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“No,” I said instead. “I’m thinking getting involved with him would be a mistake.” I sucked in a deep breath before letting out slowly. “I think it's best if we're just friends. I need to focus on me for a bit and not worry about whether or not I’ve missed my only chance at happiness. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I can create my own happiness.”
“That’s right! You are the master of your own happiness, my sister!” My sister cheered me on. “But there's something I think you're overlooking. I think you need to know something.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
“Dennis wasn’t your forever guy, sissy.” Runa took my hand in hers once again. She accurately judged that what I was feeling had more to do with my ex than my super sexy co-worker. “Anyone with eyes could see that Dennis isn’t the last man you’ll love. He wouldn’t have been so shitty to you if he was.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I’m saying that someone out there is sooo right for you, and I believe that guy is Travis.”
“Whether he is or isn’t." I shook my head. “Right now, Iwantto focus on myself. I think that’s what's best for me. Besides, would that be fair to him if I started something I'm not ready for? Travis might end up on the wrong side of it.”
“I don’t think he will, but I get where you’re coming from and I respect that. I spent most of my life watching you struggle with the opposite sex and how that affected you. I see how it’s wounded your self-esteem, even though you are one of the most confident people I know. Perhaps you’re right. Maybe it’s best for you to just be a little selfish right now, but don’t close yourself off when it comes to love. Be open to whatever is out there. Be open to Travis and what he brings to the table.”
I processed my sister’s words while I finished my food. Runa and I spent the next few hours reminiscing about our childhood, laughing, and sharing family stories until our sides were hurting and happy tears rolled down our faces. When she got ready to leave— with all the leftovers, Runa hugged me goodbye and kissed my cheek before telling me she loved me and that she was proud of me.
“I really am proud of you, sissy. You’re doing your own thing and working towards a better version of yourself.” She kissed me again. “But remember what I said. Be open. Life has a way of surprising you when you least expect it.”
Runa left but not before giving me another hug. Once her rideshare whisked her away, I got to work cleaning up the kitchen before tucking in early. The lack of sleep last night had my eyes closing on their own volition and I was asleep within minutes of my head hitting my pillow.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt invigorated. Yet, I was still irritated about all things Travis. Maybe irritated wasn’t the right word. Hot and bothered were more like it. Yep, I washotandbotheredbecause once again, Travis had the starring role in my dreams. Steamy, sultry dreams, pleasure-filled fantasies that left my core aching and him not there to take care of it. The ache was so bad that I’d needed a few extra minutes in the shower. I came almost instantly as I imagined his tongue was the hot rush of water sweeping across my skin and it was his fingers that stroked me to climax.
Shaking the thought away and ignoring (mostly) the throbbing sensation between my legs, I readied for work. I tried not to think of him and failed. The only thing that didn’t fail was that all-too familiar insecurity I’d always harbored. My fears of inadequacy and worthlessness would always be there, no matter how confident I was. Fears that had come back with a vengeance after the upheaval I’d gone through. The thought of opening myself up, allowing another man in, giving him my trust, scared the ever-living hell out of me. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Travis. I knew he was a stand-up, dependable guy. It boiled down to the fact that I didn’t trust myself enough to open up enough to allow something good in.
That’s why I decided to stick to my guns. To stay resolute in my vow to keep Travis at arm’s length. With a plan to avoid the breakroom, to eat lunch outside the office, and hide out as much as possible, I left for work, glad that the weekend would be here soon and I’d have a couple of Travis-free days to figure all this out. I needed to figure out how to push past my attraction to him. To find a common ground where we could just be friends. Determined, I boss-walked out my door and headed on into work. Only to run into the man himself as I walked in the front door. I should have known that ignoring Travis McDaniel wasn’t going to be so easy.
nine
Travis
Fridaynightwithmybest girl was the highlight of my week. Well, except for running into Dee in the lobby three mornings in a row as we headed into the office. That was pretty spectacular. As were all the times we were caught in the elevator together. Yeah, I loved those too. What I didn’t love was her absence in the breakroom and doing everything she could to avoid me. Sensing she needed space, I’d stayed away, not wanting to come off like a creep because I knew there must be a good reason behind her actions. I respected those reasons. I just didn’t like them.
After leaving work, I’d come home after picking my daughter up from school. Amie and I headed out for our regular Friday night pizza date at the parlor close to our home. Sal’s Pizza had quickly become my daughter’s favorite place. That was thanks to the man who was always working the counter. A short, thin man named Benny, instantly had Amie wrapped around his finger with his easy manner and friendly, warm spirit. The fact that the parlor had recently expanded and installed a small arcade was also a huge selling point.
