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“It’s antiquated thinking. I’m not supposed to need or depend on anyone.”
“Neither am I, Nadia. That’s my life, too. I can’t show any weakness at all. I’ve had no one who’s all mine until you.” He tucked my hair behind my ear, causing a tingling sensation to course through me, and I shivered.
“You still think of me as yours, Paul?” I turned and peered at him through my lashes.
He wiped the tear from my eye and tilted my chin up to him. His gaze was soft on mine.
“Of course I do. You wouldn’t be so passionate and angry if you didn’t care. Being with me is hard, I know. Did Gunnar tell you I’ve had to report every interaction to a lawyer my entire life?”
I lowered my brows. “Everyinteraction?”
Paul nodded affirmatively. “Yes. One of the first things you learn as a Crane is that everyone is suspect. I had to give a report on everything I did. I still get betrayed, blackmailed, and sued every day. You asked for me to bring you around friends and family? I don’t even know who I’d bring you to who wouldn’t try to use you as leverage. I haven’t had a friend I could trust for so long or a relationship that’s lasted. I give you restrictions because I live with restrictions. Gunnar is my cousin and best friend. But would he be if I didn’t pay him to stick around? Doubtful. I mean, look at the things he said to you, Nadia. They were unkind and thoughtless. I have very few I can honestly call a friend. But for the most part, I’m alone, Nadia. Utterly alone.” His voice lost steam as his eyelids lowered and his Adam’s apple bobbed.
His pain was out there for me to see. And for the second time today, I saw him lose control. He punched his cousin, something completely out of character for him, and it was obvious that Gunnar didn’t expect that reaction. So many he trusted over the years using and leaving him. Taking liberties. Paul seemed to have it all, yet he had so few in his life. Even his first sexual experience turned into a legal case. He was betrayed and used. No wonder he had so many barriers.
“I’m sorry, Paul.”
He reached for my waist and lifted me onto his lap and engulfed me in his arms, kissing my cheeks and trailing his hands over my face. “Oh, Nadia. You have no idea how much I missed you.” He moved my hair and pressed his soft lips against the side of my neck. “Please, don’t be cold, baby.”
I closed my eyes and melted in his embrace. My head, buried in his neck. He let out a deep sigh. “This is what I want. So much. For us to give to each other. I want you to stay. Tell me what you need from me.” He lifted my chin and gazed deeply into my eyes, and I faltered, under the impact. But I had his attention.
“I want to be with you, but I don’t want you to pay me. Mom doesn’t want you to pay for Dad’s care, either.”
“But he’s in critical condition.”
My vision blurred. “I…I know. But it’s our family’s choice.”My mom’s choice.I don’t know what I’ll do without my dad.“I’ll return to the dorms, take out a new loan, and find a job—”
“How is that all going to help you? It’s bullshit,” Paul scoffed.
“Gunnar said—”
“I don’t give a damn about Gunnar’s opinion of you. He has no say over how I spend my money or my time; it’s mine. You’re punishing yourself, and I don’t see how this changes things with us. You didn’t leave because of what I gave you. You were happy. Now, I need to know what I can do for youpersonally.”
What I was asking for was what would make my parents happy with me.What did I want from Paul?I took a few minutes to think and then said. “Take me out on dates occasionally so I’ll feel like I’m more than just a lover. Tell the press I’m your girlfriend, even if I’m not. It won’t harm you. I’ll stay out of the way. I don’t want my mom to be ashamed of me or for my dad to stop…stop loving me. So they won’t think that after all they’ve sacrificed, I went off and sold myself.”
“You’re not a prostitute—”
“I am if you pay for me. I can’t be anything else, I know. All my life, I felt like I….wasn’t enough. I-I had to try hard to be perfect.”So, people would like me. “Look, I know you don’t feel the same, but you can do whatever you want with me. I don’t care. Just please…let me pretend to be special to you at least publicly to save my reputation….” I begged.
I was in a trance, telling him my biggest secret and deepest wish. It devastated me that the man I thought was the most amazing man in the world, whose every look, every touch I cherished, didn’t truly want me. Just thinking about it made me suffer inside.
I don’t know how much time went by, but I looked at Paul and found his face stricken.
“You are special, Nadia. I don’t pretend to care about you. I do. Did Gunnar tell you that I bought Aubrey’s mom a home and a nurse to care for her in Jersey City? That I bought her sister Faith a home nearby? They were given allowances, trusts, a car, and a driver. I paid all their bills and gave her dad a proper burial.”
“She was your wife—”
“I did it before we married. When someone is mine, I take care of them. Always. That’s it. You’re not a prostitute. I take care of you.” He brushed my lips with his and cuddled me. “Being with me has hurt your self-esteem. It pains me to see you suffer, and to be honest, it’s only just started. This is what happens with everyone in my life, though. My family, friends, coworkers, and fans all think they know what’s best for me and will come after you. I tried to protect you from it, but protecting you is losing you. And that I won’t let happen.”
“So, what are we going to do?”
“Some things I can’t change. I can’t date you at the dorms, so the Hudson will stay, but you can come over and help me design my new place.”
I bit my lip to hide my smile.
“We will go public, during a trip to Rome for my concert. You will be my girlfriend. Officially. We can date, but I decide where, so I can make sure it’s safe and secure.”
I grinned. “Really? Like, date-date?”
