. No amount of their inquiries or pressures would change my mind now, though.
Declan had won. Again. I was going to do what he wanted from me.
My heart constricted at the weight of all that my actions had cost me. I continued to underestimate him. I continued to lie and deceive. The more I thought about the people I loved, the book, photos, and memories, the more the pain inside me grew, spreading out and bringing me to my knees. I found it so overwhelming that all I could think about was needing it to go somewhere. I needed some way to channel it away before it crippled me. I had never been prepared or groomed for this in my small world in Quincy with my parents. They’d sheltered and protected me. They had wanted me to be perfect and I tried. I tried my best.
I started running in place, pushing myself harder and faster. I moved on to lunges, then crunches. Over and over again until sweat covered my body and the pain in my limbs screamed. I’d fix this and my life.I’ll fix everything.
I forced myself further still until I finally collapsed in exhaustion. But I wasn’t thinking anymore, was I? I was numb. I was free.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
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Iclosed thedoor and bolted the new locks in place, marking the end of my first week alone in my now own personal, suddenly way out of my price range, loft apartment in Jersey City. At least, it was mine for the next few months.
Natasha had indeed moved out of our apartment and into Manhattan. To where, I wasn’t sure. She hadn’t answered any text messages from me. Not since our fight in my bedroom, where the truth of my situation with Declan had come out and cost me. She didn’t feel safe here. In truth, neither did I.