Amie and I had chowed down on a half cheese-half supreme pie while I asked her about school. At one point, I was scared she’d hate school because of her past trauma, but there was nothing to worry about. Amie loved school. I’d enrolled her before we left on our trip, thanks to my mother’s suggestion to get a head start and tick that box off my ever-growing list of things to do. Amie’s education was a priority, after all. She desperately needed a safe, nurturing environment and positive social interaction after it came to light that the ‘school’ her mother had put her in was nothing more than a daycare riddled with neglect and cruelty. My belly burned when I learned what those wicked bitches at that so-called childcare facility had done to my baby. Finding unexplained bruises on her little body, counting the welts that they claimed were from playing on the playground, and how my normally outgoing child withdrew into herself, blew my tolerance all to hell. If that hadn’t been bad enough, learning from another parent that Amie’d been locked in a closet for an entire day, forced to go without lunch and potty breaks had me yanking my child out of there and lodging a complaint that led to the place getting shut down permanently.
The difference in my child since setting things right was night and day. Amie’s school was one of the best in the city and it showed. She was happy all the time. She wasexcitedto leave in the morning and was genuinely disappointed when sickness kept her away. The staff encouraged her love of learning. Encouraged her to explore, to ask questions, and treated her with the respect she deserved. My little girl was encouraged to be her authentic self and I couldn’t be more grateful. Amie talked animatedly about the friends she had made, how much she loved her teacher and the teacher’s assistant, and that she’d gotten a gold star because she’d been so well behaved. Pride puffed out my chest to hear that she was so happy.
After Amie spent some time playing on the old school Pac-Man console, we walked to the bodega located at the corner closest to our building and grabbed a pint of strawberries ‘n cream gelato. Her favorite. Once I’d given her her bath and fed her a scoop, we planted ourselves on the floor of her bedroom to do what we did every single Friday night: play with her dolls.
I had just started brushing the hair of her favorite silver-haired mermaid when my phone rang. Thinking it was Jason asking me out for a drink or someone from the office with the same intentions, I let it go to voicemail. I went back to brushing while Amie told me about a story about the ‘pretty lady’ that had read to them during story time earlier today. The school had arranged for the students to attend reading hour at the local library. Some of the parents refused to let their children participate in Drag Queen Story Hour, claiming it was immortal and was ‘grooming’ children, but I wasn’t one of them. I understood that no part of this was ‘indoctrinating’ young children. Nor did I believe that the queens were ‘too sexualized’ to be in the company of kids. I’d been to several drag lunches and a few ‘story times’ before and it was all above board and definitely child-friendly. What I also understood was that these performers went out of their way to encourage and uplift my child, instilling in her to love herself just as she was.
I’d unknowingly gone down the asinine ‘drag is bad’ rabbit hole, imagining myself ripping into one of those ignorami who kept perpetuating that ridiculous myth, when my phone started ringing again. Not wanting to sacrifice my time with my daughter, I again let it go to voicemail. When it immediately started ringing a third time, Amie heaved out an exasperated sigh and said, “Just answer it, Daddy!” Amused by her all-too adult reaction, I answered my phone without checking the display.
“Sorry, I’m home for the night, Jase, but thanks for the invite." I’d been so certain that my best bud was asking me out for a beer and some ‘guy time’, but I was wrong. So very wrong.
“Who the fuck is Jase? Is she your new fuck buddy?” A harpy screeched in my ear. I cringed as the sound pierced the inner part of my ear. A groan slipped out of my mouth as I realized I was going to have to deal with my ex. Something I didn’t want to do. Why didn’t I look before answering, I asked as I beat myself up internally. If I’d looked, I’d have been prepared, but I hadn’t and now I was stuck facing a mess that I wanted no part of.
“Tami, why are you calling?” I asked flatly, not giving her an answer to her question. Even if Ihada fuck buddy, it still wouldn’t be any of her business. I blew out a hard breath, frustrated but trying my best to keep the venom from my voice since my daughter was nearby.
“Is that Mommy?” Amie chimed with such sweetness it made my chest ache. No matter how shitty Tami was to her, Amie forever held onto hope when it came to mother.
“Yes." I glanced over to Amie who’d abandoned her dollies and was now hopping back and forth from one foot to the other.
“I wanna speak to Mommy! I want to tell her about my school and my friends and Buttons and Oh! I want to tell her about Mr. Benny!” Amie went to grab my phone just as Tami hissed.
“I don’t have time to talk to her. Shouldn't she be in bed?”
