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Silencing the warning bells that went off, I stood up straighter and hauled him in for a hug. He stiffened for a hot second before he exhaled a chuckle and hugged me back. Yeah, it was fucking tragic. How a simple hug from me could come as a shock.
I called it self-preservation. Maintaining a distance kept certain intrusive thoughts at bay too.
Goddammit.
I tightened my hold on him and prayed I wasn’t too obvious when I buried my nose in his hair. He always smelled so damn good. Felt damn good too.
I closed my eyes and stole the moment.
Mortification flooded me when a pathetic whimper slipped out, and I squeezed Nikki to me and hoped she wouldn’t say anything.
Sixty seconds. I allowed myself one minute. Then I would get my shit together and head back inside. The wedding was about to start. I had to be there for Roe.
“Oh, Jake. Sweetie—this has to be about Roe. It is, isn’t it?” She reached up and brushed her thumbs under my eyes.
I exhaled shakily and nodded once, then stepped back and pressed the heels of my palms against my eyes. Holy fuck—a single nod, but it was the closest I’d come to admitting the truth. I just couldn’t lie anymore. What was the point if I reacted this way to my best friend getting married? I had no bullshit to hide behind any longer. Everything was about Roe.
“I knew it,” she said. “I’m gonna go get him. It’s not too late—”
“Don’t.” I was quick to grab her arm, and I gave her a firm stare, probably laced with more desperation than anything else.
“I need you to tell me that’s what this was, Jake.”
I let my hands fall again, and I frowned at him. That was the second time he’d said something like “I need to hear” and “I need you to tell me.”
“You got scared,” he repeated. “You don’t wanna lose me—so you got hammered, and we went too far. That’s all this was.”
Was he trying to convince me or himself?
It dawned on me that last night was in the way for him. An obstacle. He had to settle our hookup, make sense of it, in order to move on to deal with Sandra and their journey toward parenthood.
“It’s his wedding day,” I told Nikki. “We’re not gonna do squat. I don’t even know what that would be—or what I would say. That’s why I need help. I’m a fucking shitshow.”
She gave me a frustrated glare, but I wasn’t backing down. If anything, I got my resolve stitched up again, and I managed to push down my emotions where they belonged.
“I’m supposed to be the stubborn one,” she muttered irritably.
I felt my mouth twist. “We’re leaving the happy couple alone. You can help me find a shrink when we get home.”
She wasn’t pleased, and hell, neither was I. But for the millionth time, today wasn’t about me. I had two goddamn wedding rings in my pocket, and they were for Sandra and Roe to give to each other.
We made it back inside the church, and I had just enough time to sneak into a bathroom and splash some water on my face before I had to rejoin Roe.
The next time my eyes welled up, I was standing a few feet away as Roe and Sandra promised to cherish each other till death did them part.
Our lips met, and I cupped his face in my hands. A violent shiver tore down my spine, and I deepened the kiss right away.
He moaned as I swept my tongue into his mouth. He fell against me and kissed me back hard, passionately. Lust exploded inside me, and my chest expanded with a quick breath and the urge to take whatever I could.
He was mine tonight.
This was right.
I sniffled and thankfully faked it well enough this time. I could smile, even though it fucking broke me. I could be confused about pretty much everything and still feel in my heart that Roe was supposed to be mine.
I loved him…and I still chose to forever hold my peace because I was so fucking lost that I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Roe and Sandra were pronounced husband and wife, and after they kissed, he glanced over at me with a bright smile that caused the unshed tears in my eyes to roll down my cheeks.
“There you are! Fuck, I thought I lost you, man.”
I furrowed my brow and glanced toward the man’s voice—that belonged to someone I definitely didn’t know. But he was coming toward my table, and he was staring right at me.
No, wait. I recognized him. He was in my class, wasn’t he? Out here, I had developed a radar for East Coast people, and he had a New York accent. Otherwise, not much about him stood out. Average height, brown hair like mine, fairly fit, on the lanky side, probably a bit younger than me.
