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Except, you felt something last night you’ve never experienced before.
Shut up.
I wasn’t gay. End of fucking story. It was laughable. I actually felt laughter bubbling up in my stomach, tinted with a bit of hysteria as it were; nevertheless, I wasn’t gay. I wasn’t gay. Now, bisexual? No, probably not that either. God no. I wasn’t into men, for fuck’s sake! Roe was…Roe was different. Roe was my best friend. My partner. My housemate. My lifeline in many ways. I loved him.
I couldn’t imagine putting on gay porn and getting off to it. That thought made me so damn uncomfortable I could barely sit still.
“I’m so sorry, Mama.”
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
I scrubbed my hands roughly over my face and wanted to hit something.
“I need you to tell me that’s what this was, Jake.”
I let my hands fall again, and I frowned at him. That was the second time he’d said something like “I need to hear” and “I need you to tell me.”
“You got scared,” he repeated. “You don’t wanna lose me—so you got hammered, and we went too far. That’s all this was.”
Was he trying to convince me or himself?
It dawned on me that last night was in the way for him. An obstacle. He had to settle our hookup, make sense of it, in order to move on to deal with Sandra and their journey toward parenthood.
I found myself in a spot where I didn’t fucking know what had happened. But I did know what wasn’t the case, and that was one of them. What he’d just said didn’t ring true in my ears. I hadn’t crossed the line because I’d been scared. I’d made a move because I’d wanted to get closer to him. I’d been so fucking drawn to him.
And I was scared shitless to think that might still be true. That, if he leaned in now, I might want to close the distance, even in a sober state.
I couldn’t make heads or tails of any of my reactions. Moving closer, recoiling out of reflex, pushing, pulling away, being drawn in, hightailing it outta there.
In the end, I wasn’t sure my truth mattered. This was about Roe. His head was fucked because he was overwhelmed with everything changing so suddenly, and my giving him an easy out would allow him to make a decision.
Considering I didn’t exactly know what my truth was, putting him first was the only way to go.
“Yeah, I got scared,” I replied quietly. “I don’t wanna lose you.”
A breath gusted out of him, and he reached forward and grabbed my hands. I clutched his instinctively, and a stream of warmth slithered through me for a couple seconds. That still felt so good. Being close to him.
“We’re in this for life, bro,” he murmured. “You’ll never lose me.”
I swallowed and nodded once. Roe was smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
Our friendship was, without a doubt, the most sacred thing I had outside being Colin’s father, and I was genuinely looking forward to seeing Roe join me on that path. But even with our friendship secure—even though last night didn’t ruin anything for us—something was going to change.
“Is there anythin’ about last night you wanna hash out?” I asked. I had to be a better friend. I’d made this all about me, almost. But if I wasn’t mistaken, last night had been his first experience with a dude, and unlike me, that was part of his sexuality. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
He flashed a quick little grin and squeezed my hands. “Nope. Last night was hot. But you don’t gotta worry—I’m not pinin’ or anything. You’re just sexy as fuck, and I love you.”
I grinned too. And I let out a laugh. That was the Roe I knew. Always so honest.
I gave him my standard line. “Same.”
The sexy part included. I could be objective enough. Or whatever.
His eyes gleamed with amusement. “You were more vocal last night.”
I always was when I was drunk.
I shook my head and withdrew my hands, and I leaned back to get comfortable again. This was the best solution. I’d given myself an easy out too. He could move on, we were solid, and I didn’t have to think about what the fuck was going on with me.
“It’ll be a minute before I get that drunk again,” I chuckled. “That headache today was no joke.”
More than that, I worried about myself. If anyone else told me they could only be honest after they’d had a few drinks, I would’ve said they had a drinking problem. A bit of liquid courage was one thing, but to be true to oneself? That deserved its spotlight in sobriety too.
“I don’t get the hangover headaches to that degree. I throw up, and then I feel better. And I eat my body weight in takeout.” He clapped his thighs and stood up. “On that note, pizza?”
