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“I’m not the only one you need to apologize to. Then again, I doubt at this point she wants to hear from you.”
“What did she say?” I needed to hear everything.
Nic rolled his eyes. “You lost all privileges of hearing confidential information the minute you made me the bad-news messenger.”
I scooted back from the table and stood up. “Fine. I’m heading to Vegas to talk to her.”
Dominic shook his head. “Why? Because she won’t do what you want her to? If you’re not going there to beg forgiveness for having your head up your ass, then leave her alone. Let her move on with her life since that’s what you say you want.”
Gabe took a sip of a beer he’d just poured. “I’m with Nic. If you’re intent on the divorce, you shouldn’t see her again.”
The thought of never seeing her again left a panic in my chest. In my plan, she’d work at the company, and she’d live in my house, and so I’d still have some connection to her. But she’d taken all of my plans completely off the table. I was in or I was out. There was no middle ground.
“Do you love her?” Nic asked.
“Of course I do. I’m trying to do the right thing here.”
Gabe shook his head. “No, what you’re trying to do is be a martyr nobody asked for. Nic and I can’t begin to understand what you went through in Iraq, but you suffering in silence is not the answer. You keeping your distance from those who love you and would support you through it is not the answer. And divorcing your wife because you think you know what’s best for her is not the fucking answer.”
I thought about my hands around Addy’s neck, strangling her. I thought about the divorce papers I’d made her sign in the office. And I thought about how I shouldn’t have anything as bright and wholesome as her in my life in the first place.
“I don’t deserve her.”
Nic’s features softened, and he came over to lay a hand on my arm. “It’s not that you don’t deserve her; it’s that you won’t accept her.”
His insight floored me. Karma had put Addy in my life, the same karma I dreaded because of the way I’d survived the deadly attack in Iraq when those under my command had not. But for some reason, fate had placed this wonderful woman in my path, and maybe what I was doing wrong was not accepting the gift.
“You’re right. I haven’t been able to accept her or the light she’s brought into my life. How could I? I’ve never forgiven myself.” I paused but then made myself add the rest. “For living.” Instead, I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and consequently self-sabotaging. “But what if my nightmares never get better? What if I remain a danger to my wife and future kids because of how I react to my memories?”
Gabe shook his head. “You need to talk to someone who can help. But isn’t it worth trying? You cannot possibly be any more miserable than you are now.”
He was right. Some kind of therapy was worth trying. And so was saving my marriage. “I need to go find Addy.” I could only hope she’d give me another chance. If she did, I could be sure she’d stand by my side as I sought help.
Nic dramatically sighed. “The drive will take hours at this time on a Friday. Everyone from California is sitting in gridlock at this hour.”
Gabe huffed and set down his beer. “Fine, I’ll charter a flight. It’ll be faster than commercial.”
It needed to be put out there, so I said it. “I don’t know what I’d do without you both.”
“Good thing you’ll never find out jerk face,” Nic joked, giving me a brotherly hug.
ChapterFifty-Two
ADDISON
Ihad to give proper credit to my cousin Malorie. Ever since learning about my breakup with Leo a few days ago, she’d been empathetic and supportive. And she hadn’t pried. She’d simply checked in on me and been there as a friend. She’d called me this evening after I arrived at Dominic’s townhouse out of friendly concern.
“You need to go out tonight.”
She wouldn’t take no for an answer. But I’d already changed over into pajamas. When Malorie called, I’d been sitting on Dominic’s sofa contemplating what to do for a late dinner since I hadn’t eaten all day. What I wanted was to grieve my short-lived marriage, my miscarriage, and my loss of a great job. At the same time, I was already sick of “depressed, couch Addy.”
Wouldn’t “drunken, slightly sad, but couldn’t remember why my feet hurt from dancing Addy” be a better alternative? “Fine, I’ll go.” I only hoped I had something decent for a night out in one of the two suitcases I was living out of.
She squealed with excitement. “Great. I’ll bring the perfect shoes for you to wear. And no pressure, but Craig’s friend Patrick is planning to meet us.”
The last thing I wanted was to meet anyone new, not with my heart in a million pieces, but what was the harm in having a few drinks out with my friends? Might do my self-confidence some good, especially if I put on makeup and did my hair. “Okay, sounds good.”
“We’ll pick you up in an hour. I’m telling you, cousin, this is the way you get over that jerk.”
