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“I know what you’re thinking,” Runa said knowingly as she took a swig of the milky, sweetened chai that came with our meal.
“Really? You’re a mind reader now? Okay, genius. Tell me, what am I thinking?” I popped off, taking my frustration out on my sister.
“I’m going to let the attitude slide because I know you’re still dealing with the Dennis stuff,” Runa warned. “But contrary to what you might believe, Idoknow what you’re thinking. No one on this planet knows you better than me. I know what’s going through that head of yours and it’s got everything to do with how much you like Travis. You’re just afraid to admit it.”
“I don’t like Travis!” I shouted defensively, taking immediate offense to what she said.
“Lies. You forget, my dear sister. Iknowyour tells just like you know mine.” My sister smirked as she nabbed a single Thai corn fritter and popped it into her mouth.
“It’s the truth!” I did my damndest to make her believe me, but not even I didn’t believe me. I was lying. Ididlike Travis. More than I wanted to admit and Idefinitelydidn’t want to admit to it. In fact, I’d spent most of last night (and maybe a few others) wide awake thinking about his devilish smile and how well his ass looked in his work pants. He had the best ass I’d ever seen. All those years of squatting really did him and his backside a service.
There were so many other things about him that really got me going. The way his hair flopped down into his eyes when he was reading something. How he bit the inside of his lip while concentrating. The way his hands worked when I pretended to still not understand how to work the coffee machine from hell. It irked me that I found him so attractive. When I returned to the land of the living, I swore it would be a long time before I even allowed myself to entertain the idea of meeting someone new, let alone developing feelings. That is, until Travis MacDaniel blasted his way into my life and I was left reeling.
You see, for most of my life, guys kept their distance. I spent all of high school dateless and ignored. I often felt invisible and wondered if I was the ugliest woman on the planet. No one ever looked my way. No one ever asked me out. My early love life was crickets. A vast landscape of nothingness. Completely empty of the slightest shred of male interest. I cried into my pillow each night wanting to know what the hell was wrong with me. Why I wasn't lucky like the other girls that the guys fell over themselves for. That mystery lasted until I got to college and a guy named Marty Bolson set me straight.
“I think guys are intimidated by your drive and your intelligence."
"What?" I asked, clueless as to what he was talking about.
"Your self-confidence is intimidates them,” Mart explained one night when we were in his dorm, lying on his bed watching reruns of the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Most of my friends thought Mart and I were hooking up, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s hard to hook up with someone when you’re both attracted to men. Mart had known he was gay from the time he was a small child, but had been forced to hide his true nature.
Mart came from old South Carolina money, you see. His grandfather had once been the state governor. His uncle was the then-governor, and his dad had recently been elected to the United States Senate. Not to mention, his family owned businesses up and down the Eastern coast and mingled with the upper crust of society. Having a gay son was the worst thing his shitty family could imagine and Mart had been forced to hide his true self. Fury burned in my belly every time I thought about how living that lie depressed him.
“Why would guys be intimidated by that? I thought some guys liked smart girls?” I’d asked naively.
“Even though they’ll deny it until they’re blue in the face, most guys you like want a girl who’s no better than an ornament,” he’d said bluntly. Seeing that I was about to argue, Mart held up a finger and asked me to listen.
“If you don’t believe me, look at the girls most of the dudes on this campus go for. The silly, party girls who will willingly conform to whatever those assholes want, rather than being their authentic selves. Those hoochies are more than willing to sacrifice their integrity just to say they’ve got a boyfriend and that, my dear friend . . .” Mart paused to kiss my temple. “. . . is not and never will be you. Those douchebags know you’re worth a hundred of them and that’s why they don’t even try.”
I would forever be grateful to Mart for helping me see that the problem wasn’t me. It took a long time to acknowledge and accept that. I’ll freely admit that there are still times when I have trouble believing it, but unlike before, I know better. Whatever lows came with feeling that way, there was also the reminder to never sacrifice my integrity or self-worth. To remain unapologetically who I was.
As I sat at my dining room table watching my sister inhale her dinner, I sent out a silent thanks to my friend. It gave me peace to know that after college, he’d come out to his family after meeting the love of his life, Destin. Even though he ended up being disowned, he and Destin had built a rich and wonderful life together. Destin studied fashion in college while Mart studied business. Together, they now owned a world-renowned fashion house, and were a force to be reckoned with. They clothed the rich and famous, as well as the elite of the world. Kings. Queens. Dukes. Lords. Ladies. Presidents. Rulers. Anyone who was anyone had to be seen in at least one of their designs. Even Mart’s own mother wore one of Destin’s dresses to a high society banquet last year, yet she’d never once acknowledged that the designers were her son and son-in-law.
“I think you fell down a rabbit hole.” My sister’s words suddenly snapped me back to the present. “You went quiet there for a minute.”
“I was thinking about what Mart said to me back in college,” I admitted.
“Aww!” Runa reached out and squeezed my hand. “How is Mart the Fart doing?”
I giggled at her nickname for him.
“He’s well, Runa the Luna.” I used his nickname for her. “He and Destin are still killing it with their fashion line and according to his last email, they’re currently looking into adopting a dog.”
“That’s adorable. They’ll be good purr-ents,” Runa chuckled as she switched food lanes and tore into the shrimp pad Thai she’d just had to have.
“They will, but you know what he said really got me thinking.”
“About what?”
“About Dennis and Travis, actually.” My words caught her off guard. Runa’s eyes flared wide and round while her eyebrows crept up her forehead.
“Really? How so?”
“You know what my life was like growing up.” Runa nodded as she popped another large prawn into her mouth. “I feltluckywhen Dennis asked me out and even more so when things got serious between us so quickly. I felt like Dennis was it. My one shot at happiness.”
“And now you’re thinking that Travis might be your second chance?”
I shook my head even though that was exactly what I was thinking. I just didn’t want to admit it. Not to her, and especially not to myself.
