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"They're all sons of bitches, I tell ya. But they're all mine." She laughed as she gave me a hug and walked down the corridor.
Daniel came down from talking to his father with an interestingly calm demeanor. He grabbed my hand and we left, driving off toward the city lights.
I knew what I had to do.
The next morning, I called James and asked if he, Susan and I could have lunch sometime. I could tell James was surprised to hear from me, but trying to hide it by accepting my invitation calmly. Although I thought maybe we could meet next week sometime, James said they would be happy to meet me that day.
There was a cafe just down the street from their house, so we met there. I thought it was good to meet on neutral ground and also I felt like I wanted to treat them. They had squandered much of their earning years and even now, had some clawing back to do. I knew they were trying hard and thought this might be nice.
I could tell that they were both nervous, but in different ways. James was nervous-excited, and Susan was nervous-skeptical.
But I had a new sense of calm about this, so whatever they were feeling was not going to change what I knew I had to do.
It was a beautiful day, so after placing our orders, we went to get a table outside. As we sat, I could still feel the tension and I knew I was keen to smooth it out.
"Thanks for joining me for lunch on such short notice."
"Well, thanks for inviting us. We really appreciate it, don't we, Susan?" James was quick to bring Susan into the conversation.
"Mm-hmm. Yes, I guess so." Susan responded as only Susan could.
The waitress brought our glasses of water and the soup and sandwich specials that we had all ordered. We sat in silence, which made the eating sounds a little louder in my head. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. Those were all good signs, right?
I cleared my throat.
"I wanted to invite you to lunch because I want to start fresh again. I was filled with resentment with how I grew up. I focussed on your failures as parents and vowed I wanted to have nothing to do with you when I grew up." Both James and Susan kept their eyes on their soup bowls.
"But what I've realized is that you were doing the best you could at the time. And now, when you know better and experienced the consequences of your actions and decisions, I see that you're really trying to change. I wanted to let you know that I appreciate that about you and I shouldn't resent you for your past, and maybe even what it did to me. You can't live for me and now I'm responsible for me and my happiness. I can't keep punishing you for the past."
Susan was silent, but James cleared his throat. "Amelia, you're completely right. You know you are. We were terrible parents. Me especially. I am deeply sorry. I take full responsibility. But I know that there are no words, no actions I could say or do today that will ever make up for it. I am deeply ashamed. But I also know that if I continue to punish myself for my past, I will not have a future. As much as I want your forgiveness, and I know your mother must feel the same way, we know that it would take more than our lifetime to make it right."
I was quiet. That was a lot to take in. Deep breath.
"Thank you, James. You say there are no words or actions, but a part of me is deeply healed by what you just said. What I wanted to tell you is that I've been going to therapy for years, but none of it made any sense to me until recently when I saw another family who had issues too. It made me realize that the issues that we have are sometimes what makes our family just that… family. What you put me through – well, I'm going to be blunt – I don't ever want to repeat for any child I might have in the future. I want to do differently because I have had that experience with you."
James and Susan still looked ashamed.
"No, no. Please don't feel bad. I wanted to talk to you because I wanted to tell you that I forgive you. Not because what you did was any bit ok, but because I want to be free. I want to be free of the bad memories and I want to focus on what you DID give me."
Susan murmured. "I can't imagine what that would be."
"Well, let me tell you. You gave me an unrelenting focus to survive. I have an incredibly high drive to make a difference, to succeed. I learned that I can make a difference. I learned that I can survive. I had a lot of help from friends, but that doesn't take away the fact that you are family. I've learned that we can't choose our family, but we have to accept our family, no matter what. And I want to do that for both of you. I want to accept you. I don't want the day to come when you're not here, and I wished I would have said something or just made a better effort."
Another minute of silence.
"Well, Amelia. I'm up for that." James smiled a warm smile. Susan kept looking at her soup. She jumped when James kicked her under the table.
"Uh… yes. Me too. All I can say is that I'll do my best, which some days might not be that great."
I laughed. "It's ok, I guarantee you that I'll also have some bad days."
When lunch was over, I gave them the most sincere hug and all I can say is, it felt so good. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my heart. I truly could be thankful for Susan and James.
Or, more like, Mom and Dad.
I giggled to myself. Maybe that will take a little more time.
I had high hopes for the day. It had been a long weekend, but I was finally back at work and I was refreshed. At this point, I felt like I could tackle a bull. I had come before the others today and that boosted the enthusiasm I was feeling. I went through notes and pranced about the lab and tried to mimic the way Florence walked. It was harder than I thought.
