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I looked down at my shoes. “I never asked for the place and even argued with him about it. Xander stayed over, so I’m not completely isolated.”
“So a friend stopped by. You’re not able to date anyone but him, but he only wants to use you. He….”
Pays me.She hadn’t said it, but the sting hurt me anyway.
“Nadia, I didn’t mean that in the way that came out. I just don’t want you mixing up real feelings for what you’re doing withhim.”
I smiled weakly and took the keys. “It’s okay, Mom.”
It was my fault. I told her about the arrangement. If I’d known the truth about what happened between my birth parents, I would have never told her.
To Mom, Paul bought me, so everything that happened between us didn’t count or hold any real meaning, no matter how extraordinary sharing life with him had been or all the good I felt when we were together. To her, everything from our conversations to every caress was because he paid for it.
I put on Mom’s eighties jams to lighten the mood. After she crooned out “Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen, I joined her on “Crazy For You” by Madonna.
She paused the song. “Oh, Nadia. Your voice is so beautiful. It gives me chills.”
“Funny. Paul told me the same.”
“Okay, I’ll give him that.” She pressed play, and I went back to singing with her. For the first time, the song felt to have more meaning; I could understand the feelings. There had been a wildness from the first time Paul looked at me, a spark when he first touched me. The two of us were simultaneously close when we were together, yet worlds away.
We only got through a couple more songs before we arrived at Great Harvest Bread Company in Elm Grove. Everything seemed so close to home—the hospital, shops. It was as if my town had shrunk, and I, like Alice in Wonderland, had grown too big.
I already missed discovering a new shop on every street, or stumbling upon photoshoots or movies transforming an area to another place in time. There were sample sales of top of the line designs and museums so large it took days to walk through. Most of all, fashion and inspiration were endless. NYC was a live wire, and I felt charged and plugged in.
“Park over there,” Mom said, and I pulled into a space away from the trees to avoid sap. She wouldn’t admit it now, but she was treating the car like it was precious.
Once we were on the trail, it didn’t take long for Mom to exclaim, “A salamander!” It was a nature game we started every time we went through any park. We always looked for wildlife—grass snakes, chipmunks, beavers, anything.
She picked up the salamander and handed it to me. It didn’t seem quick to go.Because it probably gets picked up all day.I fawned anyway, then put it down so it could carry on its way.
We moved on to the hike with a plan to make a couple of loops on the trail. It was spring, and already, there were plenty of trees, plants, and flowers. The smell of pine and the bubbling of the creek’s water hung in the air as we crossed over wooden bridges, hills, and dams, culminating at the beachfront of Lake Michigan.
Each person we saw shared what they had passed: deer, baby rabbits, hollowed logs. No one ever wanted you to miss anything.
“You’ll rarely get that in the city.”
Mom linked arms with me. “Yeah, you’re acting differently.”
“Am I?” I raised my brows.
She nodded. “You used to talk a mile a minute, but you’re quiet.”
I sighed. “I got a lot on my mind.”
“Paul again?” Her disapproving tone was hard to miss.
“Not only Paul. I was thinking about the city. I like living there.”
“I’m sure you do. It’s exciting to visit, but living there is another story. So expensive.”
“It is.”
“But when you become a big designer, you’ll be able to jet all over the world.”
“It’s not that easy, Mom. I’d need backing, money, and a lot of luck.”
“You can open a store here,” she said. “Maybe not the fancy dresses, but there are plenty who would go crazy over your knitting. I just want you to remember there are options for you. The easy way is not always the best way.”
