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I couldn’t help but think that I’d end up just like my birth mom, holding on to a child fathered by a man who doesn’t love me. And that’s a horrible thought to have first thing in the morning.
But then other questions filtered uninvited through my mind.
Would I see the love I could never have on my child’s face? Would it eat me alive and make me leave my child behind like Nora had done to me?
My skin pricked, and I scratched my arms as a stab of pain burned my chest.
I don’t want to think about it.
Then again, I never wanted to talk about how much their rejection still hurt. For some reason, I thought of Dr. Casey and how she had been right about me. I wasn’t as intuitive to my feelings of abandonment. I hated that she had picked up so quickly what I had struggled with for years.
Mom handed me a towel, and I cinched it in place.
“Oh, goodness. I’m nervous. I could be a grandma.” She covered her mouth and turned away from me, afraid to influence me in any way.
I squeezed her shoulders. “It’s okay, Mom.”
Mom had always wanted a baby, but she couldn’t have one. Her hectic schedule with the hospital and Dad working full-time at the bakery made it hard to adopt. But then I came into her life. I ran into her arms, and she changed her entire life for me.
My heart beat hard against my ribcage as we peered at the test results.
One line.
Two?
I gulped.
Mom squinted. “I think that’s a second line…? No, I’m not sure. I’d call that inconclusive.”
“Then that means I’m not pregnant! Great!” I cheered as a heavy weight lifted off my chest and my shoulders sagged in relief.Thank goodness!!The pressure and worry had been enormous.
“Maybe your hCG levels aren’t high enough in your urine yet. I think we can find someone at the hospital—”
“No, thank you.” I shook my head no rapidly and threw the test away. “We did the test and it’s negative. I won’t have enough time right now, and that was stressful enough.”
“But the line—”
“Come on, Mom. It’s negative. I’ll see a gynecologist if I need to. Okay?” I grumbled. She was cautious to a fault, but there was no pregnancy.
Mom finally relented and sighed. “Fine. But please don’t keep me in the dark. I know you’re scared, but I want to know whatever decision you make.”
“I’m not pregnant, Mom. I’ve never missed a single pill. I’m stressed, but I’m okay, I promise. Let’s go see Dad.”
“Well, the child isyourdecision. Paul Crane doesn’t have to be involved, although it washisawful setup that got you in this mess—”
“Igot myself into this mess.”
“You were a virgin, saving yourself for love, and he took advantage of you.”
My face burned.Dear Lord, please stop her now.I didn’t want to tell my mom how I would’ve had sex long ago if someone had dated me.Or that I enjoy having sex with Paul.I couldn’t believe this was the same woman who Xander went to as his sexual confidant.
On the other hand, what other choice did I leave her?Mom would have been sex toy shopping with me if she hadn’t learned of Paul paying me.But I had enough.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, okay? Please, let’s go see Dad.”
I went into the room, unzipped the garment bag, and swooned, running my hands adoringly over the dress.My dress. A shiver of delight went through me. Seeing the dress was as close to love at first sight. I had clothes I loved, but then there were the times where I’d find a dress that stood out like a beacon in the store. I couldn’t afford it, but I felt seen. As if the designer had made it for a curvy body like mine.
I’d tried not to make a big deal over it when I was in front of Mom. But this dress proved that Paul knew me so well. He knew I’d lose my head over it.
