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“Okay.” He was much calmer than he’d been just a few seconds before. “You want to talk about it? Let’s talk about it.”
“You said I was pushing you hard.” She picked up from right where they’d left off. “But you have to admit that you weren’t trying that hard.”
“I was,” he said. “Maybe you didn’t see it, but I was.”
“Tazeem, you spent nearly all of your time clubbing,” she reminded him.
“Not because I wanted to.” He explained, “I was trying to form the connections I needed to get a job.”
“In clubs?” Chess guffawed. “Since when did people start forming connections in clubs?”
“People like me form connections where they can,” he countered. “Remember all I had, I hadn’t graduated yet so I had no certified skills to sell. Meanwhile, we’ve got a kid coming and I need to earn a living. The only way to do that was to tap into the connections I had. But what connections did I have?”
He reminded her, “My parents were out there in the wind so no connection. My grandpa was dead so no connection there. You were a college kid who was taking care of her little sister, so that was a dead end too.”
He took a breath before continuing, “The only real connection I could find was my college friends, and the connected ones spent their nights in clubs. If I wanted to get close to them, I had to hang out with them in those clubs. How do you think I got that part-time gig at that lawyer’s office or the part-time DJ thing? I got all that by cozying up to those rich kids and convincing them to talk to their friends, parents, or parents’ friends.”
“You could’ve told me that back then,” she said. “It would’ve helped me understand why you were always out.”
“Would you have listened?” He reminded her, “You were so prickly and annoyed with me back then that I just couldn’t talk to you.”
“You could’ve tried,” Chess countered. “Besides, you didn’t make it easy for me not to be annoyed with you. You spent your days working your part-time gigs and your nights clubbing with your friend. I never once saw any of the cash you got for those gigs so I just assumed you were using your money to club.”
“You never saw the cash because I was saving it for us and our kid.” He revealed, “I wanted us to move into one apartment when Jay came, but I needed to save for the deposit and stuff for the baby.”
“You never told me any of this.” Tears shone in her eyes as she added, “If you had, I would’ve told you that I already had the deposit for an apartment, and I’d already registered in a Mom group where we could’ve gotten free or cheap stuff for the baby.
“You never told me all that either,” Tazeem countered even as sadness overwhelmed him. There was so much that could’ve been solved back then had they just trusted and talked to each other.
“I guess we never told each other a lot of stuff, huh?” A tear slid down her cheek.
“I guess we didn’t.” He lifted off his seat and leaned forward to wipe away her tears with his fingers.
“I can’t believe you made me cry again.” She half-laughed half-sobbed as she swiped her palms over her wet cheeks. “I’m usually not this emotional.”
“I want to pretend that I’m not flattered, but I am.” He smiled. “I love that I make you emotional.”
“Sadist!” she teased.
“Only for you.” Once she was composed, he said, “You haven’t asked.”
Confusion furrowed her brow. “Haven’t asked what?”
“You haven’t asked what happened on the day you went into labor.” He quietly added, “You haven’t asked why I didn’t show up.”
She was quiet for quite a while before she said, “I guess I just wanted to forget that day because it’s the day I made the worst mistake of my life. I never should’ve lied to you about Jay.”
“I agree it was a mistake.” He offered, “But now that I think about it, maybe I pushed you into making that decision. If I’d told you everything I was up to, maybe we wouldn’t have ended up where we ended up.”
That drew a slow nod from her. A beat later, she asked, “So what happened that day?”
“It’s a long story.” He went on to tell her everything that had happened; from being in the club with those boys, being pinned with their drug crime, getting arrested, and his eventual release two days later… when it was already too late.
“Oh my God.” Chess covered her mouth with her hands. “I didn’t know. I’m so, so, sorry. If I’d known, I never would’ve… I’m so sorry, Tazeem. I’m sorry.”
Her apology was eight years late, yet hearing it still sent warmth through him and soothed any leftover embers of anger stemming from the whole fiasco.
“I’m so sorry.” Fresh tears pooled in her eyes. “This is a mess.”
