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“His name was also Ben, I think, I don’t know, but you came back from school all teeth from smiling so hard, because Ben liked your headband,” she chuckled.
“Oh my God, I can barely even remember, but that sounds like me.”
“Of course, you don’t, you were five. You wanted to wear that headband for a month straight.”
“Oh, that’s a little cringey now. I wonder what happened to him,” I said, finally getting the key in the door and turning it.
“I think his family moved away for work reasons,” Mom answered.
We dropped the grocery bags on the table and I removed the milk, turning to open the fridge when my eyes caught the note on the door. I quickly scanned the content and saw the red number and red date that had already passed.
I said nothing on opening the fridge, and put the milk in. Turning to get the rest from the bags only to see mom quietly shuffling a few papers.
She looked up to see I had caught her and she let out a soft sigh.
“When did it come?” I asked as I reached over and picked up the notice for the unpaid bill from the fridge.
“Yesterday.”
“Ma . . .”
“I didn’t say anything because I was going to try and pay it myself.”
“They’re gonna add more for the missed payment.”
“I know, I know. I just . . . I’m gonna pay. I talked to the manager at the hotel about taking on an extra shift for the next week. It’ll be enough to get it paid.”
I sighed, “No, Mom. You’re not taking on an extra shift.” I dropped the notice and took the orange juice instead, turning to put it in the fridge.
“I have to. I can. It’ll help,” Mom said.
“You don’t need to, okay?” I shook my head as I turned back to my mom. “I’ll find a way.”
“You already do enough, sweetie.”
“And I can do more. You can’t take on an extra shift – you’re already stressed out enough. You get home exhausted almost all the time. It’s a no.”
“We need it. I can manage.”
“I know we need it, but you shouldn’t take on more. I’ll talk to Benjamin’s parents. Maybe the Reeds have more hours or I can take a second job.”
“You nanny full time,” she reminded me.
“I’ll find a way. I will. Just . . . you should forget about taking on any more stress,” I answered. I took the eggs from my mother, and then the jam. Mom took the bread to the counter with the cereal boxes and my eyes strayed from her to the papers.
The new notice was not the only thing reminding us of what we owed; the logo for a gas bill poked out from underneath. I had avoided the landlord earlier this morning when I left for work. I held my breath, knowing that rent was already four days past due. I didn’t need the reminder from him. Mom spent some time with the landlord’s mother when she visited from Chicago last week. It seemed to be greatly appreciated, but we couldn’t bet that was enough to skip payment for the month’s rent. Best it could do was earn a little extra grace and keep the landlord from knocking on the door for a few more days–at most.
And new bills were always on their way. They came one right after the other, never giving a moment’s peace. I was constantly trying to keep my head up, reminding myself that things would get better in some way. Above everything, I needed my family to be okay because that was what mattered the most to me. It meant I would stifle the urge to show how defeated I felt in that moment, and instead turn to my mother, pulling my lips into a thin line as I hoped to cheer her up.
“Look, everything’s going to be fine, alright. We’re going to be okay,” I said to her as much as to myself.
She stared at me, her eyes questioning how much I believed what I’d just said. My brazen reassurances were oftentimes absurd but then more times than not, we’d come back to remembering the moment and realizing I was right. She nodded, even if she didn’t look so sure about my statement.
“Okay,” I said, nodding firmly, determined to make this evening happen. “Now, you gotta give me more. This woman who caught her man, there must be more to the story. Tell me everything she said.”
Mom laughed, “Let’s at least start dinner first.”
“Sure, but it doesn’t stop you from telling me all the goss,” I said, as she rolled up her sleeves and turned to the sink. Her laugh rang out through the apartment.
