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She lies back down and eventually drifts back off to sleep, which I’m sure she needs, so I sit back and watch her for a while as I process everything. Mom is right. If we’re going to be together, I really do need to jump in with both feet. We’ve both been scuttling around the edges, never quite getting further than dipping our toes in because we’ve been worried. But now, I need to decide if I’m going to back off completely, or really go for it.
I want to jump in with both feet. I want to give Zoe my all, but I still have fear. It’s causing icy cold panic to fizzle through my veins. I don’t think Icanjump in with both feet while I’m so scared. I might end up losing Zoe forever if I drown in this fear.
What the hell am I going to do? I’m definitely at a crossroads in my life, and I need to pick which path I want to go down. Do I cut Zoe off and continue down the path I’ve always been walking, with Wyatt by my side and my mom helping me out along the way. My friendship with Freddie as it always been, or do I turn everything on its head to see where it takes me?
I’ve always been okay with taking risks in business because I know the payoff will be great and worth it. But I don’t think I’ve ever done the same with my personal life. This is the first time I’ve ever had that risk and I need to decide what to do with it, sooner rather than later.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I pace up and down the waiting room as I wait for Zoe to pick up the phone. I need to finally check in with her because I have answers when it comes to Mom.
“Hello?” As she finally picks up, I can see why she’s taken so long. There is so much noise in the background. Where the hell is she? “Remy, is everything okay?”
“Mom is fine now. She’s being discharged soon so we’ll be coming home.”
“Oh okay, that’s great news. I’m glad to hear that your mom is okay. That was terrifying. Wyatt and I are currently at the Congregate Care unit with Mary Lou because Wyatt was worried, and I needed something to distract him. He’s had a great time with the other kids.”
This strikes me hard. I don’t know why I haven’t thought about this before. I’ve been so desperate to keep my charity work private that I haven’t even brought Wyatt into it. But he could make some really good friends there. Some lifelong friends, and I want that for him.
“That’s great.” I’m impressed with Zoe’s instincts. “Thank you so much for that. I’m glad to hear that he’s had a great time with you and the other children at the unit. That’s awesome.”
“I will just help Mary Lou tidy up and then we will meet you back at your place.”
“That sounds great. Thank you, Zoe.”
We both stay on the phone for a beat too long, neither of us saying anything, but both of us are feeling the intensity of this moment. I can sense that Zoe is at the same place as me, at the edge of the crossroads, not quite sure which way to turn. We need to decide individually, and together as well which way we’re going to move forward.
Tonight, we need to talk. When I go to see her after I have looked after my mother, we need to discuss it all. Openly and honestly, in ways that we haven’t before. It’s scary, but we can’t keep going the way that we have been. It isn’t working for anyone.
“Right, well I will be back soon, okay,” I finally say because we also can’t sit in silence forever.
“Yes, of course. I hope you get your mom back alright and everything is okay.”
I hold onto my chest as I hang up the phone, knowing where my heart is. My heart has always been with Zoe. It’s just my head that isn’t sure. My head isn’t sure what’s the best thing for us.
But for now, I need to focus on Mom, because this can be the one place where I begin my promise to be better for her. To look after her more. She needs my full attention as I take her home, and make sure that she’s well. Everything else can come afterwards.
Chapter 21
Zoe
Luckily,IknowwhereRemy keeps his spare key hidden, because it takes Remy quite a long time to come back from the hospital, and from his mother’s house as well. I don’t mind, because it’s been so nice to hang out with Wyatt, especially coming back from the Congregate Care unit with so many stories about the games he’s played and the new friends he’s made.
We’ve enjoying cooking and eating dinner together, watching a bit of a movie, and also bedtime. I read Wyatt a few books, probably a lot more than he usually has, but I think I’ve done okay. I mean, I haven’t been around him enough to know exactly what his routine is, so I don’t know if everything has worked out according to what Wyatt is used to, but I think I’ve done well.
I hope so anyway. I have to admit I’m a little nervous for Remy to come home, just in case, but I keep telling myself that he’s going to be happy no matter what I do.
He was pensive on the phone. I don’t know what he was thinking but it felt intense and powerful. I have a feeling that we’re going to have to have a real chat sometime soon to work out what is going on between us. I know we definitely can’t carry on as we are, all unsure and never quite making any steps in any direction. We aren’t together, but we also aren’t apart. I think that’s the only way I can think of it, and it’s messy and complicated. We both need something easier.
If we end things, I will really consider moving away, just because seeing him and talking to him face to face again today has been a stark reminder that I can’t be around him. It’s just too painful. I can’t keep seeing him and knowing that he isn’t mine.
But who the hell knows what will happen? I guess all I can do is perch on the edge of the couch, waiting for him to finally come home. That’s actually harder with Wyatt sleeping away in bed because now I’m the one who needs a distraction. I need something to help me cope.
I have some terrible reality TV love experiment show playing on the TV, but I can’t get sucked into it at all. My mind is constantly wandering, and every single time I hear a car I leap up and stare out the window like a paranoid woman. I can’t stop myself from freaking out.
God damn it, I just need him here now. The anticipation is absolutely killing me. It’s twisting up in my guts and edging up anxiety through my whole body. The moment he’s here and looking me in the eyes, I guess I’ll know which way it’s going. Then I won’t have this intense nervous energy burning through my body. Then I’ll be able to breathe a lot easier. I hope.
Finally, his car comes. The next noise I hear is the car I’m looking out for. Spotting Remy doesn’t allow me to calm down though, and I start shaking all over. I justknowthat this is going to be the end here. He’s going to cut me off completely and my life will change forever. I switch the TV off. I can’t stand the noise any longer, and I can’t sit on the couch either. I’m a mess.
